- Hanging out by the Genius Bar waiting for a Genius… 19:41:31
- The Genius at the Genius Bar was no help. Couldn't trisect an angle for me. 20:43:26
- Wayne LaPierre says the lights at the SuperDome wouldn't have gone out if everyone inside had been armed. 18:42:34
- Someone gave me a $100 gift card for Whole Foods Market and I thought, "Terrific! I always wanted to try a grape!" 16:41:29
- A lot of folks seem to be having a problem with the concept that when fewer people vote your way, you lose the election. 09:32:45
- If Martin Luther King was alive, he would agree with me that it's shameful when people claim that if he was alive, he'd agree with them. 17:56:48
- If I have to listen to one more thing about Lance Armstrong, I may start doping. 21:08:12
- The TSA is getting rid of those scanners that see people naked. I'm going to their garage sale to get one for my house. 21:11:03
- Fox News just renewed Karl Rove's contract. What do you have to do to get fired at that place? Be accurate about Barack Obama? 13:25:22
- Fox News renewed Karl Rove's contract. If I were Dick Morris, I'd predict mine won't be renewed. That would guarantee it would be. 13:28:46
- The U.S. Treasury says it won't mint trillion $ platinum coins to fix the economy. That's OK. I've already made hundreds of them. 14:14:49
- Rep. Greg Walden (R-OR) has a bill to stop the Treasury from minting trillion $ platinum coins. He can stop them but he can't stop me. 10:25:50
- All any of us needs in life is one trillion dollar platinum coin and a very large change machine. 10:28:03
- I made a $100 trillion dollar platinum coin to fix the economy. Accidentally put it in a parking meter so I'm making another one. 10:03:35
- Made another $100 trillion dollar platinum coin. Impulsively left it as a tip for a corned beef sandwich at Canter's Delicatessen. 15:34:14
- Making more $100 trillion dollar platinum coins. You know whose picture is on the $100 trillion dollar platinum coin? Merv Griffin. 16:13:52
- Another great thing about those $100 trillion dollar platinum coins: When you peel off the platinum foil, there's chocolate inside. 19:43:05
- The $100 trillion dollar platinum coin doesn't say "In God We Trust" on it. It says "My God, We Trust." 22:18:51
- Today's potatoes are from: S&C Ranching in Warden, WA. As if I had to tell YOU that. 20:33:37
- Imagine the Fiscal Cliff is a footstool. Then imagine the country is Rob Petrie… 22:32:13
- If you state something clearly, you don't have to repeat yourself. If you state something clearly, you don't have to repeat yourself. 19:39:01
- Never start writing a tweet when you might be intertuppe 19:40:07
- Lost a wad of money last night. When will I learn never to bet on Reindeer Games? 09:49:16
- Do people understand that Wayne LaPierre's only purpose in life is to say things that the NRA knows bring in donation money? 14:02:53