My Gastric Bypass – Part 5

This is the fifth in a series of I-still-have-no-friggin'-idea-how-many parts about a gastric bypass operation that I underwent in 2006. To read the first part, click here, to read the second part, click here, to read the third part, click here and to read the fourth part, click here.


As you may recall, during my hospital stay in early February of 2006, I kicked my addiction to Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, 7-Up, Sprite, Canada Dry Ginger Ale, Hires or A&W Root Beer and a few others…and without even trying! I'd never liked the diet versions of any carbonated beverages so I'd quaffed the sugary versions for years and they'd contributed to a lot of my weight gain. When I gave them up forever, I also increased my daily walking regimen and cut way, way back on desserts and bread.

As a result, I began losing a pound or three a month. That ain't nothing but when you're teetering at or about a top weight around 365, you need to do better. Dr. Preston was estimating that with Gastric Bypass Surgery, I would lose somewhere between a hundred and a hundred and fifty pounds. That is, if I could actually get the damned operation. I was on Dr. Preston's esteemed list for Mid-August and I was scheduled to meet him for the first time in Mid-April. I was also told that was probably the only time I would see him before I was being prepped to be wheeled into surgery.

I was more nervous about that pre-op visit with Dr. Perfect than I would be about the operation itself. This may sound silly but I wanted Dr. Perfect to like me, to know my name and think of me as more than just Operation #7,296 or whatever number I was for him. I'd always had very good experiences when I could feel a little bond with my doctor. That was my goal the day I arrived for the appointment at his office which was in a complex called The Center for Minimally-Invasive Surgery.

The sign on that office door gave me a certain amount of confidence. This operation would have a very big impact on my life but it would be done via Minimally-Invasive means, otherwise known as Laproscopic Surgery. They made tiny holes in the patient, not big ones, and the whole process was…well, Minimally-Invasive.

Dr. Perfect's Surgical Coordinator greeted me cheerily. She was the person in charge of The List and she was so nice to me that I wish I could remember her name now. Since I can't, I'm going to call her Beth. She showed me on the schedule that I was penciled-in for August 11 and she said, "I may be able to move you up a week or two." She was surprised when I said, "Please don't." I still wanted to go to the Comic-Con in San Diego from July 20-23 and if my surgery suddenly got moved to those dates or just before, that would not be a good thing.

We got to talking and I asked her what the point of this appointment was. I asked, "Is it so he can get to know the patient?" She said, "No, it's strictly medical." Leaning in so only I could hear her, she added, "Dr. Perfect tends to not get too friendly with his patients. He's very, very good at what he does but if you're expecting him to become your buddy, I'm afraid that's not going to happen."

She was very nice and I found myself talking to her the way I talk to a close friend. I said, "I don't want him to go play basketball or hang out with me. It's just that….well…I usually don't feel comfortable around people until I've made them laugh at something I said, something I did." She gave me one of those "Poor Baby" looks and said — again, so no one else could hear — "I've known the doctor for quite some time. I wouldn't count on that happening." I'm sure she could see the disappointment on my face.

When I finally went into the examining room with Dr. Perfect, she seemed to be right. He was, of course, excellent at what he did but it was All Business. I said a few friendly/funny things (I thought) but got no reaction out of the man. As the two of us exited that room, I felt like I'd failed.

Dr. Perfect gave her some notes to add to their massive files on my physical condition, then he asked her, "Where's Dr. Miller? I haven't seen him all day." Beth told him, "Oh, today is his twentieth wedding anniversary. He took the day off so he and his wife could celebrate."

I suddenly heard myself saying, "Yeah, they're home having Minimally-Invasive Sex!"

Suddenly, Beth was laughing. Some other folks who'd overheard the exchange were laughing. But the amazing thing was that Dr. Perfect was laughing…a lot.

Beth flashed me a "thumbs up" sign as Dr. Perfect asked me to come over with him to another doctor in the office and he had me recount the exchange. It was, Dr. Perfect thought, the funniest thing he'd heard in years. He asked me, "How were you able come up with that so fast?" I replied, "I'm a comedy writer. It's kind of my job. It's like if someone asked you, 'How were able to take out that guy's gall bladder?'" And he laughed at that, too.

Dr. Perfect had other patients waiting so we shook hands and Beth walked me to the door. She said, "That's the first time I've seen that man laugh." Later that afternoon, she called and told me that my tentative surgery date of August 11 was now my firm surgery date of August 11.

It didn't stay my firm surgery date for long. The next day, she called to say they'd had some cancelations and that I was now scheduled for August 4. That was still after Comic-Con so that was fine. Then a few weeks later, I was set for July 26 — still after Comic-Con but just barely. I thanked Beth but I asked her, "Please don't move me up anymore. I'll be at Comic-Con in San Diego until the 23rd or the 24th." She said she understood and wouldn't move me again…

…but then around Noon on May 24th, Beth called and told me there were more changes on their calendar. Before she could tell me some new surgery date, I said, "Please…don't move me up another week. I've agreed to host twelve panels at Comic-Con and I don't want to have to cancel on them."

Beth said, "Don't worry. I'm not going to ask you to have the surgery during Comic-Con in July." She heard me exhale a sigh of relief and then she asked, "But how would you feel about the day after tomorrow?"

TO BE CONTINUED