One evening in 1986, I got a call from Gary Belkin, a friend of mine who was one of the top comedy writers of all time with numerous Emmy Awards and other trophies to prove it. "Any chance you're going to be at the Improv tonight?" he asked. I hadn't planned to go by but he somehow talked me into it.
There was a new comedienne who was showcasing there, testing out the act she would be doing the following night on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. It was potentially her big show biz break — not her first time on TV but the first time that really, really mattered. Gary had been hired to coach and critique her, and he wondered if I could be there to add my opinion to the pile. Since the script I was writing that night was getting nowhere fast, I decided to go in, see this lady I'd never heard of before and hang around for a bit.
The largely-unknown performer took stage shortly after I arrived…and you'd never have known from her demeanor and presence that she was largely-unknown. She was confident without being cocky. She had strong material and she delivered it with confidence and good spirit. When Gary asked me if I had any "notes" to offer, I said, "Yes. Tell her to do it exactly like that." As it turned out, that's what he'd already told her.
Soon after, he brought her over to meet me and I told her something like, "I hope you enjoy tonight because after tomorrow evening, you're going to be spending every waking minute turning down offers." We chatted for a few minutes and I thought she was cute in both visuals and personality…so I did what I usually did back then when I met a woman I liked. I suggested, in as non-pushy a manner as I could manage, that we might have dinner some night. I don't recall the words of her polite turndown but I recall thinking, "Gee, that was about the nicest way any woman ever told me to get lost."
So we never went out…or even spoke again. Still, it wasn't a total waste: I got a joke out of it. The line — and I've used it more than once — is to say of some futile activity, "That's the biggest waste of time since that evening I spent at the Improv hitting on Ellen DeGeneres." Yep, that's who it was and I still think she's terrific. She was terrific the next night with Mr. Carson, she was terrific in all those gigs she got as a result of being terrific with Mr. Carson, and whenever I tune in her afternoon chat show, I think she's real good at it.
I didn't, however, think she was that wonderful in '07 hosting the Academy Awards…and it was not her fault. The job to me requires someone who is a movie star (Billy Crystal, Hugh Jackman), a person of great importance (Johnny Carson, Bob Hope) or, preferably, both (Steve Martin, Frank Sinatra). Ellen has done a few films but she isn't a movie star and she doesn't quite meet my other requirement either. But do they listen to me? Nope: She's been announced as next year's Oscar host. She'll be better than Seth MacFarlane but so probably would anyone chosen at random from the phone book. Hey, maybe she can do a tasteful song called "We Saw Your Dick."
It of course doesn't matter that much who hosts the Oscars. Doesn't matter to the world and I don't think it even matters that much to the Oscars. The show's about the awards, not about the person who does the big, fancy opening then disappears for most of the proceedings. If it can't be someone like Steve Martin, it oughta be Neil Patrick Harris who is, sort of, a movie star these days. Heck, I'd even waive all my rules for him and say he should host every awards show of any kind. I imagine he was bypassed for the Oscars because someone felt he's too identified with the Tonys. It also may be that he'd want to bring in his own producing team rather than the folks who already have that job. But one of these days…