One of those folks who opts to remain nameless — to you, not to me — read this post here and then sent this my way. But before I get to it, lemme warn you: This is going to be long and it'll get kinda sappy and most of you are smart enough to know what I'm about to say in reply to my anonymous correspondent…
I was very intrigued by your post about having crushes on women in comics or on TV. I've had more than my share of both and as I get older, they feel to me like they aren't healthy but I'm not sure why. I would be interested in your take on this. Did your crush on Mary Tyler Moore have negative repercussions for you, especially when you finally met her?
"Met her" is too strong a term. What happened was, as I wrote in this obit about her, I stepped on her foot at a screening. I apologized every way I could, she politely accepted my groveling… and that was the end of my contact with the former Laura Petrie and Mary Richards. I felt bad as I always feel bad when I do something as dumb 'n' clumsy as that and it had little to do with her ever being what we're calling here a "crush."
But I don't think there's anything wrong with finding someone attractive…not that it's a voluntary thing. It's kind of built into our DNA as an incentive to find happiness and/or propagate the species and if you find someone attractive, you find someone attractive. That's just how it works. What I think can be dangerous is when you convince yourself it's not what it probably is: A placeholder until you find someone with whom you can have an actual relationship.
My crushes on the TV stars I listed were quite different from the ones I had on girls in my high school. I could never have asked Judy Carne out on a date…and not just because at the time, she was married to Burt Reynolds. I could (theoretically) have asked one of the girls in my Geometry class to dinner and movie…not that I thought there was a chance in Hades of any of them saying yes.
I didn't ask any classmates out but I at least talked with them. They knew my name. Most of them giggled at the proper moment when I said something funny or when I drew a passable Fred Flintstone on the brown-paper-wrapping cover of one of their textbooks. (There are many reasons some of us learn to draw and a big reason for a lot of us is that it impresses people you might want to impress. It's the same reason a lot of us at an early age took up magic. I did that too.) One of the many, many dumb things I did in high school — not to be confused with the many, many, many I've done since — is that I never asked a girl out on a date.
Why the hell not? Three reasons, one being that I was sure whoever I asked would say no…so what was the point? Another was that I knew that if I did and got the inevitable turndown, I'd re-experience the pain every time I saw that girl — the one who said no — on campus. That might be (shudder!) several times a day. Lastly, I felt that if I asked one out and got the expected turndown, no matter how gracious it might have been, it might be a long time — somewhere between Years and Never — before I mustered up the courage to try, try again with someone else.
What was I waiting for? Beats the heck outta me. Maybe for some misguided young lady to ask me. I don't know if it works that way for that age bracket in current times but it sure didn't in 1969. (Thought I'm reasonably certain that however it works today, it works the same way when both parties are of the same gender.)
Other classmates of mine were dating back then. In the boys' locker room, guys were even bragging/lying about what happened on those dates. Having read many an Archie comic book, I understood the concept of a "date." And from the fibs in the locker room, I had some sense of things that could happen that never happened 'twixt Archie and either Betty or Veronica.
I was just plain afraid. Fortunately for my life since, I had one of those "it's now or never" impulses on Graduation Day. It led to me asking three different young ladies for their phone numbers and some indication that they wouldn't phone the police and demand protective orders if I called. I wrote about that day here in three parts, the first of which you can find here. Warning: It's kinda long and I come across as a real jerk in it.
If it feels like I'm forcing Too Much Information on you, forgive me. I just recall that day as a major turning point in this silly life of mine…and I see a very strong connection between Mark getting up the guts to ask a girl on a date and, a few weeks later, Mark walking into the office of a big publishing company and for the first time, trying to sell something I'd written. Amazingly, I got the answer I wanted there too and it was another major turning point.
I know a lot of people — and thanks to Social Media, can see a lot on Facebook and other forums — who are clearly unhappy with their relationships and/or their careers. There are many reasons for each dissatisfaction and I've written plenty on this blog about why I think careers go askew or just plain don't happen…and don't worry. I haven't the time or the experience to list all the possible reasons why marriages fail or couples split up or never get together in the first place. I'll just say that Unrealistic Expectations have to be a major factor…and I don't see how anyone could not have Unrealistic Expectations about someone they lust after from afar. Some even have them from lusting anear.
In my teen years, I probably had "crushes" on about fifteen or sixteen movie or TV stars. I probably got to actually meet about ten of them eventually…and by "meet," I don't mean stepping on someone's foot. I mean talking to them, sometimes for a little while, sometimes for more. The total number of them who turned out to be the people I thought they'd be was approximately zero.
Some of them were very nice. A few became actual friends in some loose sense. But none of those ladies turned out to be, when not performing, precisely the person I'd had the crush on…which is the problem with crushes: You're not infatuated with an actual person. You're just infatuated with a figment of your imagination — one perhaps built around the visual of the crush but not much more. To have a real relationship, you kind of need to fall in love with a real human being.
But you already knew that. Most of you, anyway. This was just for anyone out there who somehow didn't and especially for the guy who wrote me. The next e-mail I answer here will be about comic books or cartoons or something I'm more qualified to discuss.