Category Archives: To Be Filed

My pal Leonard Maltin got to be a question (or rather, an answer) on Jeopardy! last evening…

In case you don't get it, his entire review consisted of the word "no" and it got him into the Guinness Book of World Records for writing the world's shortest movie review. In 2008 when the movie Who Do You Love? came out, I was waiting for someone to try and best him by writing a review that merely consisted of the letter "I." It would have been gramatically-incorrect but it would have been half the length of Leonard's wordy review.

I'll link you here to a list someone made up of the Ten Best Jewish Delis in Los Angeles. What it actually is is a list of all the major delicatessens in Los Angeles except Jerry's — and I'm not sure Jerry's, even back when it was good, qualified as a Jewish deli. It was (and is, assuming they haven't closed the last one yet) kind of a Jewish Deli in the same sense that Beefaroni is Italian Food.

Of the ten, my three favorites are — in this order — Canter's, Nate 'n Al's and Art's. Label's Table probably shouldn't be on the list because it's more of a sandwich place…though they will sell you a corned beef on rye that's as good as any in town for about 40% less. I haven't yet been to the newest one on the list, Lenny's. It's apparently doing well, replacing Junior's, a long-time favorite in that building that plunged in quality.

During my brief foray into the restaurant business, a man who was supposedly well-versed in that industry told me, "There are only two reasons why a new restaurant fails — bad management or bad location. And there are only two reasons why an old, established restaurant closes — bad management or new competition." I suggested a number of other reasons…like changing tastes in food or an outbreak of Hepatitis but to him, these came under the heading of "bad management."

Hepatitis was one of the reasons the Jerry's Delicatessen in Westwood went under. Those used to be great places to eat but they seem to be disappearing faster than Chris Christie supporters. They had great sandwiches, great potato latkes and the best chicken soup in town. The only downside was that if you went to the one in Studio City back in the late seventies, there was a good chance that your busboy would be Andy Kaufman, being obnoxious and inept for his own amusement…and no one else's.

Since my food allergies limit the vegetables I can eat, I eat a lot of the ones I can eat. One is carrots. I eat a lot of what they call "baby carrots." Apparently, a lot of people are scandalized to learn that these are not tiny, young carrots that are grown that size. I've always known how they came to be. If you don't, here's the story…

Anti-gay fanatic Fred Phelps has died. The obvious temptation is to gather outside his funeral with signs calculated to cause as much discomfort as possible to his friends and family. Let them see what it feels like.

But Tyler Lopez says we should just cheer for the unity that his antics provoked to energize the movement for gay rights in this country…and I think that's good advice. The last few years, a lot of people in this country found themselves on the fence on issues like Gay Marriage and increasingly pressured to take a side. They looked at the folks fighting for gay rights and they looked at the folks opposing them…and as long as the face of the latter group was Fred Phelps and his Westboro Alleged Baptists, they had no trouble deciding who were the good guys.

A fellow named Tony Figueroa put this together and it's wonderful. It's a history of the Universal Cities Studio Tour and a celebration of the energetic, often talented folks who conducted it.

I have a little history with the tour. In August of 1969, I was hired to revise and update the basic script that the tour guides used. For the first decade or so that Universal offered this tour, taking people all over its backlot in trams, it was quite different from what it later became. There were no Disneyland-style elements with robot monsters or thrills. It was just a tour of the backlot, showing you buildings you might recognize from movies or TV shows, taking you through a soundstage and through what was represented as an actual star's dressing room. It was usually Lucille Ball's and I wonder if she ever set foot in it.

Since there was a lot of filming then on the lot — Universal movies, Universal TV shows, plus plenty of projects where they were renting space to non-Universal films and shows — the tour had to be constantly rerouted and changed, sometimes permanently, sometimes just until some production finished filming in a certain area. As the tour changed, the script was no longer applicable…and tour guides who often didn't know much about the lot's history had to ad-lib. At one point, the tour was going past a certain ancient house and the guides took to saying it was featured in many Laurel and Hardy comedies. Laurel and Hardy, of course, never filmed on the Universal lot.

So I got the job of revising the script to reflect what the tour (then) actually showed. Years later when I became friends with the TV writer Stanley Ralph Ross, he told me that he'd written a script for them around 1968 but I don't think what I revised had much of Stanley's handiwork in it by '71. The amount Stanley told me he'd been paid for his work was about ten times what I was paid so I figure it was at least double.

The money sucked but I did it just so I could spend a few days wandering around the Universal lot, which I did. They gave me a little go-cart but I preferred to walk…and walk I did, all over that tremendous hunk of real estate. Most interesting thing I saw? Alfred Hitchcock. I told that story back here.

I stalled handing in my script because once I did, I'd be off the lot…but finally, they demanded it. When I delivered the material, the fellow who'd hired me asked if I wanted to test it out. I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "Well, maybe go out as a tour guide for a few days and test it out." That hadn't occurred to me but I decided it might be fun. So the next day, I tag-teamed with an experienced guide and we jointly conducted three tours. The first was fun, the second was less fun and by the third time around, I was thinking that would be the last time for me. I did though make some good (I thought) revisions in the script based on those test-drives.

At the end of the tour, the tourists were deposited at a place called the Entertainment Center where they could buy refreshments and souvenirs, see a show with trained animals, see a show with stunt people and actually meet an actor. The studio would engage some TV star to hang around all day and sign autographs and chat with people. At the time I was there, it was Bob Hastings from McHale's Navy.

As I neared the end of what I knew would be my last go-round as a tour guide, I made the scripted (by someone else) pitch about the Entertainment Center. I told them they'd be able to meet an actor there and a woman in the back of the tram yelled out, "Can I meet Tony Franciosa?" I immediate said, "No, I said an actor." Big laugh…but a fellow who was on the tour I was conducting didn't think it was so funny. He was Tony Franciosa's publicist.

He headed, fuming, for the office of the fellow who'd employed me who, of course, did not tell him I was the person writing the script from which all the other tour guides would be reading. He just said, "We'll get rid of that despicable tour guide! Imagine saying such an awful thing about that great star of many Universal TV shows, Tony Franciosa!" (By the way, I had nothing against Mr. Franciosa. It was just a joke. If the lady had asked about seeing Gene Barry or David Janssen, I would have given her the same response.)

I'm not sure if I was fired as a Universal Tour Guide because I already planned to never do it again…and also, I'd never actually been hired as a Universal Tour Guide, nor was I paid for being one. But I was paid for my script and I got a bunch of free passes to take the tour. About eight months later when a friend was in from out of town, I did. The guide used most of my script, including the little joke where she pointed out the house used in the movie, Psycho, then pointed out a little walkway next to it and said, "That's called the Psycho Path." I am told that line stayed in the tour for a long, long time. Oh, the residuals some of us never get.

Here's Tony's film. You'll want to take the image full-screen and you may just find yourself watching the whole half hour…

Fred Kaplan on how the West can stop Putin. I'd feel more confident if Fred was Secretary of State instead of John Kerry.

Playboy has posted online the text of an interview in this month's issue with Stan Lee. It mostly has to do with Stan's delight at how famous he is, how famous the Marvel Super-Heroes are, etc.

A lot of the history is not only at odds with my understanding but it's different from things Stan has said in the past, both in print and in private conversations. I suspect an upcoming issue of Playboy will feature a letter from Steve Ditko saying much the same thing.

Our pal Lee Aronsohn took dialogue he found on various right-wing websites and used it to make this video about Obamacare…

So Nate Silver has this new website which will, he says, try to present analysis of data without "advocacy," meaning he ain't gonna try to spin it to promote some political agenda. Whether he will actually accomplish that, of course, will be arguable. It's very difficult these days for anyone in the public discourse to respect a non-partisan who says things they don't want to hear. (As Stephen Colbert has noted, "Facts have a well-known Liberal bias.")

Amazingly, an editor over at New Republic — a publication/website that does exactly what Silver says he's going to try avoid — is offended at the concept.

For those of you being assaulted with claims that Obamacare is tanking the economy, causing fewer people to have insurance and undoubtedly is the reason Flight MH370 is missing, I suggest Rick Ungar. He's the "Token Lefty" over at Forbes magazine — a lonely job, no doubt, at a publication that worships the wealthy. For some reason, they let him (and may even pay him for all we know) write some hard-hitting columns about how dire predictions about the Affordable Care Act are not coming true. Take this article, for instance.

Today (Wednesday), Stu Shostak has two of my favorite people on Stu's Show and if you tune in, they'll be two of your favorites, as well.  But that's okay.  I'm a generous sort and I'm willing to share them with you.  Bill and Cheri Steinkellner are a married couple of amazing talent, much of it writing talent…but Cheri's a great singer and actress, and Bill's also a fine director and one of the best teachers of improv comedy in the country.  What have these people written?  Well, TV shows like Cheers and The Jeffersons and Bob (the Bob Newhart sitcom where he played a comic book artist) and the cartoon series, Teacher's Pet.  There have been others.  They wrote the book for the Tony-nominated Broadway show, Sister Act.  Bill was one of the main people behind the original Pee-wee Herman Show and he taught a lot of performers who have since become quite famous, and Cheri teaches at U.C.S.B. and has another musical she's working on and…oh, they've done way too much for Stu to cover in one show.  Just tune in and hear them.

Stu's Show can be heard live (almost) every Wednesday at the Stu's Show website and you can listen for free there. Webcasts start at 4 PM Pacific Time, 7 PM Eastern and other times in other climes. They run a minimum of two hours and sometimes go to three or beyond.

Shortly after a show ends, it's available for downloading from the Archives on that site. Downloads are a paltry 99 cents each and you can get four for the price of three.

Patric Verrone was the president of the Writers Guild of America, West for several terms, one of which thrust him into the unenviable position of leading us in a strike. Even in times of peace, that is not an easy job because…well, running any kind of labor organization is tough, especially in this day and age, and a strike puts you at war against some of the world's mightiest corporations. Plus, you can count on a certain amount of fragging from your own side. We have some members — not a majority but too many — who are so incessantly angry and nasty to our leadership that they don't deserve to have anyone good and sane run for office.

I thought Patric was good and sane and he demonstrated the skin of a rhinoceros and the diplomacy of Mahatma Gandhi after est training. (I'm not sure what that means but it sure sounds like a joke, doesn't it?) Besides, the guy's not only a writer, he's even a writer of cartoons including The Simpsons, Futurama, Rugrats and others. He is now running for the California State Senate and I just donated to his campaign.

I am not supporting him because of his cartoon work. There are plenty of cartoon writers who…well, if they ever got into public office, the entire government would be on sale next week at the 99-Cent Only Store, plus we'd be at war with Korea, the Soviet Union, Iran and Disney.

I am supporting him because I think he did a great job as prez of the WGA, and because I talked with him a lot about Guild affairs. I was impressed with him when I agreed with him, of course…but I was even more impressed when we disagreed. We had the kind of mature (at least on his end) back 'n' forth discussion that I wish I felt I could have with anyone I vote for on my local, state or national ballot. If you'd care to join me in a donation, here's where to send the bucks.

Not long ago on the Daily Show, Jon Stewart hammered Fox News contributor Andrew Napolitano pretty badly for some of Napolitano's claims about the Civil War. Last week, Stewart had Napolitano on and the latter insisted, among other things, that Lincoln tried to arm the slaves. Stewart and a panel of experts told him he was wrong. Well, according to Politifact, he was.

I often mention another friend o' mine, Joe Brancatelli, on this blog. I've known Joe since the early seventies when he was one of the first people with actual Journalism chops to cover the comic book industry. Now, he covers the airline industry. He sends me the following two "corrections" to this piece I posted the other day…

1. You're wrong to say everyone who writes on the Internet has a theory about MH370. Respectfully, I know more about airlines than 95 percent of the people who write on the Internet and I have no theory. In fact, I wrote a column last week lambasting the awful coverage of MH370 and the rampant speculation masquerading as news.

2. You're wrong to say that detective movies and TV shows have duped us into thinking this stuff is like a puzzle with pieces that become a workable scenario. Actually, a plane crash (or whatever this is…) is exactly like that. You fit the pieces of fact together and it shows you what happened. The problem with MH370? We have no facts. To paraphrase the lingo of detective movies and TV shows: We can't establish motive, we don't know the means, are sketchy on anyone's opportunity and, by the way, we can't even find the crime scene. Baffling.

I'm not even sure we're clear yet on what crime has been committed but yeah, Joe's right about the lack of facts and more right about the shameless way the media once again proves that line from reporter Jack Germond that I quote here all the time: "We're not paid to say 'I don't know' even when we don't know."

I do think people expect real-life mysteries to be as "pat" as fictional ones and this expectation leads them to think they have something all figured out when they don't. Look at the thousands (literally) of different authors and supposed experts who have figured out with great certainty, different scenarios as to how John F. Kennedy died. They all thought they had all the pieces and they all arranged them into different pictures. But one of these days, authorities should know what happened with flight MH370 —

— and then we'll start hearing that that account, whatever it is, is a cover-up and we'll hear countless different tales of what really happened…

Steven Thompson calls my attention to this brief video in which David Brenner shares his memories of that first Tonight Show shot…

And I should mention that some of my knowledge of Mr. Brenner is because I'm good friends with his ace publicist, Jeff Abraham. Jeff confirms to me that the Tonight Show from January 8, 1971 was definitely his first time doing stand-up on television and writes…

It was either one day shy of his 18th or 19th month of being a stand-up…which is pretty damn amazing when you realize most comedians don't make their Tonight Show debut until after they've been doing stand-up for about five years.

Utterly amazing. Jeff also informs me that the day after, Brenner had $20,000 worth of job offers in hand, including a slot opening for Sonny & Cher at the Sahara in Las Vegas. Buddy Hackett, who had points in the Sahara, saw Brenner on Johnny's show and urged the hiring.

Of course, the big triumph for a new comic who appeared with Johnny was to be invited over to the guest chair after his stand-up. The rule changed from time to time over the years but it was usually as follows: Do not expect panel (i.e., sitting with Johnny) until your fourth time on the show. After you finish your set, take your bow and glance over at the producer.  That would usually be Fred DeCordova. He will signal you as to whether Johnny has signalled him that you are to receive the rare honor of panel before your fourth appearance. If you don't get that signal, finish your bow and get off the stage.

You had to do exceptionally well on your first Tonight Show appearance to get panel and only a few comics did. Jeff thinks that Johnny wanted to bless Brenner with that honor but that David just plain left the stage too rapidly.