Candy Corn Commentary

Time for a bit of honesty. I figure you can use all you can get during this election.

Three items ago here, I linked to reports that the Oreo people are coming out with a candy corn flavor. Since I am a well-known loather of candy corn, I had been deluged (about twenty e-mails) by folks who thought I'd run screaming into the streets at this news. To keep the joke going, I posted what I posted. But really, it was just a joke because the honest truth is that I don't care if there are candy corn Oreos because I'm not going to eat them and it doesn't mean anything to my life if you do. I don't eat candy corn or Oreos when they're not in some sort of unearthly mash-up, either.

A few years ago, I gave up candy, cake, cookies…anything of that sort. There was a time — less than a decade ago — when I would have bet you my comic book collection that I could not do that and indeed, I didn't even try. Then one day, my sweet tooth went away and edibles in that category ceased to interest me. This was after I'd given up carbonated beverages of all kinds and before I gave up fruit juices and most fruits. I still don't quite understand why I no longer want that stuff.

But even when I did eat candy, I didn't eat candy corn…and it was no great inconvenience to avoid it. The truth is that I don't eat most foods. Or to put it another way, the list of things I'll put in my mouth has always been sparse. I have a very long list of food allergies and another, less vital list of foods I just plain don't like. When I was at my heaviest, folks would make jokes like, "Wow, when you go to a buffet, you must clean them out." I made such remarks myself when a laugh seemed obtainable. Sometimes, I can later use them on Garfield.

Still, all my life I've been able to go to a restaurant and order in about twenty seconds…because 95% of what's on there is food I would never eat. I've even gone to restaurants (particularly Mexican ones) where the tally on entrees was 100% Things Mark Can't/Won't Eat.

The rant about hating candy corn was just a bit…and not, as I later found out, even an original one. Lewis Black, I later learned, used to do one on the same premise. Not a surprise since candy corn is such a silly concept: "Hey, Arnie! You know what kind of candy kids would probably buy? Candy that looked like foods they hate! Let's pick a vegetable!"

It finally dawned on me that the joke is out of kilter with my basic philosophy of life (or one basic philosophy) which is along the lines of, "Hey, if you like it and it doesn't infringe on my life, fine. Whatever it is." So I'm dropping it from my repertoire and will not be rerunning it this Halloween. I'll also try to watch the smartass remarks about other foods since it really doesn't bother me if someone else eats them, just as long as I don't have to.

Unless, of course, we're talking about cole slaw. Because cole slaw is just evil.