Sunday, March 27, 2005

Secret Love's

As I explained in an article that's no longer posted on this site, I am/was a big fan of a chain of almost-defunct barbecue restaurants called Love's. There used to be a lot of them, at least throughout California, and we're now down to just three, one of which is in Jakarta, Indonesia. I like their ribs but not enough to make that trip.

The other two are in Chula Vista and Lakewood, both in my home state, though they seem about as far as Jakarta. So I pretty much have to be content with Love's barbecue sauce, which I order from their website and employ in my expert gourmet cooking...which means I sometimes pour a little on a chicken or beef sandwich. I use the mild, and I should warn you that it's rather sweet. I usually prefer a smokier, less sweet sauce but for some reason, I really like theirs and why am I telling you this? This is not an ad for Love's restaurants, or what remains of them. This is a posting about a little mystery that just occurred in my life.

I recently installed the 2005 edition of Microsoft Streets & Trips, which is a map program, especially handy because it notes hotels, points of interests, restaurants and so forth. Sergio and I are going to an event tomorrow night in the Westwood part of Los Angeles and I thought I'd look up the area, even though I know it well, and select a place to maybe get a bite to eat beforehand. Here's a piece of a screen shot of the map that came up for me...

As you can see, one of the dining establishments they pinpoint on Westwood Boulevard is a "Love's Wood Pit Bar-B-Que," just north of Olympic. This is a shameful lie. I have studied Love's restaurants for years. I also know Westwood very well, having grown up in that area. (The little label that gives the name is right over Westwood Elementary School, which is where I learned to play Dodgeball.) There has never been a Love's on Westwood Boulevard or anywhere close by. There once was one on Pico about two miles away, but that went out of business long ago and is now a Ford dealership. There was also one on Olympic, a mile the other way, but the building has been empty since the Love's in there closed more than five years ago.

Microsoft Streets & Trips...you are so full of it.

The program gives an address and a phone number for the hypothetical Love's on Westwood. I called the number and got the voice mail system for a company that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with Love's. I cross-checked the address via a search engine and it seems to be that of a large office building...and no, the corporate offices of Love's are not in that building. I thought of that. They're in Diamond Bar and before that, they were in Beverly Hills. Further experimentation shows that if you ask Microsoft Streets & Trips 2005 to map all the Love's restaurants in the nation, it shows you five — the two which still exist, two that closed long ago (at least five years) and the wholly imaginary one. I can understand a map program being way out of date about something...but how does it pinpoint a restaurant that never existed?

Maybe this isn't a big deal to you but for one brief second there, I thought Divine Intervention had occurred. I was looking for a place to eat and cosmic forces had suddenly placed an outlet of my favorite, long-lost restaurant chain in the perfect place. But it was not so. It was just Microsoft Streets & Trips screwing with my emotions. That dirty, lying program.

• Posted at 10:15 PM · LINK

Today's Political Rant

If anything positive comes out of the Terri Schiavo case, it may be that it's prompting a vast amount of Americans to draw up Living Wills or other documents that will specify what they want done with their bodies when they can no longer decide. I was amused to see my pal Daniel Frank say, "I want tubes; I want machines; I want Definitely Resuscitate orders; I want heroic efforts; I want Superman to make the world spin backwards on its axis and save me in time."

Which is, of course, his right. I have a somewhat different wish. I don't recall exactly what I signed a few years ago, but my Business Manager is getting it out of the safe deposit box and I'm going to make sure it declares the following: That I don't want to be kept "alive" by a biological technicality. If I can't have thoughts and communicate them, it's over, insofar as I'm concerned. Pull the plug, yank the tubes, put me in the largest-size Hefty Bag and leave me out on the curb.

One of the reasons most of us don't want to be kept alive by artificial means or in the much-discussed Persistent Vegetative State is that we don't want to be a burden to our loved ones. Even a level slightly above P.V.S. would horrify me. I once watched a beloved neighbor go so utterly senile that his spouse of 50+ years had to dress him, feed him, carry him to the bathroom, wipe him...and at least five times a day, pick him up off the floor when he fell. Some nights, she was so exhausted that she had to call me to come over and help her, often because he'd slipped off the toilet and was wedged between it and the sink.

For the last year or so of his life, he never uttered one intelligible word or showed the slightest sign of knowing who or where he was. If he'd had a second of awareness, I'm sure he'd have killed himself on the spot, the same way he'd have taken a bullet for his wife. He loved her dearly, and caring for him was occupying her every waking moment, destroying her health...and because of expenses not covered by their medical insurance, driving her towards poverty. When he finally stopped breathing, every single person who knew them said, "Thank God." Sadly, she did not live much longer after that, and I'm sure the main reason was all she'd gone through to take care of him.

When I hear people say that life by any definition must be maintained as long as possible, I think of that couple and disagree. In at least that case, the "pro-life" position would have been for the rest of him to die when his brain did. If his heart had stopped beating a year sooner than it finally did, the woman he loved might have lived another ten.

If you'd rather define your life like my friend Daniel, fine. I can certainly understand that, and you should have it the way you want it. But I wanted to throw one other thought out there...

All the talk about Ms. Schiavo seems to go to the issue of What She Wanted and to the extent that's been reasonably determined, that's what should be done. But your decision as to when you wish your life declared over doesn't have to just be about you. For instance, if I wind up revising my instructions, I'm going to try to put something in there about what's best for my loved ones. If and when they have to decide to discontinue life support, I don't want them thinking only about What Mark Wanted. I'm going to order them to turn me off when I become a threat to their health and their lives. If I can't feel anything, don't worry about making me comfy. Do what's best for the living.

I'll tell them if I ever reach Persistent Vegetative State — and some who read Groo have sensed that may not be long — I won't matter anymore, so discontinue feeding. Or if you prefer, keep feeding me, dress me up as Elvis and sell tickets to people who'll think that's where he's been all these years. If it would make you feel better, have me stuffed and put on display in the foyer. I think I'd make a nice fountain...posed on one foot, with a continuous stream of water trickling out of mouth. Whatever. I just don't want someone obligated to wipe drool from my chin because I can't, or to pick me up every day when I get wedged between the crapper and the bathroom sink. So my Living Will says (or will say) that I want the wires pulled, and not just because that's what I want. I also want my guardians to be able to decide when it's time for them to be rid of me, and to be able to avoid legal problems or even anyone accusing them of murder. I want them to be able to say, "This is what he wanted," even if it's what they also want.

I don't know if Michael Schiavo is an unfairly vilified man or if any of the denunciations of his morals and motives have some truth to them. What I do know is that I'm appointing people I trust and care about to make that decision about me. And should it someday be necessary for them to do that, I don't want anyone else getting involved or even having an opening to express an opinion.

• Posted at 1:55 PM · LINK