Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Geographic Undesirables

I just received an e-mail ad telling me that there will be a great Super Bowl party this Sunday at the Bar Celona in Chicago. I entered its address in Mapquest and found out it's 2,034.25 miles from my house, or 31 hours and 16 minutes if I drive straight through without stopping.

I doubt I'll be making the trip. If I am suddenly seized by the urge to watch my first football game ever, I figure there have to be a few closer places...maybe in Denver or even southwestern Illinois.

For some reason, this kind of Spam annoys me more than the ones for penis enlargement and giving my bank account details to strangers in Nigeria. And I'm wondering if someone just bought a list of e-mail addresses scattered all over the world and didn't care that 99% of the ads were going to people far from Chicago. The only thing I can recall signing up for that was based in Chicago was many years ago when as a treat for a friend, I ordered some hot dogs from Fluky's, a famous Chicago frankfurter emporium. But I gave them my delivery address so you'd think that if they'd sold their mailing list, someone would have taken the 40 seconds to filter out non-Illinois zip codes. (I also signed up for access to the Chicago Tribune site but with a different e-mail address.)

Oh, well. If anyone's going to spend Super Bowl Sunday at the Bar Celona, tell 'em not to hold a stool for me.

• Posted at 5:58 PM · LINK

More on Paar

Do you know how Jack Paar broke into show business? It's kind of an interesting story. Before going into the service for World War II, he did some local radio but it was in the Army that he became a star. Because of his broadcasting experience, he wound up in Special Services, travelling from base to base, doing shows for other soldiers. There, he developed a series of monologues that were almost exclusively on one topic: Insulting officers. He would get up on stage and do to officers what Don Rickles did to a fat black lady in the front row. I don't know if privates make fun of officers in today's army but they sure didn't then. Paar would talk about how the officers should have rear-view mirrors on their helmets so they can see the real soldiers going into battle. He did jokes about how a whole platoon of privates could live for a week off the food they throw out in the officer's mess. Jokes like that. Soldiers loved it and officers tolerated it...up until the time a general arrived at a show accompanied by two comely WACs and Paar remarked, "The girls were going to do the Dance of the Virgins for us but they went to the Officers' Club and broke their contracts." A furious general had Paar arrested, tossed in the stockades and prepped for court-martial. Only when the general was convinced it would harm troop morale did he relent.

While all this was going on, the war correspondent for Esquire Magazine was hearing about this unknown comedian. G.I. after G.I. told the reporter they'd loved it when Bob Hope came to entertain but this Jack Paar guy was their hero. The reporter caught up with Paar and interviewed him for what Paar figured would be a brief mention, if that. Months later, when Paar was mustered out of the service, he was wondering what he'd do for a career. That's when he heard that the current issue of Esquire had a full-scale article on him calling him the most brilliant undiscovered comic talent in the world. Suddenly, the movie studios and radio networks were calling.

The other interesting thing about Paar's success is that it didn't all flow from that. The Esquire article got him a number of breaks but one by one, he either blew them or they just didn't pan out. By the time he was offered The Tonight Show, he was to the point where one more flop might end his career forever. Fortunately for us all, it didn't happen.

• Posted at 2:42 PM · LINK

Political Stuff

Here, for what little these things may be worth, is my take on the Democratic Primaries. A week or two ago, the story was the inevitability of Dean. Now, it's the Kerry comeback and coming up, we have primaries in Arizona (where Clark will probably do well), South Carolina (which Edwards will take in a walk) and Oklahoma (where both those guys will do well). Ergo, before we get near a winner, we'll probably sit through a cycle of stories about Clark breaking through, and one comparing Edwards' performance to when Clinton came from behind in the primaries to seize the nomination. I dunno which of those four guys will triumph but I think they'll each have their turn in the spotlight. Dean will probably have at least one more turn and I'll bet that if and when it looks to be dissolving, he'll give the most tempered, non-screaming speech of his life.

I see a lot of weblogs and pundits moaning that Lieberman, Kucinich and Sharpton should have dropped out by now. The first two will probably do so before long but I have to assume that the Reverend Al is not at all surprised by where he stands and that it serves his purpose in running. He's much too smart a guy to ever have thought he had a chance to win. Going into a couple of past conventions, the oft-asked question was, "What does Jesse want?" meaning that the Reverend Jackson had just enough support that he had to be appeased with some sort of concession — a plank in the platform, a featured speech, a promised cabinet appointment, whatever. Soon, we'll be hearing, "What does Al want?" Based on his last few talk show appearances, I'd say he's already got it. Is there anyone else out there who can even suggest that they speak for Black America?

• Posted at 11:11 AM · LINK

Video Poker

My mother loves to play Video Poker. Loves to play it in Vegas and loves even more to play it at home where she can play without fear of losing her son's inheritance. Years ago, I got her a little toy Video Poker machine. It was about a foot tall and ran on batteries and you didn't have to put coins in. You just pressed a button and it "dealt" the cards just like the machines in Vegas.

She played it for hundreds and hundreds of hours. She played it so much that she once got a Royal Flush on it. A Royal Flush is the rarest of all poker hands and the odds of getting one are one in 40,200, so you don't see them often. This thrilled her but presented a problem: She couldn't bring herself to push the button that would wipe the Royal Flush off the screen and deal the next hand, so she couldn't use her beloved Video Poker machine. I finally solved things by taking a Polaroid camera over, snapping some shots of the Royal Flush, then pushing the button for her.

This brings us to another of my infamous Public Appeals...

That machine was worn out and junked long ago. She would like a new one but I can't seem to find the perfect one. You can get computer software that will replicate a Vegas Video Poker machine but she doesn't have a computer. You can buy little handheld, battery-powered Video Poker games but the cards are too small for her to see. I can't find a toy to buy that doesn't require coins and has a large display. Anyone here know where I can get such a thing?

(Sarah...if you read this, please don't tell her about it. I want to surprise her.)

• Posted at 12:33 AM · LINK

January 29, 2004 • Current • January 27, 2004