Saturday, June 10, 2006

Saturday Afternoon

I received a number of donations overnight, many of them from folks who want to hear more about my Gastric Bypass surgery. Send me cash and I'll write about almost anything...

It's been fifteen days since a skilled surgeon did his magic and I'm down 25 pounds. I haven't yet reached the stage where the change is noticeable to folks who don't see me often but the ones who do are amazed. Sergio is already figuring he'll just go back to his old caricatures of me...which will work fine since I have most of those clothes in storage and will be wearing them again.

People want to know what I eat and the answer is "not much." I have almost zero appetite. My brain tells me I'd love an In-n-Out Burger with onions and a side of well-done fries...but my stomach isn't much interested. For two weeks, I've dined on chicken broth from Canter's Delicatessen and protein drinks...and lemme tell you about protein drinks, people. It's rough out there for a guy who doesn't like artificial sweeteners. I have genuine concerns about the effects of Aspartame, Sucralose and other such chemicals on the body but I don't have to decide for certain. That's because I long ago decided that even if they aren't harmful, I don't want them in me. When someone tells me that Diet Coke is indistinguishable from The Real Thing, I look at them like they're telling me the Earth revolves around the Moon. Sometimes, I even offer to bet them large sums of cash that I can tell the difference in a blind taste test. (This was before I gave up carbonated beverages completely, which I did last February.)

Over the years, this distaste always inhibited my attempts to find a workable diet. I went to several professional dietitians, each of whom was incapable of grasping the phrase, "I don't want to take artificial sweeteners." The nutritionist who worked out of my previous doctor's office stared at me like...well, like I stare at people who say Diet Pepsi tastes just like Real Pepsi. Yeah, like fake breasts look and feel exactly like real ones.

A diet without artificial sweeteners? It was as if I'd asked this nutritionist lady to write me a novel without using vowels. She apparently decided to just pretend I hadn't said what I'd said and proceeded to recommend things loaded with Nutrasweet, Splenda and all the things I'd just said I couldn't stand. I reminded her of my requirements and she said, "Oh, okay. Then try these..." and she handed me another list of foods filled with toxic sugar imitations. You'd be amazed how often this has happened to me. It's almost like, "If you don't like Nutrasweet and Splenda, try Splenda and Nutrasweet." There are times when life is way too much like the Monty Python "Spam" sketch.

Most of the protein drinks seem to have but one goal: To make you think you're drinking a real milk shake...ergo, the vast quantities of Sucralose. After trying about a dozen, several of which reaffirmed my distaste for Splenda, I finally settled on Jay Robb Whey Protein. It contains Stevia, a relatively benign artificial sweetener which I also think does not taste anything like sugar...or even its ubiquitous successor-in-interest, high fructose corn syrup. Tastes a bit unnatural but I can get it down, which is what counts. To mix these alleged beverages and to purée upcoming foods, I bought one of these...

Yes, it's the Magic Bullet, star of every third infomercial currently running on TV. It's a small blender with interchangeable blades and cups, and it works...barely. If I get a little healthier, I'll be able to stir faster than it can. Still, it's handy to have around. The protein drink is a bit more tolerable when it's made with cold water and whipped 'til frothy. I don't recommend the machine for most kitchen uses but it serves my purpose.

This is about when I'm supposed to be sneaking more solid foods into my diet. Last night, I ate a neat thing they now sell at Trader Joe's — a package containing four egg whites which scramble right in the container, right in your microwave. I had no problem eating and digesting this. Today, I used my Magic Bullet to pulverize canned tuna (with a dollop of Miracle Whip) into something resembling baby food. The daily goal here is to get enough protein. The guidelines they gave me at the hospital said that for a guy my height (six-three), I should shoot for 125 grams per day. This is physically impossible. One of those protein shakes, each of which contains 24, and I'm full for hours. My surgeon and doctor each said I'd be okay with a minimum of 50 but 75 would be better. This will be easier when I reach the stage of eating solid foods — still two or three weeks away — but I'm coming close.

None of this is meant to sound like a great hardship. I feel great and as I say, without hunger or headaches. It's just odd to be eating only because your doctor said you had to. This must be a little like it feels in the early stages of anorexia. I'll write more about my experiences when I think of something or when some more people send me money and say they want to hear about it.

• Posted at 12:43 PM · LINK

Craig's List

I had a very good time last evening reading the first two volumes in what I hope will be a long series from Craig Yoe — Arf Museum and Modern Arf. These are nice books from Fantagraphics in which Craig has picked out interesting items of comic art from his, and I suppose some other folks' collections. There are panel cartoons, stories, illos...diverse material that is somehow united by Craig's mere celebratory selection of it. It's hard to explain why. It may be no deeper than that Mr. Yoe likes the same kind of stuff I do. Anyway, I suggest either ordering them or at least paging through them at a store or convention, which will lead to you wanting to buy them. Great stuff.

Above and beyond the fascinating contents, there's something else very nice about these books: They're beautifully designed and totally legible. Lately, those two virtues have seemed mutually exclusive in the book world. I've gotten a lot of books that were quite lovely to page through but at some point, I found myself unable to actually read some extended section of text. Somehow, it was more important that the designer put a busy color pattern behind a flimsy type font or something...and you can almost hear someone say to someone else, "It's okay. There's plenty of other text here they can read if that's what they want."

The other day, I received a printed copy of a book for which I wrote an article and I cannot read my own text. I have 20/20 vision and I kinda already know what it says...but I still can't make out what I said in some paragraphs. This is not a trivial complaint, nor is it particularly arguable. The last time this happened to me, the company's art director had all sorts of defenses. Apparently, the aesthetics of unified thematic composition required a certain page layout and the fact that it rendered some of those pages unreadable was just nitpicking on my part. I felt so foolish.

Anyway, that's not a problem with Craig's books. Just one of the reasons you'll enjoy them.

• Posted at 9:56 AM · LINK

Today's Video Link

Like I said, I haven't been to New York in quite a while. As a result, I haven't seen The Wedding Singer, a new Broadway musical based on the Adam Sandler movie of the same name. You probably haven't seen it, either. So here, for the both of us, is a little "screen to stage" promotional film that gives us a quick glimpse of the show.

[NOTE: This is an IFILM link. It's a great site but their embedded links don't seem to work well in a lot of browsers. If you have one such browser, you can go directly to the clip by clicking here.]

• Posted at 12:48 AM · LINK