Another Pendragon Miracle

The other day here, I linked to a video clip of Jonathan and Charlotte Pendragon performing an amazing feat of magic. Jonathan would seem to have done the impossible again, surviving what would usually have been a fatal injury.

According to a message that Charlotte just posted to a magician's discussion forum, Jonathan was attempting to hang a light fixture when he fell onto the non-sharp end of an arrow from his archery set. The arrow pierced his stomach, his liver, an artery and went several inches in his heart. He underwent several hours of surgery, some of it of the open-heart variety, and is now recovering. Charlotte credits his survival to "speed of hospitalization, modern surgical techniques and Jonathan's will to live."

I'm happy to hear he's going to be around for a while. I've had the pleasure of spending time with Jonathan and he's one of the real gems in the field of magic — dedicated to his craft, brilliant at inventing new illusions and generous with his time and talents. Let's all send good thoughts in his direction. As soon as he's back on a stage somewhere, try and go see him.

Saturday Evening Musing

Okay, so Bob Woodward wrote a book a few years ago that made George W. Bush out to be a decisive leader. The White House even recommended that people read the book in order to know the "real" Bush.

Now, Woodward's written a book that makes Bush out to be a pretty bad leader…one who ignored or isolated himself from good advice and who now presides over a military situation that's in chaos. (The book is entitled State of Denial: Bush at War, Part Three and that's an Amazon link to buy it, hint hint.)

So what happened here? Was Woodward accurate in the previous book and he's got it all wrong now? Was he wrong then and now he's wised up? Is there any way both portraits could be correct? I imagine both could be wrong but that's quite a contortion. Does Woodward suggest that George W. has undergone a massive change of personality and integrity in the last few years? Somebody help me here.

The book is just now getting out, just now being read. The last few days, we've seen people debating it on the basis of a few excerpts that have hit the Internet. Last night on The Tonight Show, Jay Leno and Bill O'Reilly discussed it and I don't think either had even read the excerpts, let alone the whole book.

So far, without benefit of actually knowing what Woodward wrote, the pro-Bush camp has tried suggesting that Woodward's earlier book was a work of integrity and that now that Bush-bashing is in vogue, he's gone that route because there's money in it. The anti-Bush crowd is throwing out the idea that Woodward was conned by Bush and hypnotized by Karl Rove before, but that he's finally snapped out of it and wised up. I don't know about you but I don't buy any of these explanations.

Mr. Woodward is making a promotional tour for the book. In the next week or so, he'll be on more shows than Brad Garrett…which makes sense because Woodward is funnier. Presumably, someone will ask him to reconcile his two versions of the current White House occupant. I'm curious to hear what he has to say.

Today's Video Link

I've decided to extend our "Festival of Great Moments in Sitcom Humor" a few more days so this is not the end of it. Today's clip is from one of the funniest half-hours ever done for TV, and you really need to see the whole half-hour. It's available on this DVD which I highly recommend.

It's an episode of a show known at various times as You'll Never Get Rich, The Phil Silvers Show and Sgt. Bilko. By any name, it was Phil Silvers giving a glorious performance as M/Sgt. Ernest T. Bilko, flim-flamming all who could be flim-flammed. This installment was called either (depending on what you read) "The Court-Martial" or "The Trial of Harry Speakup" or "The Case of Harry Speakup" or "The Court-Martial of Harry Speakup." I've seen it every which way. It first aired on March 6, 1956 and the writing was credited to Nat Hiken (creator of the series and its main director and head writer), Arnie Rosen and Coleman Jacoby. I actually worked with Arnie Rosen on one of my first TV writing jobs and was somehow then unaware that he'd worked on Sgt. Bilko. Wish I'd known because I'd have asked him about it. Then again, he was more interested in pressing matters like writing the show we were doing and having me fired.

The premise of the episode is that Bilko's Army Base is trying out some new techniques to speed up the process by which new inductees receive their physicals, take their written tests and get sworn in as soldiers. Via a plot twist you'll learn about when you see the whole show, a chimpanzee gets into the assembly line and before anyone notices, he is inducted. He also somehow gets a name. When someone tells him to "Hurry! Speak up!", another person thinks the recruit has said his name is Harry Speakup.

This will be humiliating to the officers if it isn't hushed up fast. The trouble is that due to red tape, the only way to get rid of the Harry Speakup problem is to court-martial the chimp and throw him out of the Army. Bilko is appointed to serve as Private Speakup's counsel in the trial that you're about to see.

One of the many interesting things about the Bilko program was that even though it was done on film, they tried to treat it as much as possible like a live performance. They barely stopped filming between scenes and often, if someone bobbled a line or things went wrong, they left it in. There are a number of instances when actors — most notably Paul Ford, who was otherwise so good as Colonel Hall — forgot important lines and someone else — usually Silvers, who had a fast mind and a great memory — would ad-lib around the problem. Silvers often improvised during the show and he had to ad-lib a lot in this scene because the trained chimp didn't always do what he was supposed to. At one point, Mr. Speakup ran over to grab a prop telephone and Phil came up with a terrific explanation right on the spot. (His quick wit caused a few of the actors to almost break up. At several points in the scene, you can see some of them trying to stifle or hide laughter. Especially watch the kid at left playing a guard.)

If you're interested in understanding how much the actors ad-libbed and paraphrased, we have a link for you. Many of the scripts, including this one, were published in paperback form in 1957. One website has scanned the relevant pages of that paperback and posted them here. You'll need something that can read an Adobe PDF file but you probably have just such a program on your computer already.

Okay…so the Army inducted a monkey and now they're trying to have a trial so they can kick the monkey out of the Army, and Bilko is the monkey's lawyer. Perfectly logical. Here's the scene…

VIDEO MISSING

Today's Political Comment

At this very moment, over on The Drudge Report, the headline is "Gloves Come Off" and the premise is that Democrats and Republicans have stopped being nice and started bloodying one another with charges and invective and comments about how each other's mother is a whore. The big picture is of George W. Bush and there's a link to the AP coverage of his latest speech. And to represent the other side, Drudge has up three headlines which I've captured and reproduced above.

The first, the one labelled "Carter," links to a story about a speech given by Jimmy Carter, who's out campaigning for his son. The second, "Clinton," turns out to be about Hillary Clinton, not Bill. Almost the first thing I learned in my Journalism class in junior high school was that headlines should never be confusing or ambiguous about any aspect of the story. Obviously, Drudge never took that class. And then the third example of the gloves coming off is that Stone is ashamed of his or her country.

"Stone?" Who's "Stone?" Is there some former Democratic president or current Democratic senator I'm forgetting named Stone? We're not talking Sharon Stone here, are we?

Turns out it's director Oliver Stone. Which raises the question: How did he get in that list? No one ever elected him. His name's never been on any ballot aside from the one for the Oscars. There's no reason to believe he represents anyone but himself. I'm not even sure what political party, if any, he's signed up with at the moment.

Mr. Stone is entitled to his opinion and if the press wants to cover it like news, fine. But it seems to me like at any given time in the last decade or three, you could go to Oliver Stone and get a sound bite that he's ashamed for his country. You could also get a few juicy but ill-defined conspiracy theories at the same time. I'm not sure why it's news that Oliver Stone is against what any current administration is doing or why that now shows that "the gloves are off." There's always been someone, at least as prominent, saying that the president — whoever it was at the moment — was leading the nation into disaster and shame. There were guys on the radio who made their living doing that from Day One of the Clinton administration.

What I get from looking at the news is that the gloves are barely off…or maybe only off in the White House corner. Polls suggest that most voters embrace the idea that Bush needs a lot more Checks and a whole lot more Balances and maybe needs to be stopped altogether. Still, most prominent Democrats let Bush's latest "I can do whatever I want" laws pass with barely an ahem. Some opposed that bill just enough so they can say they were against it, not enough to perhaps do anything to stop it. And on this one, I sure get the feeling that a lot of House and Senate Republicans don't like that they were forced to vote for it, so as to not tick off a vital part of the G.O.P. base. During the debate stage, Arlen Specter (doing his usual Good Arlen/Bad Arlen act) said that the bill sets us back "900 years" in human rights, allows the president to imprison people indefinitely without trial and that it violates core Constitutional principles. But he voted for it anyway.

If he was a better reporter, Drudge could have finished out his "list of three" without going to Oliver Stone. You need three in a situation like that because two doesn't seem like a trend or a movement. For some reason, three does.

There certainly are other important Democrats who speak for a large part of the country who are saying that Bush is screwing up big-time: Kerry, Gore, Ted Kennedy, John Edwards, etc. There just don't seem to be very many who are in serious re-election campaigns at the moment saying it, which strikes me as odd. You'd think, with more than half the country saying Bush is doing a bad job, you'd have more than half the Democrats proclaiming that above a whisper.

Today's Video Link

Today, we bring you one of the great moments in the history of television. It's Monday evening, May 29, 1990 and it's the last episode of Bob Newhart's sitcom, Newhart, in which he plays an innkeeper married to Mary Frann. The show's going off and one of the writers — Dan O'Shannon, I'm told — comes up with a terrific idea on how to end the series in a way no one will ever forget.

We now bring you the last three minutes of that episode. Tomorrow in this space, another sitcom moment that many will never forget.

VIDEO MISSING

Coming Soon…

The DVD of the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon show is now set for December 5. This page has all the details. I'll post a link here to order copies as soon as the Amazon people add it to their wares.

Recommended Listening

Earlier today, I wrote here about how cartoon voice actors are too often not treated with the same respect as on-camera actors. As it turns out, my friend Paul Harris was discussing the same topic today on his popular radio show in St. Louis on station KMOX. His guest was vocal thespian Billy West, who's best known as about a third of the cast of Futurama. When it comes to not being treated right, Billy has some examples from his own career that would be funny if they weren't so maddening.

Aw, heck. They're funny anyway. You can hear Paul's interview with the brilliant Mr. West on this page. It runs about 16 minutes and if you enjoy it, browse Paul's site and you'll find plenty of other interviews you'll enjoy.

Recommended Reading

Michael Kinsley asks a couple of good questions about how some people (like, say, George W. Bush) who say they care about protecting the rights of the unborn don't have a big problem with human beings being killed after they're born.

The Cutest Thing in the Universe

I know some people reading this don't like Countdown With Keith Olbermann on MSNBC. I do, most of the time. Judging from the latest ratings, an increasing number in the 18-49 demographic category do, too.

Anyway, this is not about politics. Every day, he does a segment called "Oddball" that includes weird or interesting news footage. In today's, he had tape of newly-born baby pandas. There is nothing cuter on this planet than newly-born baby pandas. Nothing! You know how cute baby kittens are? Especially baby kittens swatting at a fly or a string? Well, newly-born baby pandas make baby kittens swatting at flies look like a cluster of unsightly pimples oozing pus. That's how cute newly-born baby pandas are. They're cuter than you are, certainly. They're even cuter than me and I'm pretty darn cute.

Here's a link which will probably only work for a day or three…but right now, it takes you to the MSNBC website and loads the video of today's "Oddball" segment. You can stop watching after the newly-born baby pandas. Nothing can top them, anyway.

And let me know if you find any other online footage of the newly-born baby pandas. You can never see enough of newly-born baby pandas.

Remembering Lennie

In the above photo, the guy in the middle is Red Skelton. Very funny man. The lady at left is character actress Mary Wickes, who was also pretty funny. But let's focus our attention on the man at the right.

That's Lennie Weinrib…also a very funny man. Lennie, whose obit I sadly had to post here last June 28, was an on-camera actor (The Dick Van Dyke Show, Magic Mongo). He was a cartoon voice actor (Inch-High Private Eye, Flintstone Kids). He was the voice of hundreds of commercials and many a Sid and Marty Krofft series. He was the writer and voice of H.R. Pufnstuf, for instance. He was also a good friend to many of us.

A whole mess of Lennie's friends here in Los Angeles will gather to remember him and celebrate his talented existence on Thursday evening, October 26. One of his daughters, Linda, is throwing the event and I think I'm the Master of Ceremonies. There will be stories and video clips and wonderful anecdotes and food and glorious memories. If you knew Lennie, drop me an e-mail and I'll send you the details of how to be there. It's just our way of spending a little more time with a great talent and a great friend.

Tip of the Yarmulke

Stephen Colbert is currently accepting "atonement phone calls" from Jews who wish to apologize to him for…well, anything at all. If you're really Jewish, you can think of something.

I'm actually only half-Jewish so I called up and didn't leave a message. Still, I enjoyed hearing his announcement and you might, as well. The number is (888) OOPS-JEW. If you have no Jewish blood in you at all, you can give it a try and see if it works. I don't see how they would know.

If you do call, stay tuned past the annoying announcement where the lady informs you that they have the right to use your call on the air. Colbert gets the punch line just before the beep.

Voices of Hollywood

Here's a brief interview with Peter Cullen, a fine voiceover performer. Peter played Venger on the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon show (which'll be out on DVD in December, they're now saying) but his big animation role was Optimus Prime on The Transformers. Wise people now doing the live-action movie of that property have seen fit to engage him again…because it just won't be Optimus Prime if it doesn't sound like Cullen.

There's an unfortunate tendency in the movie business to think of voice actors as not real stars. If Mel Blanc were still around and they were making a big Bugs Bunny feature — especially if it was live-action and therefore a bit removed from the old context — there'd be some studio exec who'd say, "Hey, can we get Mel Gibson to do the rabbit's voice? Or one of those Wayans Brothers?" What they don't realize is that the character is the star and the voice actor is an integral part of the character. They also don't realize that voice actors are stars, too. In fact, they're big stars…huge stars.

Stars in Hollywood are judged by how their movies gross. If you're in a movie that takes in $600 million, you're a bigger star than someone who was in a movie that took in a measly $300 million. If you're in a number of movies that take in a lot of money, you're a bigger star that someone who's in a lesser number of movies with lesser receipts. Stars are hired and they command top salaries because of their past grosses.

Now…suppose you fed into a computer the cast lists of all the movies and cross-indexed that with the grosses. Wouldn't it be interesting to see who was in the cast list of movies that had collectively grossed the most money? Can you guess where I'm going with this?

Here are the box office grosses going back a couple of decades for my pal — and maybe the best voiceover actor ever — Frank Welker. If you go by this, he was the number one grossing actor of the nineties, ahead of Tom Hanks, Samuel L. Jackson, Robin Williams or Bruce Willis…and I'll bet the total for Frank is, if anything, low. He was in a lot of movies for which he did not receive credit. (Okay, so some of his standing is due to sheer volume. When you only work one or two days on a movie, you can be in a lot of them. But it's still an interesting way of looking at the situation.)

And it's also kind of neat to note that Stan Lee is, at the moment, #20 on the Box Office List for this decade, ahead of Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy.

Today's Video Link

There are hundreds of weird homemade videos on the Internet that use Barbie dolls to act out bizarre perversions. Over on the official Barbie website, there's one that may just be odder than any of them. It's an ad for the new Barbie "Tanner Dog." I'm a little fuzzy on just what comes in the box when you buy one of these things but basically, it's Barbie's dog and you feed it plastic food…and then at some point (Immediately? A half hour later?) the toy dog takes a dump and you have Barbie clean it up with the Barbie Pooper Scooper, which I hope isn't sold separately.

Yes, yes. I know this sounds like one of those lame parody commercials they used to use to bridge sketches on Saturday Night Live but it's legit. Linking directly to the video on Mattel's site is a little tricky but here goes: This link may, depending on your browser, play it for you. If it doesn't, go to either this page or this page and look for a picture of Barbie and her dog to click on. It's a very short spot but it's everything I say it is.

I'm also a little fuzzy on the marketing idea at work here. I guess I'm trying to imagine the meeting when someone said, "Hey, you know what little girls all dream of doing?" Or maybe it has something to do with thinking that parents will buy the toy dog (and pooper scooper) to teach their daughters about being responsible when they someday get and walk real dogs. In which case they're going to then discover that the process is a bit messier than they thought…and not quite as odor-free.

And since it's doubtlessly on your mind, I'll ask: Is the plastic thing that comes out of the dog's rear the same piece of plastic that went in through the mouth? If so, doesn't that suggest the concept that you feed your dog crap? Or that crap is food? There are enough little girls around who are going to wind up anorexic without us planting that association in their fertile, young minds.

This is very disturbing. Very disturbing, indeed.

To get your mind off it, I offer the following embedded video of Liza Minnelli singing "New York, New York" on a 1982 TV special. Note that unlike the famous Sinatra version, she actually gets the words right. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with the video. Liza is actually slightly out of sync in real life. And then the next two days in this space, I'll be featuring what I think are two of the five (or so) most brilliant moments in the history of TV comedy. See if you can guess what they are.

VIDEO MISSING

I Am Not In Jail…

…but ten more minutes in that Prescription Pick-Up Line and I might have done something that would have put me there. Forty-five minutes to pick up one prescription. I think I'm taking my business elsewhere.

By the way: I should have mentioned this before but please don't send me your "you think that's bad?" tales about how your pharmacy screwed things up. Every time I post one of these personal beefs, I get a deluge of stories, many of them quite long and well-written…and I really can't do anything with them. Start a weblog and post them. Maybe that'll get a few companies to snap to attention and fix things.