We continue with our tour of the top fast food chains that I have patronized…
I haven't been to a Wendy's in at least ten years because…well, I haven't found myself near one in those occasional moments when I need to grab a bite, A.S.A.P. When I last dined at one, I thought the burgers were a notch above McDonald's, the fries were a notch below…and everything else on the menu seemed to be whispering to me, "You don't want to eat us…order a burger and fries." But that was then, this is now, and I've heard so many folks say Wendy's is the best of its kind that I may try to be near one, next time I'm desperate.
Then there's this: I have a friend who has a little art studio business down on Pico Boulevard in a part of L.A. that seems to attract homeless people. He's often approached for handouts as he goes to and from work and that creates a dilemma. He'd like to help those who are truly hungry…but there are liquor stores aplenty in that area and he doesn't want any money he dispenses for food to instead be spent for alcoholic beverages.
So he came up with this idea: There's a McDonald's in the area so he went in, bought a fistful of gift certificates and when street folks say they're hungry, he offers them a couple of those.
Reactions, he reports, have been mixed. One person who'd just said, "I haven't eaten in two days and I'm hungry," responded to the offer with "I'm not that hungry." Most accept the gift. A few have said they want money or nothing. And one, he tells me, actually said, "Don't you have any from Wendy's?"
The nearest Wendy to that area is over two miles away. Now, that's a recommendation.
Darn near my least favorite business on this list is Burger King. Their burgers always taste burnt to me and their fries taste like they've been PermaPlaqued. And what I really bemoan is the same thing I don't like about cole slaw, which is the way the world keeps trying to force it on me. It seems like every time I find myself in an airport and need to eat something, my only real dining option is Burger King. They seem to have some sort of exclusive in terminals I fly in and out of.
That's just about the only circumstance in which I've ever eaten at a Burger King and increasingly, I decide hunger is preferable. About twenty years ago, my friend Scott Shaw! and I were engaged to whip up some promotional comic books for the Burger King Kids Club. We did four issues that were sold or given away (I'm not sure which) in a test effort at selected Burger Kings across the land. I guess whatever they were testing didn't test so well because we were never asked to do more. I suspect the problem was they didn't encourage customers to read the hamburgers and eat our comic books.
Somehow during the project, I wound up with about $30 in Burger King gift certificates. I probably should have followed the lead of my above-mentioned friend and handed them out to the homeless but I figured the homeless had enough problems. So instead I put the coupons into my laptop case since, as I said, the only time I'd ever eat at a Burger King is in an airport and I always have my laptop case with me in an airport. By the time they expired — which was five years or around half the shelf life of a Whopper — I'd used less than half of them. When the kids in the Burger King commercials used to sing, "Have it your way," I wanted to sing back, "My way is for you to direct me to the nearest Fatburger!"
The last time I patronized Burger King in an airport was about a year ago. On the recommendation of a friend, I tried and did not truly dislike a relatively new item…the Chicken Parmesan sandwich. It doesn't taste like chicken and it doesn't taste like parmesan. It barely tastes like a sandwich but it's not bad. It's also not available in all of the small food court/airport Burger Kings. I asked at one and the lady at the counter said, "No, we don't carry it. We should because people keep asking for it."
As with Burger King, I usually only experience Pizza Hut at their stalls in airports…and I know, I know: You should never expect good pizza in a chain, especially a large chain…and you should never expect edible pizza in an airport. The closest thing I've found to good pizza in an airport is Pizza Hut…and it ain't bad if you think of corporate pizza as a completely different food item from real pizza.
Actually, one time I did find actual good pizza in an airport…and it was at a Pizza Hut in the Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix. My friend Len Wein and I had a layover whilst changing planes and the Pizza Hut there had a special kind of personal pan pizza I've never seen anywhere else. I believe it had "bistro" in its name, like this was the special Bistro line, and it was a buck or so more expensive than the usual Pizza Hut airport offerings.
It was good…and I mean "good" as in: If I had that pizza in a restaurant near my house, I'd go back there. Yes, it was corporate pizza, which is usually not wonderful and yes, it was airport pizza, which is usually terrible. But it was good.
I looked for it in other Pizza Huts in other airports along that journey and didn't find it. I looked for it the next time I flew and the next. One time, I found a Pizza Hut next to a Burger King. The Burger King didn't have the chicken parmesan sandwich and the Pizza Hut didn't have the better Pizza Hut pizza. Once home, I called Pizza Hut Customer Service and asked a nice lady there about the pizza in Phoenix. She had to do some research and call me back. When she did, she said, "Apparently, it was a line we test-marketed and it didn't do well so we discontinued it…I think."
That would be a shame but I think I know why. Most people already think those one-person pizzas are overpriced and don't believe that airport pizza is very good. So they weren't about to spend even more than usual for one-person pizzas in an airport. I did and I'd do it again…but I don't think I'll get the chance. The regular Pizza Hut is okay though, especially if you snag one that hasn't been sitting there since the last flight to Cleveland departed ninety minutes ago. I'll settle for a fresh one…especially when the alternative is Burger King…or Carl's Jr. If you think I'm hard on Burger King, wait'll I get to Carl's Jr., a chain that does the impossible. You'd think no one could make that many calories taste that bad.
This series will continue.