Category Archives: To Be Filed

Another day of deadlines. Another day of minimal posting. But to stall getting to the paying work for a few more minutes…

I thought Obama's speech last night was pretty good. Maybe it's wishful thinking but I have the feeling the "everything this man does is evil and wrong" campaign is starting to lose steam; that people who were convinced the U.S. would be a Commie wasteland ruled by Sharia Law by now are noticing that hasn't quite happened and are starting to feel a bit manipulated by those predictions. Jonathan Chait has up an interesting theory that Obama's problem is that Conservatives don't like him because of what he's accomplished — increased health insurance for some needy folks, for instance. But Liberals don't love him because of what he hasn't accomplished — no Single Payer Health Insurance, for example. He's going to leave behind a pretty impressive record of accomplishments, especially given the opposition he's faced.

Mr. Chait, by the way, has penned a brief summary of what's happened in the last twenty-four hours with Iran taking U.S. sailors captive and then releasing them.

I do not care who plays football where as long as it doesn't create traffic jams where I want to go. There is no male in this country less interested in football than I.

It doesn't matter to me one bit if the Chargers move to Los Angeles along with the Rams. What I want to do is get the Padres to leave San Diego. Then maybe we could use their stadium for Quick Draw! during Comic-Con.

Still enjoying the Carson reruns on Antenna TV. The other night, they ran one with Flip Wilson and George Carlin, and at one point the two men did a fake newscast sketch together. I always knew just how funny Mr. Carlin was — sometimes with brilliant material, sometimes with silly material but always funny. I had forgotten how likeable Flip Wilson was without ever being very funny at all. An interesting study in contrasts.

Last night, I had a fascinating conversation with an Uber driver — a young man who's going to school to become a Restaurant Health Safety Inspector for the city. His family owned a restaurant and as he grew up, he became well aware that while his folks' eatery was always in compliance, many others weren't and he decided to get into that line of work. He said the "A," "B" and "C" ratings that the board assigns in this city are insufficient and he wants to reach the point where he can propose some ideas to improve them. I told him that I agree the ratings are inadequate. I've found that in Los Angeles, I only feel really safe when I'm dining in a place that's posted an autographed photo of Howie Mandel.

Back later. Or tomorrow. Or whenever I reach page 22.

Here's a very, very short Monty Python sketch that never fails to make me laugh…

I don't think I'll watch the State of the Union address tonight. They've gotten to seem so phony what with Democrats standing and cheering all the positive accomplishments and Republicans sitting there scowling, pretending they aren't positive accomplishments. Whenever we next have a Republican president, you'll see all this played out in reverse. And you can probably count on some Repub yelling out something to show disrespect to something Obama says. I wouldn't be surprised to see Louie Gohmert moon the Chief Exec while all his fellow Congressfolks do that fratboy bit where you cough and say "blow job" at the same time.

I'm so tired about the lack of reasonableness from all sides in politics these days. Everyone seems to have decided that you have to talk to the public as if they're low-grade simpletons who want everything reduced down to monosyllables. One of the things they all seem to have learned from Trump is that you can dodge questions or contradict what you said last week as long as you sound tough and remain on the attack. So no one explains. They just keep pushing Today's Message which is always some variation on "We're strong and they're weak!" Talking tough remains a reasonable substitute for actually being tough.

I have friends who are terrified Donald Trump will be the G.O.P. nominee. I'm not sure why they're fretting because they'd be just as unhappy with any of the alternatives. Actually, among the front runners, I'd peg Trump as the one least likely to actually do all the things he's said he'd do. And I still think we're a long way from actually knowing who the nominees will be and what all the major issues will be in this election. It'll be about at least something that isn't on anyone's radar at the moment.

Several folks I know are abandoning the two major parties to officially register as Independents…only they really aren't. They register "I" but their hearts are really with "D" or "R." Independent status is becoming a way to be a Democrat or a Republican but not being quite as embarrassed by some of the things they do. You vote the exact same way but accept no responsibility for your real party's excesses. I wonder how many people even know or care that the guy who's currently running second for the Democratic nomination — and he stands a good chance of winning in Iowa and/or New Hampshire — is not a registered Democrat. He just votes like one.

You've probably heard about this but it's got me wondering…

For $200 million, the Playboy Mansion, where risqué parties have raged for decades, could be yours. But you might want to think twice if you're aiming to close escrow on the famous property that went on the market Monday and move in quickly, since Playboy Magazine founder and party master Hugh Hefner has often said he will never live anywhere else.

"A condition on the sale would be that Mr. Hefner be able to continue to work and live in the residence," Playboy spokesman John Vlautin said.

So let's say I win the Powerball and buy the Playboy Mansion. Those two things are about equally likely, especially since I don't buy lottery tickets. Is it that I don't get possession of the estate until Hef dies? Or I get to move in but I have to tolerate him as my roommate for the rest of his life? Hef shuffles around my home wearing pajamas, a captain's cap and an expression that indicates he has no idea where he is. (He probably doesn't, after all. They could move him into an assisted living facility and get him a young blonde nurse with huge breasts and he probably wouldn't know the difference.)

If I don't get the deed until all of him's as stiff as his hosting of Playboy After Dark, why doesn't it say that in all the news releases? Why doesn't it just say that this is a big Reverse Mortgage deal and that the new owner is buying the place now and that Hef has possession until he goes to that big movie night in the sky?

On the other hand, if it's just that Hef gets to keep his room…well, that's not what he wants. He wants his servants and his parties and his offices and his 24-hour kitchen that cooks for him and bedrooms for his visitors and nubile caregivers. Wouldn't I have to let all that stay? And who pays those people? Just what am I buying here?

Some of the articles say that it'll have to be worked out with the new owner whether Hef pays rent or stays there for nothing. Aren't there other possibilities? Couldn't I, say, demand that he earn his keep by helping out around the place? He could clean the pool or mow a few of those lawns or feed the llama. (Come to think of it: Do I get ownership of the llama? The flamingos? James Caan?)

Suppose I buy the place, Hef stays and then Bill Cosby needs a place to live? Lawyers are expensive.

Some of the news pieces say that at $200 million, it's way overpriced, especially since the building has gotten very shabby and will probably be a tear-down. I wonder about both those things. Yeah, the spread isn't worth that in a real estate sense…but there's gotta be a couple of ultra-super-rich men out there in the 60-70 age bracket who've fantasized all their lives about being the master of the Playboy Mansion. It wouldn't surprise me if the Playboy Corporation is putting it on the market now because they know of a few who might just pay the asking price this minute rather than get into a bidding war after Hef's ashes are scattered in the grotto.

In the early seventies, I briefly worked for a magazine publisher named Arthur who was obsessed with Hefner. Arthur never got the funds together but he wanted desperately to launch a Playboy imitation that would displace the original…and he was less eager to make the zillions than he was to simply outdo Hef and be hailed as the new male whose lifestyle most young men wanted to emulate. He had fantasies of Hef going bankrupt and becoming homeless, forced to sleep on a round bed at the Y.M.C.A.

If Arthur had a billion bucks today, he'd buy the place and pay full price plus escrow fees. And he wouldn't tear it down because the whole point of it was that he wanted to own and live in the Playboy Mansion, not some other estate built on the same land.

Given the way he ran his publishing firm back in 1972, I doubt Arthur has a billion smackers or a company these days. But if he did, I'd like to think of him purchasing the mansion and maybe he's mellowed to the point where he'd let Hef stay. He might even see the convenience of having him on the premises…say, if Arthur wants an intro to Jim Brown or needs to borrow a cup of Cialis. I'll bet we could make that work.

Where has this method of tying a necktie been all my life?

What was the biggest dinosaur in history? Well, as David Goldenberg tells it, that's not as easy a question to answer as one might think.

As you may already know, I feed feral cats in my backyard. Lydia has been coming around since around 2007. She's the one I once had to trap and take in for a feline abortion. Sylvia's been around for a year or two less, plus we have occasional mystery guests.

Once in a while, they get the remnants of a roast turkey or rotisserie chicken I have around but most of the time, I put out Friskies — a mix of dry food and wet. The dry food is always the same mix called Seafood Sensations but the wet rotates — cans of beef, chicken, turkey and various fishes or sometimes combinations of two flavors.

When I go to pick out a can of something to give them, I sometimes think, "Hmm…they had beef last night. Maybe they'd like chicken tonight." Then I stop and wonder: Do they care? I've seen zero evidence that they wouldn't be just as happy if I bought a caseload of one flavor and gave them the same thing every single night of their lives.

It's easy to make the mistake of presuming a cat — and this is true of most animals — thinks at all like we do. Sylvia was briefly affectionate when she first showed up but at some point, she went totally feral and now won't come anywhere near a human being. She sits on the back steps to indicate she wants food but as soon as I open the patio door, she flees to a safe distance, waits there until I put the grub out and won't approach it until I've shut the door from the inside and latched it.

I keep thinking that after thousands of free meals served on this basis, she'll eventually figure out that the tall being is a friend who means her no harm. Then I remind myself that's ridiculous. There is no learning curve here. Some pussycats might pick up on that but fear of people is hardwired into her and that ain't gonna change.

In the same way, I deceive myself when I select canned food for them. I buy chicken, beef and turkey because that's what I eat, even though the chicken, beef and turkey in the Friskies cans is very different chicken, beef and turkey. But even if it was similar, why presume they'll like what I like? The cat I had when I was a kid would only eat one kind of canned cat food — Chopped Kidney. I'd rather eat cole slaw…and you know how I feel about cole slaw.

For all I know, whenever I give Lydia and Sylvia some Friskies entree which from the name sounds yummy to me, they turn to each other and say, "When is he going to stop with this Sliced Turkey in Gravy crap and give us some Chopped Kidney?"

I really have no idea here. They scarf down everything I give them including the dry food which does not even seem like food to me. A few weeks ago, I gave Lydia one bite of lobster from the half a lobster roll I brought home from a restaurant. She gobbled it down in two seconds and I thought she might be thinking, "Wow, this is the best thing he ever gave me." But then I realized she gobbles everything down with the same enthusiasm. I once saw her eat part of a dead mouse just as ravenously, maybe more so. (By the way: I would rather eat a dead mouse than cole slaw.)

It's one of those things I need to remember: I'm really fussy about what I eat but the felines who hang around my back yard are not. They eat whatever I put out and if they're hungry and I'm late with dinner, God knows what they eat. Probably something a lot worse than what I give them. I'm wasting my time trying to make dinnertime interesting so I'm canceling tonight's veal and goat cheese soufflé and just ordering them a couple of Big Macs.

As other folks (rightly) mourn the passing of David Bowie, I thought I'd mention Richard Libertini, who was so wonderful in…well, everything he did but the list would start with The In-Laws, Fletch and Sharky's Machine. He turned up in a lot of films and TV shows, often making small roles into memorable roles with his presence. He also did some cartoon voices from time to time, including the role of Wally Llama on Animaniacs.

I never met or worked with Mr. Libertini, which was my loss. I did see him working with some local improv comedy groups from time to time and he was always terrific. And you could tell he was much-loved and respected by his peers.

I can't think of a thing to write here beyond the obvious: Great performer. Important performer. Fine artist. Leaves behind a body of work that will endure forever. Very sad. Everything everyone else is saying is so true.

Former president Jimmy Carter and his foundation are reportedly very close to eradicating the guinea worm parasite from the face of this planet. They've already cut way, way down on the incidence of this disease. What an amazing achievement. Read all about it.

William Saletan calls Ted Cruz "the most spectacular liar ever to run for president." And explains why he thinks that.

I have to finish a script about a lazy, lasagna-eating cat so I may be neglecting this page today. Before I leave you…

Eric Idle discusses how much money he's made as a member of Monty Python.

That link was recommended to me by my longtime pal, Joe Brancatelli — the man who knows more about the airline industry than anyone in it. Here's Joe with tips on air travel during the winter and how you might avoid sleeping in the terminal. And here's Joe telling you some problems you may encounter this year.

If you're a fan of Lewis Black, you're nuts to not check out his webcasts. After every live appearance he makes, he does a 20 minute (or so) segment answering questions from the audience, including the audience watching on the web. It's broadcast live when it happens — follow his Twitter feed to know when that is — and then a day or so later, it turns up for viewing on this page. They aren't up there forever but at any given time, the last six or seven of them are there to be watched.

The Golden Globe Awards are tonight. Awards of this kind are only meaningful in two, maybe three senses. Awards make people feel good even when they know deep down how arbitrary the selection process is and how the pick may represent the opinions of a very small group of somebodies. Secondly, awards boost careers. Your movie may sell more tickets and you may get more offers of work for better money. And then there's the "maybe" one, which is that you may have a great time at the ceremony, win or lose and it may be a fun show. The Golden Globes are of real dubious validity on the first point, some worth on the second and a lot on the third, especially when Ricky Gervais hosts. Here's an article about who gives them out and who votes and how the more you know about this, the less impressive these awards are.

I'm looking forward to Samantha Bee's new show, which debuts on TBS on Monday, February 8. This article makes a big deal about how it'll be — and I quote: "…the only late-night satire program currently hosted by a woman, and one of very few in the decades-long history of the genre to feature a female star."

That's all well and good but I'm looking forward to it because Samantha Bee is very clever and funny. She did some of the best field pieces on The Daily Show and if she can deliver that standard on Full Frontal With Samantha Bee, she should have a terrific show.

Somehow when this show was announced, a lot of folks seem to have gotten the idea that it was a nightly hour talk show like Conan O'Brien's. It's actually a once-a-week half-hour that sounds more like John Oliver's show, though with the host doing more remotes. I would imagine TBS will run each episode several times throughout the week and I hope viewers can find it. Conan has suffered somewhat from being on a channel where many people do not expect to see original programming.

The article suggests some bitterness about her not being considered for the host job on The Daily Show. (So did her body language on Jon Stewart's last episode.) Maybe it was just a matter of money but if not, I'm thinking Comedy Central made a mistake letting her and Jason Jones get away.

The Word of the Year has been announced. I don't really care what it is just so long as it isn't "meta."

Gee, I wonder what would happen if you stuck 10,000 sparklers in a pot and lit them all at the same time…