Need a receipt for the I.R.S. to back up that business meal you really didn't have? Wanna get reimbursed by your employer for nothing? Then you need to visit Maloney & Porcelli's Expense-a-Steak Headquarters.
So I have discount/membership cards at four markets, four department stores, three drug store chains, one pet food shop, nine restaurants, three booksellers, three office supply companies, two clothing stores, one electronics firm...well, I can't count them all. It's about fifty cards — and I'm just talking about cards for businesses to which I physically go. This is not about signing up for Internet-only merchants. It isn't even about airline frequent flyer cards or hotel chain gold cards. It's about cards that clerks expect me to have on my person when I buy something and want the "real" price.
I keep the three I most often patronize in my wallet. I keep the rest in a little case in my car. It is fast becoming a big case.
Now, I use some of those membership numbers when I order things online and that's not a problem. I've copied all the numbers down and I have them in a little file on my computer, ready to be entered in the appropriate space.
But I like to walk places and within walking distance of my home, there's the potential to need twelve of those cards. When I leave my home, I might not plan to wind up at the Barnes & Noble shop but once in a while, I do...and I don't have that card with me. There are also times when someone else drives or when I fly somewhere and I find myself in a location where I might need one of those cards and don't have it. Because it's back home in that case in my car. In theory, I could plan this better and take the necessary cards but it never works like that. I can't be the only person who's annoyed at being expected to carry all these different cards...far too many to fit in my wallet. And don't tell me about the little keytag versions they sometimes give you. I don't need fifty little tags on my keyring, either.
I used to think someone was going to invent a little device where you could swipe your discount card or scan the barcode...and then it would print out one card with all your discount card data on it, kind of like a universal remote. Or maybe all these companies would sign up for some sort of special iPhone app that consolidated the info in some way that I can still barely fathom. But then I realized the solution was simple. I shouldn't be getting all those numbers from different companies. They should get one number from me.
Some company, maybe the Visa people or someone who's already tied in to all the major merchants, needs to invent something called, let's say, the National Consumer Number card. This would be utterly voluntary. You sign up and they assign you a big, multi-digit number, long enough to allow for everyone to have one but not so long that you couldn't memorize yours. They verify that you're that number and vice-versa, and you give them the kind of info that you always give out when you sign up for something like your Petco Member card or your Best Buy Reward Zone card — address, phone number, e-mail address, etc. It would not be linked to any credit card.
Then, instead of signing up for the Olive Garden's Frequent Pasta Eater club card (or whatever they have or will have), you swipe your N.C.N. card or give them the number and it's the same as if you signed up for their card, except it's your card. There's no reason they can't treat that number the same way they treat the one they now assign you...but you only have to carry the one card. And you could easily go to the N.C.N. website and cancel out any membership...or if you changed your address, you'd only have to change it there the one time and the 93 "clubs" to which you belong would get that information immediately.
I don't see the downside of this to me or to any company. I mean, the Staples people aren't dumb enough to think that just because I have a Staples Reward card, I'm not going to also get an Office Depot Rewards card if I might ever shop there. Can anyone come up with a reason why this is a bad idea for the businesses? I know it sure wouldn't be a bad idea for me.
The seller who put up that non-existent Groo book on Amazon for $999 assured me it was a "software error" and that they would take it down. They haven't yet. But many of you have written me to note a lot of Amazon offerings with the same problem. They all seem to be books that were announced but delayed...and though they've yet to be printed, some seller is offering used copies in "acceptable" condition for $999 each.
A couple of folks have written me with varying degrees of insight. All suggest that it was a software error; that many Amazon sellers use a program that uploads and prices their listings, and that said software has a problem with some items that missed their scheduled release dates. It sometimes doesn't recognize that they didn't come out.
So, uh, why is it so sure that the seller in question has X number of copies in a certain, specified condition? I am told the weird pricing is because the software looks at other sellers who list the same book and it bases its prices on theirs. If no one else has the book, it somehow can't handle that possibility and so defaults...to $999. No one has yet explained why it thinks that the seller's copies (which the seller doesn't have) are in "acceptable" condition but I guess that's a way of hedging one's bet or something.
You'll love this one so thanks to Shelly Goldstein for calling it to my attention. In November of '08, Prince Charles turned sixty and this was noted with a big comedy show hosted by John Cleese. This is the last eight minutes of the show. Do not tune out or stop paying attention during the ballet. As boring as it may seem, just stick with it.
February 22, 2010
