So this is weird. Yesterday afternoon, I received a package from an outfit called GoFoExpress containing a set of ear buds and a "smart watch" that looks like it would be overpriced if they paid you to take it. It measures what it says is my heart rate but if my heart is really pumping at the rate it says, I will explode before I finish writing this post. It also gives a current time that is not current anywhere on this planet with no instructions on how to change it and it counts the steps I take. As I was sitting here, not budging from my office chair, it counted 10 steps. So it's about as accurate as Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — maybe a little more so.
But here's the real weird part. The package was addressed to me but I didn't order either of these things. I didn't order anything from GoFoExpress, which I gather is not a company from which you order. You order something from some other company overseas and then that company packs up a big crate of smaller boxes to be delivered to customers in the United States, ships the big crate to GoFoExpress here and they mail each package individually to its intended recipient. At least, I think that's how it works.
Absolutely nothing in or on the package told me what firm thought they were filling an order I'd placed so I located online a phone number for GoFoExpress and called them. After a semi-reasonable length of time, a man came on the line. English was clearly not his first language and maybe not his second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth, and he was probably not located on the same continent as I inhabit. I gave him the tracking number on the mailing label and he looked it up and told me he was sorry my package was late but it would be delivered soon. Just when, he could not say.
I told him it had already been delivered and he made a sound that I think was intended to ask, "Well then, why are you calling?" I explained to him that I hadn't ordered what was in the package. He told me that it had to be a gift from a friend. I told him none of my friends would send me something as crummy as what was in the box. He said something else I could barely understand but I think it was "Well, maybe not a good friend."
I asked him to tell me what company sent this to them to send to me. He told me he did not have that information, could not get that information and there was no way anyone at GoFoExpress could possibly give me that information. And then, of course, he asked, "Is there any other way I can assist you?" That was the end of the call.
I vaguely recall ordering a computer accessory a few months ago from some firm that may not be in this country. I never received it and my credit card was never charged so maybe this is them accidentally sending me the wrong thing. If it isn't that, I have no explanation…and I've decided to stop thinking about this. If my heart rate is even a fourth of what they say it is, I may not have much time left in this world. I wouldn't want to waste any more of it thinking about this stupid package. And by the way, while I've been writing this seated in a chair, I've apparently taken five more steps.