Category Archives: Uncategorized

I had a whole batch of errands to run today…

Stop #1: My ATM. I complete the transaction and head for my car when I suddenly hear my name yelled. A woman I do not recognize runs up to me and begins hugging me and smothering me with kisses. Finally noticing my clueless expression (well, more clueless than usual), she informs me she is Kris, who worked as the second P.A. (i.e., the writers' secretary) on a show I wrote in 1982. She does not blame me for not knowing who she is because not only has so much time passed but she has also changed her hair color, lost sixty pounds and had her nose made smaller and her bustline made bigger. We have a nice conversation and Kris tells me that she hopes to see me again some day. She has more plastic surgery and another hair color adjustment planned so she says she'll make sure and tell me it's her.

Stop #2: Electronics Shop #1. I want to buy a pair of wireless headphones to plug into my new TV set so I stop at a store that should have some. They do not. The salesguy looks at me very strangely…as if there's something very odd about me wanting wireless headphones. I shall have to go elsewhere but before I do, lunch would be nice.

Stop #3: A Small Sandwich Stop. I go in and order a small sandwich. The lady behind the counter gives me the same kind of odd look and I think, "What is it with people today?" She says she'll bring my order to my table. Later, when she does, she summons up the courage to ask me, "Do you know you have lipstick all over your face?" Oh, so that's why the guy at the Electronics Shop looked at me that way.

Stop #4: The Men's Room of the Small Sandwich Shop. A look in the mirror confirms that I am streaked like an Apache in a bad western. Why do they make lipstick that doesn't stick to lips and why does Kris purchase it? She has every right to change her appearance but did she have to change mine? I seem to have also gotten a few big crimson streaks on my shirt so, figuring it's better to be wet than red, I remove the shirt, wash those parts of it, wash my face, put the shirt back on and depart.

Stop #5: A Sav-On Drug Store. I go in and purchase a few items. At the checkout line, the cashier gives me the same odd look. Since I know I don't have lipstick all over my face, I ask her what's so odd. She says, "Your shirt." I look down and realize that I have misbuttoned my shirt. The top button is in the second buttonhole from the top and all the others are off one. It is embarrassing to realize that I am 53 years old and apparently unable to dress myself.

Stop #6: The Men's Room of the Sav-On Drug Store. I discover it's worse than I thought because when I tucked my shirt in back in the Men's Room of the Small Sandwich Shop, I got the shirt tail caught in the zipper of my pants. I zip it down and the shirt gets further ensnarled and then I can't move the zipper up or down. I spend a good five minutes in a toilet stall straining and grunting before I finally disengage shirt from fly. During this, others are coming in to use the urinals outside the stall and I can only imagine what they think is going on in there.

Stop #7: Electronics Shop #2. I ask a salesguy if they carry wireless headphones. This salesguy gives me the same odd look as the salesguy at the first Electronics Shop. I ask this one why he's looking at me that way. He says, "Nobody uses wireless headphones any more." I think from now on, I stay home and order everything through Amazon. Including my small sandwiches.

It has now been one month since I notified the Internet Movie Database that they've given me a credit for something that my friend Earl Kress did. They still have me listed for it.

Glenn Greenwald writes a weblog post that nails what I think is wrong with defenses of the Bush administration's warrantless spying.

This e-mail came to me the other day and I get one very much like it about once a week lately. I thought I'd answer this one in public…

I'm a screenwriter and I've been developing a new science-fiction idea that has comic book overtones. Given that Hollywood seems interested in comic books these days, I thought what I ought to do is to sell my idea as a comic book first. That might make it more appealing to the studios and it would also enable me to copyright the material in my name before entering into negotiations with them, which would give me a more favorable position. Can you recommend any artists or publishers that I can contact to make a comic book come about? And does this sound like a good way to go about marketing my idea?

No, but bad ways sometimes succeed, too. By that I mean that Show Biz is full of flukes and unlikely turns — I call it the Conan O'Brien Rule — and it's possible to go about things via the illogical, unprecedented way and have it turn out well. It's also possible to strike oil if you go out in your back yard in spiked shoes and jump around but it might not be the best investment of your time and energy.

What's wrong with your plan? Well, first off, getting into comic books is not easy. There are a lot of good folks who are interested in doing comics not as loss leaders for movies but because they actually wish to make their careers in that field, and they haven't been able to swing it. For a novice, "breaking in" can be a heckuva lot of work. I'm not sure you want to expend that much effort to establish yourself in a field that you don't really want to be in for very long if you can help it.

Second point: Publishers these days are well aware of the financial benefits of selling a comic book to the movies — that's the only reason some of them are publishing at all — so you probably won't be able to get a deal where you totally control the movie rights. Most likely, getting your idea issued as a comic book will mean taking the publisher on as a partner, and some will not be content to be silent partners. Some, in fact, will insist on controlling those movie rights. That could wind up working for you but it doesn't seem to be what you're after here.

There are two possible exceptions to the above Second Point. One is if you walk into the publisher's office with fabulous credits and contacts in Hollywood. I mean, if Kevin Smith wanted to make the kind of deal you're talking about — and was willing to cut the publisher in on the potential bonanza in films and video games and such — he could swing it. His name would help sell the comic and his clout would help sell the movie. I'm assuming you don't have the rep of a Kevin Smith.

The other possibility is if you're willing and able to deliver a finished comic to the publisher with a very low advance and to take your main compensation as royalties and profits. Assuming the material seemed promising, some company might see a buck to be made (or at least, not lost) in just publishing with maybe a small share of any ancillary income. The problem with this option is that not only would you have to produce the comic for very little up front, you'd have to find an artist who would, too. Probably, you'd need more than one artist: A penciller, an inker, a letterer, a colorist, etc. The profits from most comics these days, if you're not a superstar creator or working on a superstar character, are not huge so it's tough to make the math work for everyone involved. It's doubtful you could offer your collaborators a high enough share to make their gamble seem worth it; not without working some sort of Max Bialystock scam.

All that said, there is something to your idea. A comic book can be a very good sales tool for a movie or TV project. Jack Kirby used to insist that any comic he'd done was a blueprint for a movie, and it's much easier to sell an idea when you can hand someone a blueprint. The trouble is that it's tough to get a good blueprint without being able to pay decent money for an architect.

Did you know that there are companies that sell your cell phone records? That someone can plunk down around a hundred dollars and get a record of every call you've recently made from your cell phone? Take a look.

Hey, guess what I get to do at the WonderCon in San Francisco in a couple of weeks! I get to interview Noel Neill, who played Lois Lane on the George Reeves Superman TV show. I'll be hosting a whole batch of panels and they'll all be fun and interesting, but I'm really looking forward to sitting down with Miss Lane Ms. Neill. (See? I get them confused.) There have been fancier adaptations of comic books, including others of The Man of Steel, with actual budgets. Still, there was something riveting about that series and it had to have been the acting. It certainly wasn't the special effects. Noel Neill was among the folks who made it all work, and I'll be talking to her about that and about her other roles in film and television.

Info on WonderCon can be found here. A full schedule of programming will appear there shortly and I'll be telling you here about the other ones I'm doing.

I tried to watch a little of the Alito confirmation hearing today, which just shows me that I'm not as smart as I think I am…or something like that. Hard to say which of the three was the most boring: The Democratic Senators giving long, pontificating preambles to hardball questions that Alito was not about to answer, the Republican Senators giving long, gushy prefaces to softball questions that he welcomed, or Alito saying nothing of interest in response to either. I always feel these things insult our intelligence by pretending there are open minds where none exist. The Senators all know how they're going to vote, which will be pretty much along party lines. (I saw Orrin Hatch on MSNBC. I think Alito could have confessed to strangling cocker spaniel puppies and Hatch would be saying what a fine, admirable man he was.)

And Alito knows how he's going to vote on most of the important issues that will come before him. I mean, come on. The guy's a judge. Even I have an opinion on Roe versus Wade and I write cartoon shows for a living.

Years ago in a bout of the same masochism that once caused me to eat at a Denny's Restaurant, I watched most of the Clarence Thomas hearings. I don't know why I did it…just hoping for a moment of honest candor that never came. Didn't hear it from the Senators of either party, didn't hear it from the nominee. I still don't know about Anita Hill but she wasn't aspiring to a lofty position in our government so she didn't matter as much. What I think I was waiting for was for some Democrat to say, when it was his time to speak, "Judge Thomas, all this crap about what you said to someone about privacy rights in a law lecture twelve years ago is irrelevant. The president nominated you for this position because he thinks you'll advance his Conservative agenda. I intend to vote against you for precisely that reason. Thank you. I'm done." Ted Kennedy, Joe Biden and all the rest could say that today to Alito but it wouldn't get them as much camera time.

Tonight on IFC (Independent Film Channel), they're running Comicon Chronicles: IFC News Special. I haven't seen it but my TiVo, which never lies to me, describes it thusly: "Comicon Chronicles takes you to the Convention Floor to walk amongst the fans, see the scene through their camera's eyes and reveal the truth under the cartoon." I guess that means lots of shots of people in silly costumes. On my satellite dish, it airs tonight at 9:30 PM and again tomorrow morn at 5:00 AM. If you're on the East Coast, you may need to add three hours to those times.

On January 22 at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, those of us who were privileged to know Hamilton Camp will converge on the Improv in Hollywood for a memorial service and folks will tell stories about how much they loved him. Hamilton was an outstanding actor, folk singer, voiceover artist and human being…and those are not listed in their order of importance.

My pal Vince Waldron is helping assemble a video that will highlight some of Hamilton's many on-camera appearances and help is needed. He needs any good video of the man performing but especially a nice scene from the legendary sitcom, He and She, and footage of Hamilton singing with his old partner, Bob Gibson. The team of Gibson and Camp appeared on a number of music shows of the sixties — probably Hootenanny, maybe Shindig or The Music Scene or one of those. If you can be of assistance, drop Vince a note at ag644@yahoo.com. Obviously, this is for a very good cause…to honor a very good man.

Now that he's mentioned it on his weblog, I guess it's okay to post here that my friend Bob Greenberger has been let go from his editorial position at DC Comics. Bob is one of the good guys and it's sad to see him going through this, even though I have no doubt he'll quickly find another gig. It'll be a big loss for comics if it's in some other field because the industry needs people like him.

As we all know, Pat Robertson is in the news again for saying something stupid and insulting. Question: When is Pat Robertson in the news without saying something stupid and insulting? Would we even know this guy exists if he didn't say something stupid and insulting every few months?

Is it possible that it's all just a "notice me" thing? Someone runs into Robertson's office and says, "Pat! We just did a Nexis search and it seems you haven't been mentioned in any of the major news outlets for six months."

Pat says, "Oh, can't have that. I'd better go out and say something stupid and insulting. Have you got anything?"

And the other guy pulls out some papers and says, "I had the boys draw up some suggestions. The ones marked in red are the ones we're sure will get you in every late night monologue on television."

Pat scans the list. "Hmm…this one about Jews having big noses isn't bad. The one about God smiting Ted Kennedy by enlarging his head is good but it needs more work. And what's this one about Him destroying the NBC prime-time line-up because some of their shows are too permissive? I did something very much like that with Hurricane Katrina."

How about something like…this is just off the top of my head…Ariel Sharon's illness being caused by dividing the Holy Land? No, wait. That's too nasty…"

"Hold on," Pat says. "I think you may be on to something."

Rich Lowry on the Abramoff scandal. You'd never know it from some of the news reporting but it would seem that no Democrat took money directly from Jack Abramoff, whereas plenty of Republicans did. On the other hand, a lot of Democrats took "Abramoff-related money," mostly in the form of campaign donations from companies that were Abramoff clients. That's not quite the same thing but it doesn't mean some Democrats didn't accept money that had a quid pro quo attached.

There are websites that list the financial contributions that our lawmakers and government officials have accepted. I'd like to see one that lists the amounts, the source and all "favors" that were done for that donor. I assume there must be some websites that index this information on a bi-partisan basis but I haven't come across one.

I happen to think that most of the proposals for "campaign finance reform" are so full of loopholes (and sometimes, assaults on my right to support the candidate of my choice) as to be meaningless. Newt Gingrich, who knows a thing or two about ethical violations, is proposing that there be a law against fund-raising events in Washington, D.C. Uh, wouldn't that just mean that they'd move them the four miles to Arlington? The only thing that will stop this kind of thing is if citizens get mad about it and start voting people out of office for conflicts of interest. Right now, we don't seem to care enough to cause someone to lose an election.

Another classic (albeit shabby) Vegas landmark will soon be history. The Stardust opened in 1958 and has been credited as the hotel that did the most to make superstar performers a fixture of the town. Other hotels had them before but the Stardust defined its identity by booking the biggies into its showroom. It was also said for a time to have the most "mob ties," though folks haven't said that for quite a while. Or gone there. Unless one wanted to catch a certain show, I can't think of a single reason you'd venture onto that property and I'm apparently not the only one. After several years of losing money, its owners have announced they'll close the place either later this year or just after New Year's, 2007. It will be torn down and replaced with — what else? — a multi-billion dollar mega-resort. That will come in handy for the people who don't want to walk all the way across the street to get to a multi-billion dollar mega-resort.

I love old Vegas but I find no emotional attachment to places like this in their present state. I walked through the Sands the week before it was demolished and could find nothing to be nostalgic about. (Quick story: They were doing a thriving business there selling souvenirs with the Sands logo on them — t-shirts, fanny packs, etc. I almost bought a Sands mug until I saw the price, which was over $20. Two weeks later — I swear this is true — I found the exact same Sands mugs at the 99-Cent Only store, priced at two for 99 cents.)

The Sands is gone. The Desert Inn, the Hacienda, the original Aladdin and the Landmark are gone. So is the Dunes. The Tropicana and the New Frontier are only awaiting the right deals before they're razed. The Boardwalk and the Westward Ho have closed. The Castaways is being torn down. The Imperial Palace has been sold to folks who have every reason to call in the wrecking ball, the Lady Luck downtown has closed for a year-long makeover…and so on. I miss the era but I don't (or won't) miss a one of those buildings. The Stardust, especially.

For years, the big headline act at the Stardust was Bobby Berosini's Orangutans. You don't see much of Bobby Berosini or his orangutans (he reportedly still has them) these days but once upon a time, they were the hottest act in Vegas and made very good money. That was before 1989 when a dancer in the Lido show secretly videotaped Berosini backstage with his apes, yelling at them and apparently beating them. PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) got involved, the tapes aired on TV, protests mounted and the Stardust dropped Berosini. He made a brief reappearance in a show at the Dunes but has been virtually unemployable since, at least in Las Vegas.

Lawsuits flew and if you try to research them, you'll get a migraine following all the appeals and reversals. Berosini won a $4.2 million dollar judgment against PETA. Then it was reduced to $3.1 million. Then it was reversed altogether and suddenly, he owed them hundreds of thousands of dollars. Then he didn't. Then he did and…well, I lost track. I couldn't even figure out which side to root for. We once had Mr. Berosini on a show I wrote and at least around us, he seemed to treat his animals quite well. I also visited him backstage at the Stardust once and saw him screaming at but not striking his co-stars…but of course, those were just two moments out of many. I'm a big believer in kindness to critters but PETA sometimes strikes me as doing for their cause what Dr. Strangelove did for world peace. So I don't know whether to be happy or sad at the outcome, which is that Bobby Berosini and his anthropoids no longer play Vegas. It was a funny act, though.

Backstage at the Stardust, by the way, looked nothing like it did in the movie, Showgirls. I once watched that movie at a party with a bunch of Vegas dancers and they howled at the turgid dialogue and plot situations…and especially at the fancy dressing rooms. When they saw Gina Gershon's, one former Lido dancer said, "The entire company had to dress in one room that size…and that included the orangutans."

Contrary to what I predicted in this post two years ago, The Phantom of the Opera has now passed Cats as the longest-running show in Broadway history. Back when Cats took the trophy away from A Chorus Line, there was much wailing and weeping in the theatrical community. Even folks who didn't like Chorus Line felt it was way more deserving than Cats. There was the feeling in some circles that for the feline-themed musical to have that distinction said something unflattering about Broadway or about the standards of Broadway.

I don't know that it does. It might say something about more effective marketing or advertising or discount ticket promotions. It might also be significant that none of the shows in the Top Ten were really star-dependent and therefore subject to dips when certain performers departed. I mean, the original production of The Music Man ran 1,375 performances. If Robert Preston had been willing to remain in it for twenty years, it probably would have run twenty years. For reference, here's the Top Seventeen…

1. The Phantom of the Opera (7,487 performances)
2. Cats (7,485 performances)
3. Les Misérables (6,680 performances)
4. A Chorus Line (6,137 performances)
5. Oh! Calcutta! (Revival) (5,959 performances)
6. Beauty and the Beast (4,818 performances)
7. Miss Saigon (4,097 performances)
8. Rent (4,051 performances)
9. Chicago (Revival) (3,804 performances)
10. 42nd Street (3,486 performances)
11. The Lion King (3,436 performances)
12. Grease (3,388 performances)
13. Fiddler on the Roof (3,242 performances)
14. Life With Father (3,224 performances)
15. Tobacco Road (3,182 performances)
16. Hello, Dolly! (2,844 performances)
17. My Fair Lady (2,717 performances)

Phantom will have its title for a long time. No one expects it to close soon and whenever that day comes, it's unlikely that Beauty and the Beast, which is the next show on that list still running, will be running six and a half a years after that. Which is what it would take to snatch the title away. Nor will Rent, the revival of Chicago or The Lion King — the other shows on this list that are still racking up performances — probably hang around that long.

If I had to guess, I'd bet that Chicago would have the best shot at toppling Phantom but that's unlikely. Let's imagine Phantom runs three more years, which is a reasonable prediction, I think. Not only would Chicago have to also stay open for those three years but it would then have to run until around Christmas of 2017 to move into first place. The Producers, which has had around 1,968 performances, would have to run until April of 2025. So for the rest of our lives, Phantom of the Opera may be the longest-running show in Broadway history. I wish I knew more than a few people who liked it.

He doesn't seem to need them but we're sending "get well" wishes anyway to the Amazing Carl Ballantine, a great comic actor and the uncontested king of funny magic. Carl was recently hospitalized and a few Internet forums erupted with dire word about his health. What's the matter with you people? The guy's only 83 years old, after all. It's not like he's an old man. (And I'm only half-kidding. I have lunch with Carl every so often. Wish I had half his energy.) They slapped some sort of pacemaker in him the other day and sent him right home. That's where he is right now, figuring out when he can next get to the racetrack or to his favorite dining establishment, In-n-Out Burger.

Carl's one of the most wonderful comic talents I've ever had the honor to work with. I hired him a couple times to do voices on the Garfield cartoon show and boy, did he make me look like I knew what I was doing. Everyone adored him. I wish he was on television more often because there's no one who's funnier.