Alexander C. Hart thinks the U.S. Postal Service is a pretty efficient operation. So do I, but Hart points out why it isn't more profitable. It's because unlike most private industry, the post office actually puts money away to make good on its promises of pensions and health benefits to employees.
A group of assholes have announced that they'll be picketing the Comic-Con on Thursday for 45 minutes. Yeah, I know I don't usually use language like that here but in this case, nothing less is appropriate. This is the band of Neanderthals who, in the name of The Lord, picket any public figure who isn't openly hostile to gays, including protesting at funerals. If you're not deeply religious, you ought to be horrified by these people because they spread hate and anger. If you are deeply religious, you oughta be horrified for that reason and because they make people who follow the Gospel look like...well, like assholes.
They say they'll first go over to the Manchester Hyatt and picket because the "adulterous" Al Gore is speaking there. Wasn't there something in Genesis wherein Moses laid the foundation for what we now know as "innocent until proven guilty?" Apparently, that doesn't apply when you just plain don't like the guy. This picketing is also neatly misdirected since if they get any sort of turnout at all, they'll undoubtedly cause more problems for the Hyatt than they will for Al Gore. The owner of the Hyatt, of course, was a leading backer of California's Proposition 8 so in keeping with their tradition of embarrassing those who accept Jesus as their personal saviour, they'll be picketing their own kind.
Then they're going to scurry over to the convention center and picket all of us because, as I understand, we worship comic book heroes instead of Jesus Christ...or something like that. These people have a low definition of "worship." They also will probably be small in number, which is one of the reasons we shouldn't be giving them even this much attention. All they really want are the kind of headlines you get from going where you're not wanted and causing trouble. I think we should do the worst thing possible and just ignore them. And if you're around when they're around and some TV crew grabs you and asks you to comment, just say, "It's great to have these protesters here because they make even the weirdest Comic-Con attendees look sane by comparison."
Not long ago, I was telling my friend George about visiting another fellow named George and I said, "I wrote about this a long time ago on the blog." The first George e-mailed me later and said, "I did a search and no, you didn't." Apparently, I didn't so I will now do.
Around 1986 or so, I was doing a show for Sid and Marty Krofft, who tended then to move from studio lot to studio lot. We were working on one of the older ones in Hollywood and one day, I noticed a parking space for George Burns. I owned a copy of Mr. Burns' 1955 book, I Love Her, That's Why, so I brought it into the office and left it there until a few days later when I spotted a car in his parking space. That's when I took it over to his office and asked the secretary there (a temp, I think) if I could leave it with her, have Mr. Burns autograph it to me and then pick it up later. She looked at a little 3-by-5 card I'd tucked into it with my name written out and under it, I'd added, "The name may not look it but I'm Jewish."
As I'd kinda hoped, she got on the intercom to the inner office and told her employer that a "young Jewish man" had a book he wanted signed...and I remember thinking that compared to George Burns, Jerry Lewis was a young Jewish man. I also remember a little tingle when I heard the unmistakeable voice coming back to her over that intercom. He asked, "Which book?" and was apparently impressed that it was not his recent release but rather one that suggested its possessor was a true fan. "Send him in," he said.
I was sent in. George Burns, sans toupee, was sitting behind a big desk, looking more like a captain of industry than an old vaudeville hoofer. He asked about my surname and I gave him my stock line about how it was made up by the immigration department. Some guy at Ellis Island, I explained, said, "Here come some Jews. Let's give them real stupid last names!" If I had to pay myself royalties every time I've used that joke, I couldn't afford it but it usually gets a laugh and it got a good one from George Burns.
He offered me a chair and we talked for about an hour, during which I learned that Al Jolson was a putz, Danny Kaye was a putz, Groucho Marx could be a putz at times, Eddie Cantor was rarely a putz, George Jessel was the biggest putz of them all and Milton Berle had the biggest putz of them all. We talked about the night back in '72 when Groucho did a sad (because he was so old and out of it) one-man show down at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion in downtown L.A. I'd seen Mr. Burns leaving in a limo after it was over and I asked him his thoughts. As expected, they were all about how Groucho had humiliated himself and how, and I quote, "I sure hope I die before I go out that way." Years later, when Burns was approaching his 100th birthday and it was advertised that he'd perform at Caesars Palace on that milestone day, I thought of that. He did make it to 100 but didn't make it to that stage.
There were, as you might expect, a number of stories about his friend Jack Benny — who, by the way, was definitely not a putz. The one I remember best was about how in the late sixties when strip clubs began featuring total nudity, Mr. Benny couldn't believe that there were places you could go, pay five or six bucks and see beautiful 21-year-old women dancing without any covering at all. The two of them had, with dark glasses and turned-up collars, ventured into one such place once in some other city...and of course, been immediately recognized, much to their shame. Burns did a semi-decent impression of his old friend asking why didn't they have places like that when he was younger, could enjoy it more and was on radio and not so easily recognized? There were also many tales of Burns sending Benny into fits of unrestrained laughter. Mr. Benny was a famously good audience.
So was I that day. As it started to feel like it was past time for me to go, Burns said he'd enjoyed talking to me as "batting practice" for the big game later that day when he'd be sitting in Johnny Carson's guest chair. He had a piece of paper on which he'd jotted down some lines he intended to use. The main topic was to be how he was dating a woman in her forties — "robbing the cradle" was how he described it — and he read aloud a couple of things he intended to say and asked if I thought they were funny. I told him which ones I thought were and then said, "Why don't you have Johnny ask you why you don't date women your own age? And then you say, 'There aren't any.'" Burns laughed, thanked me and wrote it down. Sure enough, that evening on The Tonight Show, there it was. Got a darn good laugh, too.
That's just about all there is to this story. Before I finished my Krofft job and checked off the lot, I stopped in two or three other times for briefer chats. George (he finally asked me to call him that) always greeted me by asking, "Did you get laid last night?" Even if I hadn't, I told him I had and he'd sound amazingly like George Burns when he muttered, "Good, good." Once, I asked him, "Never mind me. Did you get laid last night?" He answered, "Of course...that is, if by 'last night,' you mean 1957." Then he grinned and added, "Actually, it was more like 1970 but 1957 is funnier."
He was right, you know. 1957 is funnier. So was he.
Yes, it sure does! And the entire programming schedule is now online! You can find out what's happening there Thursday! You can find out what's happening there Friday! You can find out what's happening there Saturday! You can even find out what's happening there Sunday!
And I'll save you the trouble of weeding through the whole four day schedule, searching for the important events — i.e., the ones I'm on. Here is my schedule of the stuff I'll be doing there. Here...I even made up one of these cute little banners you can click on if that excites you...
As I mentioned, the convention website is full of useful info that'll help you maximize your Comic-Congoing with a little preparation. Check out this PDF map of where the programming rooms are located in the hall. There are some new ones this year...rooms so new I've never hosted an event in them. And make sure you read this if you're attending programs.
I'll be back later here to answer some more questions about the con.
I don't do this for everyone but I've been real impressed by the small press comics that cartoonist Ryan Claytor produces through his firm, Elephant Eater Press. Small press publishing is for the most part, a kind of guerilla cartooning. You need to write and draw, of course, but at times that becomes the easy part...because you then have to go out and aggressively sell your work and trudge to convention after convention, bookstore after bookstore. I have great respect for anyone who does it at all even if, as is often the case, the product itself leaves me cold.
That is not the case with Ryan, whose work is very good. And if your work is good and you have the passion to do what he does, trucking about the land to promote your wares, you could do worse than read his website, where he has a lot of useful thoughts and info about small press publishing. Come to think of it: While you're over there, buy something, for Pete's sake. You too will be impressed with this man's work.
And if you don't have the energy to mouse on over to where he is, take heart. He may be coming to you. Ryan's about to launch another tour, shlepping from town to town — 25 different stops in 15 states and 5 Canadian provinces. Yow. Here's his schedule. If he's coming anywhere near you, go meet him, buy some books and get them signed. I don't promote a lot of stuff like this but I'm promoting Ryan because I like what he does.
Back here, we told you how a revered (and huge) book shop in Long Beach, California was closing after many, many years. I'm not sure precisely when Acres of Books did finally close its doors but they were reopened the other day for a great close-out sale.
While we wait for the judge's decision in the trial to overturn Proposition 8 here in California, the two lawyers on the side of its repeal — Ted Olson and David Boies — are already taking victory laps. Here's Mr. Boies explaining that following depositions, most of the opposition witnesses were withdrawn...and the main witness against Gay Marriage wound up more or less flipping on the witness stand and admitting he couldn't defend its ban.
The verdict, assuming it's what everyone seems to be expecting, is not going to settle the matter. If anything, the battle will escalate and the whole thing seems likely to head for the Supreme Court at some future date. But as I watched Boies describe the trial, I found myself wishing it could have been televised because it might have changed some minds that are stubbornly set in concrete. And then just as I was thinking that, I heard him say much the same thing. Watch this. It's not long...
July 10, 2010
