Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Today is Halloween...

...and may I just remind you how much I don't like this holiday? I especially don't like candy corn...but then no one does. (Every time I post that simple fact of life, some pathological liar writes me and says, "Oh, I love candy corn! I can't get enough of it!" These are the same people who say, "Hit me again with that tire iron, Martha! My eyes are not sufficiently blackened!")

If you have children, do them a favor. Do not encourage them to dress up tonight as something they are not and to go around and beg strangers for things that they will then put in their mouths. Do not try to traumatize them with scary imagery, especially that which depicts human beings as seriously maimed or bleeding. Above all, do not sneak up behind them or anyone and yell, "BOO!," thinking they will enjoy the jolt. And of course, it goes without saying: No candy corn.

Stupid holiday.

• Posted at 10:56 AM · LINK

Daily Downloads

It is now possible to watch complete episodes of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart on the Comedy Central website. The site itself is difficult to navigate and full of way too many pop-ups and clips that run without being asked but this link may just get you to a page where you can click and watch last night's show, carved neatly into four segments.

• Posted at 10:46 AM · LINK

Today's Video Link

The other day here, we told you of the wonders of the "Stomp 'n' Chomp" promotion at the L.A. City Zoo this past weekend. You know how much we love baby pandas? Well, hippopotamuses eating pumpkins aren't quite as cute as baby pandas — nothing is — but they're darn close.

They had a "Stomp 'n' Chomp" at the San Francisco Zoo the other day also, and we have a short film that was made to preview it. It's not anywhere near as exciting as the Pumpkin Orgy that we attended. Matter of fact, the hippo in it is apparently on a lo-pumpkin diet because he doesn't eat ten or twenty of them and he only kind of picks at his food. But the film does have a pumpkin in it and it does have a hippopotamus in it and beyond that, you'll just have to trust me that a real Hippo Pumpkin Feast is a lot of fun to watch. Consider this the briefest taste...

• Posted at 2:46 AM · LINK

Tuesday Morning

Do I look slower than usual? I should. I'm on a dial-up connection at the moment. My high-speed Internet connection — which used to come from Comcast and now comes from Time-Warner, like that's supposed to be better or something — has taken a hike on me. Want to waste a half-hour of your life? Try calling Time-Warner Cable to perchance tell them your modem is out. You will, first of all, never get to talk to a human being. There are no human beings there. The company employs only robots and they're all on their breaks.

At some point, you will get a prompt that will say, "If your Internet connection is out, press 1." You will press the damn one, thinking that will get you closer to having your Internet connection repaired. It will not. Instead, you'll go on hold and you'll listen to annoying music and announcements that repeat and repeat. One set of announcements will tell you repeatedly, "Your call is important to us" and you, being the logical sort, will think, "...but apparently not important enough to hire anyone to answer your bloody phone." The other set of announcements will tell you that you can get solutions to various problems they describe by visiting their website. And you, still being logical, will think, "Uh, the reason I'm on hold is because I can't access the Internet."

Eventually, after you've been holding twenty or thirty minutes, the phone line will just hang up on you. That's when you'll be so disgusted that you'll find an old phone cord, rig up a dial-up connection, log in at the speed of an Albanian Rain Tortoise and post this message on your weblog.

At least, that's been my experience.

• Posted at 2:37 AM · LINK

November 1, 2006 • Current • October 30, 2006