Ice Cream Sociable

As I've mentioned here, I usually enjoy watching Food Network Superstar Alton Brown. The exception is when he takes part in these phony (to me) "competition" cooking shows where they assemble a bunch of folks who are supposed to be skilled at meal preparation and jam them into a contest where they have to whip up something wonderful in nine minutes using two duck eggs, a can of raccoon broth, a hunk of month-old kohlrabi and a rusty spatula. And then it all has to be judged by a panel of people who are less interested in quality than in causing the losers to take some kind of Walk of Shame in tears.

At least, that's what those things all seem like to me. But when Mr. Brown is demonstrating how to cook…ah, then I find him fascinating and he always achieves what I'm sure is his intended purpose: To convince everyone — me, especially — that we are way too uneducated to do anything more ambitious in a kitchen than open a tin of Vienna Sausage. And even that's dubious if we don't understand the molecular structure of the Vienna Sausage well enough to balance its pH with the alkaline structure of the plate on which we'll be serving it.

I'm not kidding when I say I really enjoy this. It makes me feel so good about the fact that I'm not a very good cook. I know I can never learn it the way he does so I'm fully justified in having a pizza delivered instead of making something on my own.

I also think the guy does television really well. I guess that's what most impresses me. I like people who do television really well.

The other night, he was on with Stephen Colbert — another guy who does television really well, though I don't think that's too evident on his show lately. Alton Brown's appearance showed why I think that. This is going to get more analytic than the segment may warrant so you might want to bail now. If you want to stick with me, you're going to have to watch two videos. First, go watch Brown's demonstration for Scientific American of a method neither you nor I would ever employ to make ice cream in ten seconds.

And it really does make ice cream in ten seconds. It probably takes six hours to set up, plus loads of time and money to make the apparatus but, by God, the ice cream gets made in ten seconds. Go watch.

Then watch him doing the same stunt with Mr. Colbert…

I don't think this spot worked that well for a couple of reasons. One is the insufficient time allotted for it. They jumped into it too fast. No rapport was established. There was no build-up to the wonderment of making ice cream in ten seconds.  There's an interesting science lesson here but Brown didn't have time to explain any of that.

They both looked like they were in a hurry to get through it, which is the way a lot of the interviews on Colbert's show now strike me. He's like a doctor who's seeing you in Examination Room A while the next patient is waiting in Examination Room B and Doc has to finish with you in a hurry so he can get over to them.

Brown, who understands how to time a TV show and who knows exactly how long this stunt takes, was under the gun to finish on time and to leave room for the plug for his Broadway engagement…so he was in control of the segment.

I don't think Stephen Colbert is comfy being out of control of a segment on his own show and there's also the fact that the routine, as Brown has developed it, hinges on him being the boss and the other guy playing the stooge. Colbert doesn't do "Stooge" well.

So it all kind of turned into Brown giving orders and Colbert, who's supposed to just play along, trying to do things before he's told and hurry the bit along, while all the time looking for spots to inject a few probably-preplanned lines like the Trump one and "It's Alive!" at the end. They could maybe have played this conflict for fun but there wasn't time for that.

Colbert didn't seem particularly impressed or even to be enjoying what they were doing. Maybe there's something infectious about the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater because it reminded me of those times Letterman seemed to not want to participate in the segment and treated the guest like he wasn't happy to have them there. There were times I wanted to yell at the screen, "Hey, Dave! It's your show! Your staff lives in terror of displeasing you! You don't have to have any guest on if you don't want!"

And lastly, Brown usually does the bit making chocolate ice cream. Here, he was making Pumpkin Spice Latte ice cream. Why? Because it's almost Thanksgiving, a fact they didn't mention? To get the Trump joke in? Making something timeless and familiar like chocolate ice cream in ten seconds is amazing.  Some of us have even made chocolate ice cream at home and we know how long it took.  And since we all love chocolate ice cream, it feels like something worth any kind of effort to make it appear.

Pumpkin Spice Latte ice cream?  No one likes that.  Even the guy making it in this routine hates it.  I don't care if you can make it in ten seconds.  It can take ten years for all I care.  I ain't eating it.

So the bit was too rushed.  Colbert didn't seem to want to do it.  Two smart men didn't say anything all that smart to each other.  Colbert doesn't know how to follow orders — or doesn't want to because he's supposed to be in charge of the activities and is expected to be funny. And worst of all, they made the wrong kind of ice cream.

I still think Stephen Colbert is one of the most talented men ever in television and that he has all the skills necessary to do a fabulous talk show. He might be able to do one if he'd just stop trying to do what every other talk show does but do it faster.

Y'know, I still TiVo him every night…but it's taking longer and longer for me to get around to watching them. What Alton Brown came on to do is a dandy analogy for what I think is wrong with Colbert's program. If the ice cream is any good, it doesn't have to be made in ten seconds.