Just got my Instacart order and yes, I got eggs — non-organic instead of organic but in these times, we all have to make sacrifices.
They were out of the frozen pizza I like and I got a few other second choices. They also cut my order for bottled water down from eight gallons to two. And the frozen chicken breasts they delivered say "Best if used by March 25" on them so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. But I got most of what I ordered.
One other no-show was toilet paper. I actually have enough of it to last me a month or two, even after giving a few rolls to needy friends. I always have a little stockpile because if you've got the room to store it, it's a dumb thing to run out of. But a couple of folks I know are getting desperate to have another roll or two on hand and I figured if I was fortunate enough to score a package, I could put some minds and sphincters at ease by saying, "Come over. I'll leave a couple of rolls on my porch for you." One person I know would have been here in a nano-second.
But the stuff is still in short supply and hoarders are the only conceivable reason. I mean, is it possible that Americans are now using five times as much of it as the norm? The news plays havoc with your digestion but not that much. I see that a lot of the T.P. that Amazon still has in stock is the overpriced "gag" kind imprinted with the faces of Trump, Biden, Bernie, etc. Is there a stupider, more sophomoric joke gift than that?
Getting back to frozen pizza: I know some folks think it's an abomination and that fresh is the only way to go but frozen has two advantages. One is when you just want the equivalent of a slice or two and it's 1 AM. The other is when you're living in isolation — as (ahem!) some of us are — and you only ever want a slice or two. If it was during business hours and I had three friends here, I'd get a fabulous one from Vito's. If I were to order one today when they open, I'd either wind up eating the whole thing myself or throwing much of it away. I'm not sure which would be more painful.
I tried all the personal-sized ones at the local markets and the best one for me was Red Baron. If you bite into one expecting restaurant-quality, you'll be disappointed but it's that way with all frozen pizzas. And I have had pizza fresh from pizzerias, including a couple times in New York, that I liked less than Red Baron from my microwave. Maybe you have better brands in the markets near you.
And speaking of frozen pizzas: You may remember Dave Portnoy, the Internet zillionaire who founded Barstool Sports, and who's been doing daily pizza reviews on YouTube since Lou Malnati was in high school. I linked to a video or two of his long ago and I still check in when he reviews a place I might conceivably be near some day. While self-quarantined in his fancy New York flat, he's taken to reviewing frozen pizzas and this somehow led to companies sending him pizzas to review which somehow led to companies that make other things and his fans sending him stuff.
And this has all led to some of the weirdest videos ever posted on the Internet. He gets so much stuff that it has led to him doing live "unboxing videos" where he just opens the gifts for — I am not exaggerating — over three hours. Why is this interesting? Well, for one thing, you can usually count on him physically injuring himself and/or destroying a large part of his apartment. People send him a lot of weapons which he tests out. They send him food which he samples. One time, someone sent him an ax and he used it to open the next carton which turned out to be full of wine bottles that he shattered.
It's all really strange and that's about all I'll say. I'm not recommending them and I'm not not recommending them. You can decide for yourself. But if you like watching chaos and occasional self-destruction by a very wealthy guy, his videos are posted on the YouTube channels of Barstool Sports and One Bite Pizza Reviews. He wasn't wild about Red Baron pizza, by the way.