- Today's potatoes are from Clawson Farms in Shelley, ID. Or so five men would like me to believe. 21:52:53
- Yes, I worked with John Travolta. No, he never asked me for a massage. 13:37:40
- TSA agents did a complete pat-down of Henry Kissinger at the airport. Found six harbor mines, three nukes and Jill St. John. 13:43:45
- Bristol Palin lecturing us about marriage is like…well, like Bristol Palin lecturing us about marriage. Jokes are no longer necessary. 18:13:46
- From now on, every time I see someone with a bad haircut, I'm going to say, "Hey, who's your stylist? Mitt Romney?" 18:16:55
- Today's potatoes are from Tibbits Farm in Sugar City, ID and they were cut by five guys who held them down on orders from Mitt Romney. 20:16:18
- Nice to see Obama get that all-important Betty White endorsement. Romney's probably taking Abe Vigoda out to dinner tonight. 13:20:03
- I don't care what someone did in high school. But I remember every bad thing I did then and don't believe someone who doesn't remember his. 15:17:26
- Of course Romney doesn't recall an alleged bullying from high school. He doesn't even remember being in favor of health care mandates. 18:19:57
- 20 years from now, 95% of those living in North Carolina now and still alive then will be saying, "Well, of course I didn't vote for it." 23:41:43
- Today's potatoes are from Circle C Ranch in Hamer, ID. And I'll still bet they were packed by a guy named Luke. 20:52:44
- Just had 1st disappointing 5 Guys meal. Burger was overdone, fries were underdone. To their credit, the Dasani bottled water was perfect. 21:58:14
- At Indianapolis Airport. There's no caste system in America but if you want to feel like a peon, try belonging to the wrong sky miles club. 11:01:28
- On a plane to Minneapolis. Someday, L.A. will be a big enough city that there will be direct flights to it. 13:58:56
- I have a 45 minute layover in Minneapolis-St. Paul. Since that's two cities, I guess I have an hour and a half, right? 15:04:30
- On the plane to LAX. There was a bloody battle for space in the overhead compartments. We're now storing the bodies up there in them. 17:08:15
- The passenger in the seat next to me has lapsed into a coma…on my shoulder. I'm going through his wallet. 17:18:08
- If he doesn't wake up in five minutes, I'm tweeting his American Express number. 17:19:05
- Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream" sold for $120 million. I just found it in the SkyMall catalog for $39.95. 17:24:41
- We're passing over Arizona. Sheriffs are coming through the cabin demanding Proof of Citizenship from anyone who looks vaguely Hispanic. 19:05:39
- Landed but they say we're waiting for a tow to the gate. How about if us men folk get out and push? 19:58:50
- Still waiting for that tow. I get the feeling they called the Auto Club. 20:06:05
- Okay, off the flight and heading for Baggage Claim to find out where they sent my suitcase. I have high hopes for Los Angeles. 20:13:18
- On the shuttle with my suitcase. Thanks for putting up with the tweets of a guy who gets way too bored on planes. 20:35:15
- Mitt says if you want to go to college, borrow from your family. If they can't afford it, borrow from his family. 12:53:12
- I doubt Romney would have killed bin Laden. He might however have acquired Al-Qeada, stripped it of its assets and declared bankruptcy. 20:44:25
- Gingrich to announce Wednesday that he's staying in the presidential race but suspending his marriage. 12:11:12
- The census says only 48% of U.S. households have a husband AND a wife. Gays aren't destroying "traditional marriage." Straights are. 12:14:29
- Today's potatoes are from Circle C Ranch in Hamer, ID. And I'll bet they were packed by a guy named Luke. 20:14:18
- Mitt Romney to potential running mate: "Do you share my positions?" Potential running mate: "Yes. Last Tuesday's and some of Friday's!" 12:48:02
- I am apparently the only person in my neighborhood who's concerned that the crows are getting to be the size of Winnebagos. 14:35:51
- When it rains, the cats in my back yard look at me like I'm responsible. They have me half-convinced I am. 22:45:30
- And over the next two weeks, we get to watch Newt decide that on second thought, Romney would make a great president… 22:46:43
- Those TSA agents didn't accept cash to let drugs through. They were just too busy patting down 90 yr. old ladies to notice. 22:49:57
- My new catchphrase: "That's the biggest waste of money since Sheldon Adelson spent $25 million to get Newt Gingrich elected president!" 10:36:27
- Eventually, you will be able to put any noun in the English language after the word "Google" and have the name of a Google service. 14:42:18
- Here, let's try it: Cheese. Eventually, there will be Google Cheese. #newgoogleservices 14:43:02
- Google Hydrants. Someday soon, there will be Google Hydrants. #newgoogleservices 14:43:59
- Google Testicles. Inevitable. #newgoogleservices 14:44:15
- Goggles. The day will come when you'll own a pair of Google Goggles. #newgoogleservices 14:45:32