There are a half-dozen new reports of Donald Trump not respecting the privacy or personal boundaries of women. His office says those claims are "pure fiction." I suspect that they're probably true, that there are probably hundreds of other women who have similar stories, and that anyone whose vote can be influenced by this kind of thing has already been influenced.
Last evening, I had a call from one of the major polling services asking me how I felt about the election, how I felt about Hillary's e-mails, how I felt about Donald's reported behavior with women, etc. One question was whether the tape had raised my opinion of Trump, lowered it or had no effect. I picked the middle option though a more accurate answer would probably have been that it had no effect but only because I already believed he was like that, and my opinion of the man was already as low as it could possibly get.
This is all so tawdry that you have to look for the silver lining in it all. The best I can do is that I hope some men learn from all this. I fear some won't.
In both the comic book industry and television, I have been privileged to work with or near a lot of veterans somewhat older than I. The list includes some folks I grew up admiring greatly and of course, most of them have been male. A few times, I have been extremely pained to see one of them acting like what we more politely call a "Dirty Old Man."
Some of these men thought their groping, grabbing or salacious talk was all kind of cute or roguish. Some clearly weren't thinking at all. Most could not tell the difference between the occasional woman who was okay with it — perhaps even encouraged it — and the ones who forced smiles and pretended to be okay with it or didn't object loudly enough. And all of those men were shocked when they did notice a lady registering discomfort. They all acted like she was just being a bad sport over some harmless fun that most of the women would appreciate.
A couple times due to circumstances, it has fallen to me to step in and scold an older gentleman about his behavior. Back when I was running a primitive computer bulletin board for the Writers Guild, there was one veteran writer who somehow thought it was a dandy idea to send e-mails to most of the women on the board — some of them, total strangers — asking if they'd be eager or even willing to perform oral sex on him. As if that approach ever in a million years might yield the desired result.
We had a guy in high school who did that, propositioning any female under about 150 pounds. He didn't ask them out. He didn't try to get to know them. He just asked, often in dialogue that would be tawdry in a Ron Jeremy movie if they'd…you know.
You'd think even the most insensitive, self-obsessed clod would stop doing this just because (a) it never worked and (b) it made him look like a dick, thereby eliminating the remote possibility that any of those ladies would find him desirable. Still, that was his take on how males should interact with females.
That, of course, was high school where you kinda expect other students to say and do things out of which they need to grow. You tend to forgive the social clumsiness of others in a kind of unspoken understanding that they'll forgive yours. I got out of high school in '69 and I'm still amazed when I see grown men and women thinking they can still behave like that.
I guess I was naive to be startled when this fully-grown — age-wise though not emotionally — prominent writer did this; when he began using the WGA BBS to hit on female WGA members in much the same manner as that clown at University High. And one reason I was annoyed was because I was the guy in charge, meaning that I had to deal with it.
Many of the women complained to me. Some said they were going to get lawyers and take action against the Guild if they did not see some sort of reprimand or punishment. Others asked that I not let him know they'd complained because he was a man of some power in the TV business and they were afraid he'd retaliate in some manner that would harm their careers.
The WGA lawyers were of no help whatsoever. The Internet was in its infancy, there was almost no caselaw in this area and the attorneys couldn't even say if the Guild had total or zero responsibility for what was posted in private e-mails on their server.
Finally, I just went to this older male writer and tried explaining that nowadays, one did not just touch women without their consent (he did a lot of that, too) and that what you wrote or said to them mattered, as well. At first, it was like trying to explain to a cocker spaniel why he shouldn't hump someone's leg. To him, it was a primal need…but it was also a goof, it was a friendly gag, it was just the way women expect men to treat them. They should be flattered, he said. "Come on," he grinned. "I'm sure you've done the same thing. Every guy does."
I see that last rationale offered up on behalf of Trump now. It's locker room talk. All guys do it. It's not to be taken seriously even if you haven't been in a locker room for ten years.
I had to tell the guy firmly: No. I've done lots of things about which I'm still embarrassed but I've managed to avoid that one. "I've never asked women I barely know that," I told him. "I don't think I ever even asked it of a girl friend on our tenth date." When I was younger, as much out of fear as decorum, I erred in the opposite direction by being too shy…and by the way, if you are going to err, that's the direction you want to err in.
It was a long discussion with this guy because he couldn't or wouldn't understand why what he did was wrong. Finally, I emphasized two points that caused him to agree to not do it ever again…
- Don't do this because you're creating a lot of trouble for me and…
- Don't do this because you really look like a pathetic asshole.
There are, of course, better reasons for not sexually mauling someone, verbally or physically, but #2 was the one that registered with him. So did an implied but unspoken #3…
- Don't do this because it may become a Guild issue and everyone will hear you did this and a lot of people will be pissed at you, which may have an impact on your career, to say nothing of your wife and kids finding out.
That was when he stopped and even wrote barely-sufficient apologies to all the women he'd bothered. Oh — and I should mention yet another reason he stopped. Like many males who mistreat females, this writer had a noticeable streak of homophobia. It flared up a lot when I informed him that four of the women he'd propositioned were actually men with androgynous names.
This was but one of several times I had to verbally spank an older man for groping women or acting like that. Some folks reading this probably know of an incident involving an otherwise-beloved figure in the world of comics who thought that because a couple of women didn't mind him pawing them, it was okay to grab at any body part of any lady.
Over the years, I've learned that even a slimeball will usually do the right thing if he understands it's going to cost him. They don't always stop when they realize they're hurting the women but they usually stop when you make them realize they're hurting others around them — friends and loved ones and admirers who must react in some way to the shameful behavior. And at least in my experience, they all stop when you make them realize they're hurting themselves.
Like I said, I hope some men learn from the example of Trump…and that they don't learn you can get away with it when you're rich and famous.
Ideally, they would get that you shouldn't molest women, even verbally, because it's just plain wrong. I, however, would settle for dudes learning it because it does make you look creepy-bad to everyone, including women you might otherwise have impressed. The creepiest thing about the Trump modus operandi is that little of it seems to be based on the premise that he can charm women into desiring him. It's almost all of the "I'll take what I want because I'm Donald Trump" variety.
Nate Silver says that if Trump loses the election, it will be because women voted against him. I'm sure that will be a major reason, though I think/hope a lot of it will be because Americans don't like the idea of torture or persecuting religions or giving huge tax cuts to people like Donald Trump or electing an unstable man to such an important office and/or a lot of other reasons. His attitude towards women isn't the only thing wrong with this guy.
Unfortunately, none of those will figure into the excuses Trump and his supporters will give for his loss. It'll be because the voting machines were rigged, the counting was fixed, millions of people who should not have voted voted, etc. And it'll also be because those evil Democrats and their accomplices in the media conspired to not let the country know who the real Donald Trump was. I mean, it's not like the TV networks ever gave him air time.
But maybe — just maybe — some men who need to learn how not to be pigs will realize that acting as Trump has with women is a very bad idea. It not only doesn't get you into her pants. It doesn't even get you into the White House.