Category Archives: Tweets

• At the end of the day, I'm tired of hearing sentences that begin with "At the end of the day…" #
• My new catch phrase: "That's the biggest waste of money since Sheldon Adelson gave Newt Gingrich $10 million to run for president!" #
• Bogus death rumors about Eddie Murphy. Right now, some actor is asking his own P.R. guy, "Why can't you get me that kind of publicity?" #

• Roseanne has announced she's running for president. Hey, don't laugh. She'll get the same number of electoral votes as Rick Santorum. #
• I have a new campaign. I want to take everyone who uses the phrase "throw them under the bus" and throw them under a bus. #
• Comforting to see Mitt Romney and Donald Trump together today. I'd been suspecting they might be the same person. #

• Romney says "I'm not concerned with the very poor." If he wins, we'll have to rewrite that plaque on the Statue of Liberty. #

• Newt says he's a conservative, Romney's liberal. So if Mitt wins the nom, doesn't that prove Republicans are becoming more liberal? #
• I've lost track. Which does Newt now have more of? Delegates or ex-wives? #
• Newt says he's "consolidating conservative support" and he's right: They're all uniting against him. #

• Newt keeps saying he's the heir to Reagan. Someone should ask him, "If you're elected, will you then raise taxes as often as he did?" #
• Everything that's wrong with politics today is embodied in the moments when Newt Gingrich calls Romney a "Massachusetts LIberal." #

• Newt's changed his mind about going to the Moon. He's decided it's too dark at night so he wants to build a colony on the Sun. #
• Newt wants to build a permanent U.S. base on the Moon. Hey, it's not like we don't have money to spend on playing Spaceman. #
• Bill Gates and Warren Buffett want to raise taxes on the super-rich. Shame on them for waging class warfare against themselves. #

• At Whole Foods Market again. Fabio isn't here this time but there are 9 men who look just like him. And 5 women. #
• Newt didn't resign his speakership due to ethics violations. He quit to spend more time leaving his family. #
• Americans would earn more if they weren't all wasting time calculating how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn their annual income. #

• I seem to be the only person in America not delivering a rebuttal to the State of the Union address tonight. #
• Obama should come out tonight and say, "The State of our Union is good…if you're really, really rich. I mean, if you're Romney rich." #
• My pal Roger thinks Mitt's wealth proves he can be entrusted with the U.S. economy. By that logic, so could Larry Flynt. #
• Newt demanded an open marriage. After seeing their options, I think Republicans are going to start demanding an open convention. #

• Fred Thompson endorsed Gingrich. This would be big news if anyone remembered who Fred Thompson is. Even Newt couldn't place the name. #
• 3rd biggest surprise on Mitt Romney's tax form: Due to loophole, only required to file when Halley's Comet is passing Earth. #
• 2nd biggest surprise on Mitt Romney's tax form: Actually owns company that makes flip-flops. #
• Biggest surprise on Mitt Romney's tax form: For some reason, claiming Carrot Top as a dependent. #
• All I care about is that they nominate songs that will lend themselves easily to Billy Crystal parodies. #
• Have to get up early tomorrow AM to see if I got an Oscar nomination — though I may have blown my chances by not working on a movie. #

• Stephen Colbert should demand a recount in South Carolina. And he probably would if he was on the ballot. #
• Newt did okay in South Carolina. Imagine how many votes he'd have gotten if anyone actually liked him. #
• Someone ask Newt, "Does the public have a right to know as much about your sex life as you wanted them to know about Bill Clinton's?" #

• Now I'm in Whole Foods where if you buy a jar of Healthy Planet Whey Protein, you get a photo of yourself with Fabio. If you buy 2 jars… #
• Sitting at the Farmers Market, having a hot turkey sandwich with my pal Mickey Paraskevas, whose name uses up most of my 140 characters. #
• So who do I root for to be the G.O.P. nominee? The guy who'd do the least damage? Or the guy it would be easier for Obama to beat? #

• Uh, if anyone's near the Hollywood sign, I seem to have lost a few things up there. I can't quite describe them… #
• I'm posting this from an Italian restaurant. They're playing Sinatra records. Can you imagine such a thing? #
• Everyone in S.C. who was going to vote for Perry will now vote for Gingrich. Newt must be happy about picking up the nine votes. #

• Okay…but what if someone in South Carolina wants to vote for the real Herman Cain? #
• Wikipedia remains offline. Where can I turn for information of dubious accuracy? Oh, wait. Fox News is still on. #
• Just drove by the Silent Movie Theater and the marquee says "Kill All Redneck Pricks." One of Chaplin"s lesser known films. #
• Wikipedia claims to be offline today. But since it's Wikipedia, you'd better double check that. #

• Went to Five Guys today around 1:00. Almost done with the fries. #
• The 2012 presidential election may turn out to be about how many of us pay a lower tax rate than the Republican nominee. #
• I'm at Costco. They have flu shots here but you have to get them twelve at a time. #
• Today's potatoes are from Clawson Farms, Shelley, ID. #

9 Chuck E. Cheeses in San Francisco have been fined for violating federal child labor laws. Newt says, "That's my kind of place!" — [Follow me on TWITTER]