This is the sixth in a series of I'm-thinking-two-or-three-more-but-don't-hold-me-to-this parts about a gastric bypass operation that I underwent in 2006. To read the first part, click here, to read the second part, click here, to read the third part, click here, to read the fourth part, click here and to read the fifth part, click here. Simple?
Let us review. So around Noon on Wednesday, May 24th, I got a call from Beth, the Surgical Coordinator for Dr. Perfect, the surgeon who was going to be performing Gastric Bypass Surgery on me. This would take place, I'd thought, on July 26…just days after that year's Comic-Con International in San Diego. Beth was calling to discuss perhaps moving me up to Friday, May 26th. Instead of having the operation right after Comic-Con, I would have it less than 48 hours after that call. Which would mean plenty of time to recover from the procedure before Comic-Con.
But it would also mean a lot of hurried rearranging. The conversation went like this. As you read it, try to imagine a slowly-increasing tone of mild panic in my voice…
BETH: A patient we had scheduled for Friday afternoon has canceled. He says he's too scared. Dr. Perfect told me to find someone else from our list to put in that slot as I told him I wanted to put Mark Evanier in there. He said, "Who's Mark Evanier?" and I said, "He's the patient who made that joke about Minimally-Invasive Sex, remember? And Dr. Perfect said, "Oh, I liked him, yes. See if he can get the necessary tests done in time!"
ME: What are the necessary tests?
BETH: It pretty much amounts to a full physical — x-rays, blood draws, stress test, the works. I'm not able to find any way to get it all done here so you'd have to find some way to get it all done in time.
ME: Arrange for a full physical by Friday morning?
BETH: No, I'm afraid that in order to put you officially on the schedule for Friday, you'd have to have it all done by tomorrow.
ME: Get the whole thing done by the close of business tomorrow?
BETH: Well, actually, first thing tomorrow. Like by 9 AM, I'm afraid. I know it sounds impossible but I figured if anyone could figure out how to arrange it…
ME: Okay, okay. Can you fax me the list of what I have to get done? I'll do it. I don't have any idea how I'm going to get it done but I'm going to get it done.
She agreed to fax over the list, we hung up the call and I dialed the cell number of my great physician and friend, Dr. Preston. I caught him at lunch and blurted out what I needed. He said, "Get over to my office. If we have to, we'll keep it open late today to make sure you have all those tests!" At that very moment, my fax machine was printing out the list from Beth. As it did, I called a friend of mine, the great magician (and now, voice actress) Misty Lee.
Misty had a live magic show coming up and I'd agreed to spend Friday acting as a kind of director/consultant, helping her stage portions of the show. I explained to her what I'd been offered for that day and she instantly said, "We can get by without you. Go ahead and get the surgery!" Thank you again, Misty. I dunno if you saved my life but you sure saved me a lot of guilt for canceling on you.
I drove over to Dr. Preston's office where there was a jam-packed slate of patients that afternoon, many of them needing the x-ray facilities, the treadmill, the lab that did the bloodwork, etc. But they squeezed me in where they could. The office closed at 5 PM but the necessary technicians stayed late and around 6:30, I was handed a big manila envelope with all the required test results in it. I drove it over to the hospital where most departments were closed but I finally found someone who would accept delivery of the envelope. I then went home and made the necessary calls to cancel or postpone some other plans for Friday and the weekend that followed.
At 9 AM Thursday morning, Beth called to say, "I don't know how you did it but you did it. You're all set for tomorrow!"
She gave me instructions about where to be, when to be there and what not to put in my mouth that morning or the night before. If you've ever had a colonoscopy, you'd recognize most of the instructions.
People ask, "Weren't you afraid?" Nope, not really. I knew I was in good hands and I was probably more afraid of not doing something about my weight. Even though — Spoiler Alert! — it worked out well for me, I still stop short of recommending this procedure to anyone else. I will however recommend that if you need to do something about your weight, that you actually do something about your weight.
(I also recommend that you not forget that the story I'm telling you here took place in 2006. There is no medical procedure on this planet that is now performed the exact same way it was nineteen years ago.)
The next morning, I got up early and my great friend (then, now and forever) Jewel Shepard drove me to the hospital and gave a last hug to — as of that day — around 340 pounds of me.
MORE TO COME