Category Archives: To Be Filed

The other day here while plugging Frank Ferrante, I uploaded the title page on a script for The Dick Van Dyke Show — the one about the walnuts. Ruben Bolling, maker of the wonderful Tom the Dancing Bug wrote to ask…

As always, love your blog. I was wondering if you knew what the code on the front page of the Dicky Van Dyke Show script meant (A-1, B-10, etc.). If so, I'd love to know, and I'm sure many of your reader as dumb as I am would too.

Sure, I can tell you. The script had seven scenes in it and they called the first one Scene A and it started on page one. They called the second one Scene B and it started on page ten…and so on. Scene D was bisected by the middle commercial so the first half of it started on page 25 and the second part started on page 30. The entire script, by the way, was 42 pages.

As you'll see in a moment, Surprise Guest Danny Thomas was mentioned in the script. On the cast list, however, it merely said that the role of "Guest Star" was played by "A Twiloite."

While I was scanning, I thought you might also like a peek at the description in that script of a pretty famous scene in television history…

…or perhaps more appropriately, where I won't be. I don't expect to be at any comic conventions between now and next Easter when I'll show my face plus other, more attractive parts of myself at WonderCon, which is down in Anaheim again. I still want them to have more WonderCons in San Francisco but I've grown fond of the Anaheim ones, too. The 2015 one is April 3-5 and if you watch this site, they will soon tell you more than that.

I have though agreed to be at the Miami Book Fair, which takes place November 16-23. I'll be there the last two days of it, signing and giving some sort of talk or lecture or I don't know what they expect me to do but it's all about The Art of the Simon and Kirby Studio, a new book I put together for the fine folks at Harry N. Abrams Books. It officially comes out November 11, though I'm told they'll have a few copies for sale next weekend at the Abrams booth at the New York Comic Con. I will not be at the con but I've signed some bookplates that will be in those copies.

(By the way, because some have asked: I was a hired hand on this book. Most of the proceeds go to the Estate of Joe Simon and the Estate of Jack Kirby. I have the feeling the latter doesn't really need the money now…)

Dark Horse Comics has formally announced the new Groo maxi-series for next year. It's called Groo: Friends and Foes and here's the description of the first issue…

Each month of this year-long series, Groo and his faithful pooch, Rufferto, encounter a different acquaintance — or enemy — with the usual dire consequences! In #1, Groo crosses paths with Captain Ahax, the seaman with the world record for most ships sunk by the all-time stupidest character in comics! Brought to you by the award-winning team of Sergio Aragonés and Mark Evanier! Eisner-winning letterer Stan Sakai and colorist Tom Luth round out this all-star team!

Not much more to add to that. Each month of 2015, you get a new issue of Groo. We're working away on it now…already finished up through #4. The stories, by the way, are not really continued but they are connected. That is, you'll want to read them in the proper order and if you do, you just might see an interesting sub-plot develop. Gee, it's fun to be doing this again. Hope it shows through.

From the Jerry Lewis Telethon in 1998, we have Don Rickles being very Don Rickles. This was when Jerry was on medication that caused him to swell up to the combined body weight of himself and Dino…

People are drinking less milk and at least one person (in this article) believes it's because of misleading labels.

Steven Pinker punches back against those who lecture us on certain strict rules of grammar. I want to hire this person to answer some of my mail.

Almost every magazine publisher I've ever worked with has had intricate (and sometimes immovable) theories about what you put or don't put on your cover in order to get people to buy. Back in the seventies and before, one iron-clad rule was that you never — no, never — cover any part of your logo in any way. You want it to be instantly readable. I see a lot of magazines breaking that "rule" these days.

Also, every publisher seemed to have a list of words and phrases that increased sales. The man who was the Publisher at Marvel Comics for years, Martin Goodman, had a list that included words like "tales," "savage," "astonish," "strange" and "suspense." That was why he published Savage Tales, Tales to Astonish, Strange Tales and Tales of Suspense. He also seemed to believe no one would buy a western comic book unless it had the word "kid" in its title. When I briefly worked in 1970 for a publisher of Hollywood-themed gossip magazines, he got angry if the words "Love Nest" were not on his covers…and it couldn't be spelled "Lovenest."

So I'm wondering about the current issue of Cosmopolitan which, as you can see, partially obscures the title and tempts potential purchasers with, "Butt & Leg Workout. Get the Ass You Deserve!" What was the thinking behind that?

I'm not saying it won't help sell magazines. It's certainly a grabber when one is waiting at the supermarket checkout counter. I'm just wondering about the discussion before they put that on there. I'm not a big reader of Cosmo but it seems to me every cover has to have at least one promise to women of the secret to getting a body that men will crave.

And come to think of it, if you took out the part about butt and leg workout, the exact same blurb would work on the cover of Hustler.

Joby W. writes to ask…

I agree with you that the term Living Legend is way overused. I also agree with you that if it applies to anyone, it applies to Carl Reiner. I'm curious though why you won't be going to see Carl Reiner at his appearance and get his new book signed.

Well, I've met Carl Reiner on a number of occasions and I got his last few books signed. But I also have what for me is the ultimate Carl Reiner autograph. Here's the cover page for a script he signed for me a few years ago. (The others on there are Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie and Larry Matthews.)

By the way: Take note of the most amazing thing about that script. As you can see, it was written seven months before it went into rehearsals. Betcha there hasn't been a situation comedy episode in twenty years that has come close to that spread.

I often recommend my pal Frank Ferrante's one-man show (well, one man plus pianist), An Evening With Groucho. I don't usually go for impersonator shows but this one is very special. Frank does a stunning job of making you think that's the one, the only Groucho on stage. Can't tell you the number of people who have written to tell me they've gone because of my hectoring and are grateful.

Tomorrow night, he's doing it in North Andover, Massachusetts and before the year is out, he'll be Grouchoing in Germantown, Maryland and Glenside, Pennsylvania and Clayton, North Carolina and Lancaster, Pennsylvania and Old Saybrook, Connecticut and Morristown, New Jersey and Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania and Owings Mills, Maryland. If you reside anywhere near one of these burgs, you can find out when he'll be there and how to get tickets on this page.

So right about now, my friends in Southern California are probably asking out loud, "Hey! When is he playing here?" Well, here's the answer: January 11, 2015. He'll be doing one show that afternoon at 4 PM at the Gindi Auditorium at the American Jewish University. That's up on Mulholland, not far from the Skirball Center. I had lunch with Frank yesterday and he thinks this will probably be his only booking in this area for all of 2015.

You can order tickets at this page…and I suggest that if you want to go, you do so now. Based on the seating chart there, it looks like they're going fast.

While you're over there: On November 9, the same organization is hosting an afternoon with Carl Reiner. It's $36 to attend or $100 if you want to attend a special reception with the man. The $100 ticket isn't as expensive as it seems when you consider it includes a signed copy of his new book, which costs $25 in stores and (at the moment) $19.40 on Amazon. I probably won't be attending this but you might want to. Mr. Reiner is one of the few people around who's called a Living Legend and actually is one.

There's a great image making the rounds of the 'net. It shows, as any fool can plainly see, how paper clips are made by a machine. Meanwhile, the website How Products Are Made describes the process thusly…

1. The process begins with a huge spool of galvanized steel wire. A worker feeds the end of the wire into the paper clip machine. A finished paper clip has three bends. The machine forms the wire into these three bends by cutting it and passing it by three small wheels. The wheels are slightly roughened, and catch the length of wire as it passes.
2. The first wheel turns the wire 180 degrees, making the first bend, the second makes the next bend, and the third wheel makes the final turn. The entire process is so quick, the machine can churn out hundreds of clips a minute.
3. The finished paper clips fall into open boxes. The boxes are shut and sealed.

That is not the only way, of course. Here's an audio file disguised as a video file. The voices you hear will be that of those wonderful experts about everything, Bob and Ray…

Hey, you might like to go through David Letterman's 1982 interview for Playboy. Some pretty funny stuff in there. Also, a lot of things that have changed since. Here it is.

Ken Levine likes this advice to writers from Mike Nichols…

Every scene is either a fight, seduction, or negotiation.

I'm not sure I agree with that. A lot of great movie scenes only have one person in them and it's hard for one person to fight, seduce or negotiate with him or herself. A lot of great movie scenes are end scenes which provide resolution and peace after a lot of fighting, seducing and negotiating.

Which of those three is Julie Andrews singing that the hills are alive with The Sound of Music? Which of those three is the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles? Laurel and Hardy pushing the piano up the stairs? Citizen Kane saying "Rosebud?"

But I'm thinking it's Mike Nichols so he must be right and I'm wrong.

Joe Conason says that some governors' efforts to help their states' economy by tax cutting, union busting and budget slashing haven't yielded the promised results. Betcha those who think that's the way to make states prosper will look at that and say, "Well, we just didn't do enough of it." And when that fails, they'll say the same thing.

Another story about a car I owned. This one is rather short but the coincidence in it is worth sharing with you.

In 1992, I bought the '93 Lexus…a very good car, by the way. It cost me twice what another new car might have cost but it also lasted twice as long as another new car might have lasted. It was not as extravagant an investment as it might have seemed. A friend of mine who bought a new Chevrolet — a Cavalier, I think — around the same time compared notes with me years later. He wound up spending a lot more money than I did once you factored in repairs and its shorter life and the pittance of resale value.

I'm thinking this story took place in '94 or '95…around there. Maybe '96. Whenever, it was before the Comic-Con in San Diego had a Preview Night on Wednesday. It opened Thursday so I decided to drive down Wednesday evening after rush hour. Wednesday afternoon before the trip, I took the Lexus in for routine servicing. My Service Consultant — his name was Andy — performed the scheduled ritual, rotating tires, checking brakes, changing oil, etc.

I got my car back at 3 PM and left L.A. for San Diego at 8, driving straight through without stopping. I pulled it into the circular driveway at the Marriott next to the convention center, let them unload my luggage and then left the Lexus for the attendants to valet park. I was checking in at the desk when one of them ran in and said, "Sir, we can't start your car."

As it turned out, neither could I. Absolutely dead. A number of attendants tried to push it to one side out of the way and they couldn't do that, either. The wheels were all locked.

Lexus then had its own proprietary version of the Auto Club. From inside the immobile car, I phoned and they told me nothing could be done that night; that I'd have to wait 'til morning and they'd dispatch a flatbed to take it to the nearest Lexus dealer. They also told me about a secret switch that had to be disengaged in order to push the car when it wasn't running. (I believe this feature did not appear on later models.)

That done, we pushed it to one side so departures and arrivals would not be impeded at the Marriott and I went up to my room and off to sleep.

Next morning, I went to the con and hosted a panel. I also arranged with a friend to host my Noon panel in case, as seemed likely, I didn't get back in time. Then I ran back to the Marriott just as the flatbed truck was arriving. Somehow — though it was parked on the curve of a circular driveway — they got my car on the truck. I rode with it as it was taken to the nearest Lexus dealership, which was in Kearny-Mesa ten miles away.

We arrived at the garage. The new head of the Service Department, there on his first day, took one look at it on the Flatbed, recognized my license plate and said, "My God! I know what I did wrong!"

It was Andy, the guy who'd been in charge of its servicing the day before in Beverly Hills. That had been his last day there before he started down here. Even while my car was still on the truck, he realized he'd forgotten to reconnect some cable under the hood. The driver unloaded my car, Andy popped the hood and reconnected the cable, it started and I drove back to the Marriott.

I got back in time to host my Noon panel. I think it was about Incredible Coincidences in comic books and how things like that never happen in the real world.

From 1969: Bing Crosby and his son Phillip introduce one of my favorite performers, George Carl. I've linked to Mr. Carl before here but this is a clip you probably haven't seen…