Done It/Never Done it

Someone sent me one of those "How Many of These Things Have You Done?" lists. I usually ignore them but this time, I felt like filling it out…

  • Driven 100 mph — Done it briefly at like 3 AM and other cars were passing me..
  • Ridden in a helicopter — Never done it, might some day but only if we can follow a police chase.
  • Gone zip lining — Never done it, never will. For years, I had a great excuse because I was over the weight limit. Now I'm under so I have to either come up with a new excuse or pack on about forty pounds.
  • Been to an NFL game — Never done it, never even watched one on TV. I am a 68-year-old American male who isn't really sure how football is played.
  • Been to Canada — Done it three times, loved it twice.
  • Visited Florida — Done it three times: Two Miami Books fairs, one Disney World business holiday.
  • Visited Mexico — Never done it. But I'm around Sergio Aragonés a lot so maybe half-credit for that.
  • Visited Vegas — Done it a lot though it ain't as much fun as it used to be.
  • Eaten alone at a restaurant — Done it, especially in Vegas.
  • Ability to read music — Never done it, wish I had. But I know how to draw a real neat-looking Treble Clef.
  • Ridden a motorcycle — Never even rode a two-wheel bicycle, nor do I have it in me to be as annoying with noise as most motorcyclists are.
  • Ridden a horse — Never done it unless you count merry-go-rounds.
  • Stayed in a hospital — Done it once for my appendix, once for cellulitis, once for gastric bypass, twice for my right knee.
  • Donated blood — Done it but they'll only accept it from me to put it back into me during surgery.
  • Been snow skiing — Never done it. I've barely even been in snowy climates.
  • Been to Disneyland — Done it. Hated the Indiana Jones ride and most of the food. Liked everything else.
  • Slept outside — Did it once when I fell asleep in a lounge chair in my backyard. Laid down on it at 11 PM and the next thing I knew, the sun was waking me up.
  • Driven a stick shift — Never done it. It looks a lot cooler than I am.
  • Ridden in an 18 wheeler — Never done it. It looks a lot less cool than I am.
  • Ridden in a police car — Did it once. Voluntarily. Found it fascinating but was disappointed that they refused to strip search me.
  • Driven a boat — Did it for about thirty seconds and didn't crash into anything or sink and so decided to quit while I was ahead.
  • Eaten escargot — Never done it due to a lifelong pledge to never consume anything that leaves a slimy trail on a wet driveway, as do snails and my third agent.
  • Been on a cruise — Never done it and doubt that a lot of folks in the future will.
  • Run out of gas — Never done it but I came close once.
  • Been on TV — Done it, never really liked it.
  • Eaten sushi — Did it once, we all got food poisoning and the Board of Health closed the place.
  • Seen a UFO — Seen things I couldn't identify but I also did that in the above sushi incident.
  • Been bungie jumping — Never done it, never will, question the sanity of those who do it. Never in my life have I thought, "Gee, I wonder what it would feel like to be a yo-yo."