Flavor Flave

May 8, 2008 on this blog, we said goodbye to Mr. Robbins of "Baskin-Robbins" and I rambled on about a food I no longer eat…

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Irvine Robbins, co-founder of the Baskin-Robbins ice cream dynasty, passed away the other day. I gave up ice cream many years ago but retained an inexplicable fondness for the history and trivia of that business. For instance, did you know that Banana Nut was the favorite flavor of Howard Hughes? That once, when Banana Nut had fallen out of the Baskin-Robbins flavor rotation, Hughes's staff paid the company a fortune to make up a special batch, rather than go tell Mr. Hughes that he couldn't have his favorite ice cream?

One obit on Mr. Robbins listed the original 31 flavors offered in his stores. They were…

I look at that list and I think, "Y'know, they could have just left it that way forever." They could even have gotten rid of about 25 of them. I'm not particularly adventuresome when it comes to new flavors. I go into a restaurant where I've previously had a terrific meal and my first instinct is to order the same thing again…something I know I'll like. In all my years of going to Baskin-Robbins, I probably tried about a dozen different flavors, most of which were some different combination of Chocolate and Vanilla. If their entire selection had consisted of those two flavors plus Orange and Lemon Sherbet, I don't think they'd have gotten any less of my business.

I remember for a while ordering something called Chocolate Mousse Royale and occasionally throwing caution to the breezes and opting for French Vanilla over Vanilla. These were just Chocolate and Vanilla on steroids. In my more madcap, impetuous moments, I might even go for Chocolate Chocolate Chip…and for a few visits there, I chose something that was vanilla ice cream with a chocolate ribbon and little chunks of peanut butter. Oh, yeah — and once I think I had a scoop of Strawberry but I hedged my bet and made it half of a two-scoop parlay with Vanilla. My most frequent two-scoop selection was Orange Sherbet and Vanilla — and remembering an old Peanuts strip, I always asked that the Orange be on top so it would drip down and flavor the Vanilla instead of the other way around, and I'd have the Vanilla aftertaste.

It's not that I don't like to gamble. I just think that when you gamble, you ought to have a shot at a real upside. Imagine if you had a choice of putting your dough into one of two slot machines. One, you know will pay off with a nice jackpot. The other might pay off the same or a few cents more but it also might not pay off at all. Which one would you pick? Well, that's the way I feel in a place like Baskin-Robbins. I know the Chocolate Chip will be terrific. Another, heretofore unsampled flavor might be a teensy bit better but I might also not like it, which I would realize at first lick, whereupon I'd be stuck with a whole cone or dish of the stuff. So why not play it safe? It's not like the new flavor might cure acne or attract supermodels to you. It can't be so much better than the Chocolate Chip that it warrants the risk.

So Mr. Robbins, while I appreciate all those extra choices you offered and all the inventive alchemy your laboratory concocted, I would have been perfectly satisfied with Chocolate, Vanilla, Orange Sherbet, Lemon Sherbet, Strawberry, and some chocolate/vanilla combo like Chocolate Chip. All of them are on the above list so you had me from Day One.

The Day After

On 11/29/08 — two days after Thanksgiving — I posted the following here. The only update I have is that the Boston Market in which this tale took place is no longer there. You may be able to figure out why…

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Yesterday afternoon around 2:30, I had an urgent need to get something edible and quick. I was in a neighborhood containing two of my favorite places to do this but both, darn it, had decided to close for the day after Thanksgiving. So I wound up at a Boston Market, which is a chain that usually serves me adequately in such situations. Only problem: This Boston Market was out of much of its menu due to a Thanksgiving Day rush — a fact that was lost on an elderly gent who was ahead of me in line. It went roughly like this…

ELDERLY GENT: I'd like the turkey dinner, please.

COUNTERPERSON: I'm sorry…we had a big crowd in here yesterday and we're out of turkey and most of our entrees. We only have chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: No turkey dinners?

COUNTERPERSON: No, I'm afraid not, sir. Just chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: In that case, I'll have a turkey sandwich.

COUNTERPERSON: I'm sorry…we have no turkey. Just chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: No turkey sandwiches either, huh? Well, how about a turkey-ham combo plate?

COUNTERPERSON: I'm sorry…we have no turkey and we have no ham.

ELDERLY GENT: Now you're out of ham, too?

COUNTERPERSON: Yes, we're out of ham. We're out of everything except chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: The sign here says "Now serving Virginia Ham."

COUNTERPERSON: That's when we have it. We're all out of it at the moment.

ELDERLY GENT: And you're all out of turkey, too? When will you have more? Can I wait?

COUNTERPERSON: We're not going to have any more today. I don't think we'll have any more until Monday. All we'll have until we get another delivery is chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: Monday, huh? How could you be out of turkey? It's the day after Thanksgiving. Everyone has turkey around.

COUNTERPERSON: We don't, I'm sorry. Only chicken and meat loaf.

ELDERLY GENT: All right then. I'll have the Roasted Sirloin.

After another six or seven hours of this, the man finally grasped enough of the concept to order a rotisserie chicken. I stepped up and said in a snappy and efficient manner, "Meat loaf dinner with mashed potatoes and chicken noodle soup, no beverage." The Counterperson breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't ordered turkey and quickly ran up my order. Five minutes later, it was all on a tray except I didn't have a spoon…

COUNTERPERSON: Sorry, we're out of spoons.

ME: Out of spoons? You're serving soup and you're out of spoons?

COUNTERPERSON: We have soup. We have plenty of soup. We just don't have any spoons.

ME: Shouldn't you tell people that before they order soup?

COUNTERPERSON: We didn't say we had spoons.

ME: Isn't that kind of implied? I mean, if you're selling soup, isn't it a reasonable assumption on the customer's part that you can get a spoon with it?

And from behind me, where he was still waiting for his rotisserie chicken, the Elderly Gent said, "Don't waste your time talking to him. It's the day after Thanksgiving and he wouldn't even give me a turkey sandwich."

A Horrifying Economic Indicator

This is from 4/28/08. It's about the bargain shrimp cocktail as the Golden Gate Casino in Las Vegas. Read the piece and then I'll be back after it to tell you its current price…

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In 1959, the Golden Gate hotel in downtown Las Vegas began offering a shrimp cocktail for a paltry fifty cents. That was a tremendous bargain. Fifteen years ago, they raised its price to a buck and it was still a tremendous bargain…a loss leader, of course. Like anything free or cheap in Vegas, you have to walk to the back of the casino to claim it, passing hundreds of slot machines and table games. They may lose a few quarters on the freebee or bargain but they know enough people will be enticed to play a little — which means enticed to lose some money — on the way in or out. They'll more than make back whatever they lose on the shrimp.

But oddly enough, it's never been the best bargain at the Golden Gate. The shrimp cocktail of which I write comes in a tulip-style dish and they stick a little shredded lettuce in the bottom, then fill the glass with tiny bay shrimp. Then the server ladles a big glump of cocktail sauce onto it unless, like me, you ask them not to. I find theirs too spicy so I ask for just a tiny amount. Actually, more often, I order their other shrimp cocktail, the one few people ever buy. They call it the Big Shrimp Cocktail and it has much larger, tastier prawns. An approximation of it in a good seafood house would set you back at least ten, maybe fifteen bucks. Last time I was at the Golden Gate, it was $2.95.

And like I said, very few people buy it. Because the whole point of going in there is not to get good shrimp. It's to get shrimp for a dollar. The outrageous bargain is the appeal, not the shellfish. This is why Vegas visitors around the world are being shocked to hear that the cheapo shrimp cocktail at the Golden Gate has just doubled its price.

That's right. It's now $1.99. You want proof the economy is in trouble? Look no further.

In truth, it's not quite that bad. If you sign up for the Golden Gate's slot card club, you can still get your shrimp for a dollar…but how long do we think that will last? It's obviously a way to ease the new price tag into place. A few months from now, the members' price will be $1.49 and it'll still seem like a deal. Then, one chilling day, it'll be two bucks for everyone. (No word yet on the Big Shrimp Cocktail but I'm guessing it's four bucks now or soon will be.)

I guess at two bucks, the basic shrimp cocktail is still an outrageous bargain. Still, there's something sad about the increase…sad, the same way it's sad when they tear down an old, classic hotel. The Golden Gate, by the way, is not an old, classic hotel, just an old one. It evolved out of the Hotel Nevada, which was built on that location in 1906. The Hotel Nevada actually had the first phone number in the state. The number was 1.

In 1931, when gambling was legalized in the state, the Hotel Nevada expanded and was renamed Sal Sagev, which someone thought was a cute name, it being "Las Vegas" spelled backwards. I don't know why anyone would want to stay at someplace called the Sal Sagev but people did…until 1955 when a change of ownership brought in a San Francisco-based company and the new name. I gather the building has not changed an awful lot since those days. It's a rather dreary place with nothing to recommend it but the shrimp. If they closed it down tomorrow, that's the only thing people would miss.

Which is probably why they've kept it so long and why, until someone gets the "bright" idea to gut and rebuild the place, they'll always have a shrimp cocktail at an astonishingly low price. It's just sad that it's not quite as astonishing as it used to be. Almost nothing in Vegas is, these days.\

Okay, I'm back. Here's your update. Not long after this piece ran, the Golden Gate underwent a major facelift and as part of the makeover, they closed the snack bar where the classic cheapo shrimp cocktail was served. But they also opened a 24/7 outlet of Du-Par's Coffee Shop, a popular chain in Southern California. And at Du-Par's, you can still get what I hear is the exact same shrimp cocktail…for $3.99. I don't think they have the larger, better one.

Spots Before My Eyes

This first saw the light of this blog on 3/24/08 and I don't have much to add to it. In fact, I have nothing…

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Shortly before Christmas of 1960, my mother entered and won a contest at the Robinson's Department Store in Westwood. It was one of those contests where it was hard to not win — hundreds did — and what she won was an invitation to bring her child (i.e., me) to a Special Disney Preview of a forthcoming movie called 101 Dalmatians.

It took place on a Saturday morning at the Ambassador Hotel near downtown Los Angeles. We reported at the assigned hour, checked in and were herded like cattle (or worse, Magic Kingdom visitors) into separate ballrooms. My mother was held captive, more or less, in a presentation for parents. They were served adult-type food and subjected to what I gather was an extended commercial for going to Disney movies, buying Disney toys for the kids, taking them to Disneyland, watching Disney TV shows, etc. The gist of it was that you weren't a good raiser of children if you denied your offspring any part of the total Disney experience. A decade or two later while visiting Las Vegas, she and my father got roped into one of those scams where in exchange for allegedly free show tickets, they had to sit through a hard sell pitch to buy time share condos, and were almost forbidden to leave without doing so. When she got home, she said it reminded her of that Disney gathering.

Meanwhile back at the Ambassador, I was taken into the other ballroom, the one for kids, which was decorated as if for a child's birthday party. There were dozens of little tables and I was stuck at one with a bunch of other eight-year-olds I didn't know and didn't particularly want to know, and we were served hot dogs and potato chips and ice cream and cake. Some of this was eaten but most of it was thrown around or up. Disney cartoons were run and there was, of course, an extended preview for 101 Dalmatians along with training on how to properly throw a tantrum if our parents did not take us to see it again and again and again and buy us every last bit of 101 Dalmatians merchandise.

There was also a live show. A woman dressed as a fairy princess of some sort sang Disney songs and then Clarence "Ducky" Nash performed with his Donald Duck puppet. I didn't understand a word he said in either voice but I knew enough to know he was the man who spoke for Donald, and it was thrilling to see him in person. There was also a Disney cartoonist — the "Big Mooseketeer" Roy Williams, I think — doing charcoal drawings of Mickey and the gang right before our eyes. I liked that part a lot.

At the end, before we and our respective parents were released from Disney custody and reunited, there was a drawing for prizes where everyone present was destined to win something. I wanted one of the charcoal sketches but had to settle for a 78 RPM Little Golden Record that featured two songs from 101 Dalmatians. One side had the movie's best tune, "Cruella De Vil." The other side had a title song that was very catchy and very bouncy and in the weeks that followed, I played it often on my little phonograph. The ending went…

Picture one hundred and one mischievious creations
One hundred and one puppy birthday celebrations
One hundred and one, that's a lot of doggy rations
One Hundred and One Dalmatians!

To my surprise when I made my parents take me to see the movie, that song was nowhere to be heard. It was not on the LP soundtrack of the movie, either. Throughout the sixties, long after I'd lost or broken my Little Golden Record I had that tune running through my head but could not find a copy of it to save my life. I couldn't even find any evidence that it had ever existed. Around 1970, when I began to meet Disney scholars and asked about it, none of them had ever heard of it. One told me I'd obviously made it up. "I didn't make up those lyrics when I was eight years old," I replied.

One day last year, I lunched with Greg Ehrbar, co-author (with Tim Hollis) of Mouse Tracks: The Story of Walt Disney Records, the exhaustive book on the topic, and I thought to ask him about it. He knew of the song and thought it had been written by the team of Mr. Disney's favorite tunesmiths, Richard and Robert Sherman. When he told me this, I felt like more of a ninny than even usual because I know Richard Sherman. For some reason — a lot of mutual friends, I guess, plus the fact that we're both members of the Magic Castle — I run into him at least once a month somewhere. I could have asked him about it years ago!

I did, the next time we were together and he was quite amazed that I knew those lyrics and could sing them, albeit poorly, from memory and from when I was eight. He was also quite flattered (who wouldn't be?) and he told me the story of its creation and omission. Basically, Mr. D. came to them. They were new in his operation, this being before Mary Poppins or The Parent Trap or all those great songs they wrote for Disneyland attractions. The Great and Powerful Walt suddenly decided 101 Dalmatians needed a bouncy title song and they whipped one up which everyone liked but which they couldn't find room for in the movie. That Little Golden Record I won was apparently arranged before the movie was locked, at a time it was still believed the tune would get in. That it didn't was allegedly because some other high-ranked Disney official (not Walt) lobbied successfully for its exclusion.

Before I could ask my next question — where the hell do I find a copy? — Richard told me he thought it was being included among a bevy of "cut songs" on the new, then-forthcoming two-disc DVD release of 101 Dalmatians. I was delighted and a few weeks ago, while Costcoing, I picked one up and came home, gleefully anticipating being able to, at long last, hear this song I've had running through my brain since 1961 and last heard around then.

Well, guess what. It's not on the DVD. It's a great DVD, of course, and here's a link if you don't plan on doing any of your own Costcoing soon and you wish to order one. It does have some omitted tunes among its many and splendid special features but the song of my obsession is not among them.

It turns out that a stereo remake of The Song (very nice but not the original) is reportedly on a special 101 Dalmatians CD that you get if you purchase the DVD from WalMart.

So am I forever frustrated in my yearning to again hear the original? Happily, no. Through other means, I finally got my hands and ears on a copy just this last weekend, plus someone sent me a link to an online excerpt that I think is/was part of an Amazon sample. It's not a fabulous song but I've had it caroming around inside my skull since around '62 or '63 or whenever I lost/broke that Little Golden Record, and I missed the one or two places it's appeared since then. This is satisfying to me in a way that cannot possibly mean as much to you. I'm also delighted that my memory of the lyrics was dead-on accurate all these years. So I'll close this by offering you the last thirty seconds of the record, the 45 year itch that I was finally able to scratch. Hope it doesn't haunt you as long as it's haunted me…

About Residuals

I first posted this on November 5, 2007 when the Writers Guild was in the midst of a very long and nasty strike. It quickly became one of the five-or-so most-read and linked-to posts ever on this site. It's about residuals, a concept which often seems alien to folks who work in professions where there are none, nor are they appropriate.

In fact, I often find myself having to explain to people in other lines of work how my job is so very, very different from theirs. I do not mean better. I mean different. In recent years when certain comic book creators or their offspring have taken legal action to claim a share of Dad's work, there's always some guy on the 'net who sells aluminum siding for a living who tries to parse the lawsuit in terms of his own job and say, "Hey, they got paid for creating Superman! Why should anybody get a nickel more later? I don't when I sell aluminum siding!" Someone then has to patiently explain to this person that selling aluminum siding is not analogous to creating Superman. They don't reprint your aluminum siding over and over, they don't make movies about your aluminum siding, they don't sell model kits of your aluminum siding, etc.

I received the e-mail you're about to read and tried to explain why we get residuals. Based on how often this piece has been read and copied, I wish I'd gotten residuals on it…

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Dave Bittner sends a question which others have asked in various forms and which piggybacks on my previous posting…

There's a fundamental aspect of this whole writers strike that puzzles me, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one. How did the whole residuals system start, and become the standard of what's considered "fair" in Hollywood? In most other industries, even creative ones, a person gets paid for doing a job, and that's it. There's no expectation of ongoing payments. If I sell my house, for example, I don't send a check to the original architect, even though his design work contributes to the ongoing value of the property.

No, but if a Harry Potter book goes into another printing, J.K. Rowling gets another check. I disagree with you that ongoing payments are not the norm in creative industries. I get payments if an issue of some comic book I wrote in the seventies is reprinted. I get payments if a song I wrote in the eighties gets played again. It is a generally-established principle that if you create something that has an ongoing value — particularly if its reuse competes with new product — additional compensation is appropriate. This is not to say it's always paid. Comic books, for a long time, didn't pay for reprints. A lot of animation work still doesn't pay for reruns. But that's because of the way the financial structure of those fields developed, with creative folks placed at an economic disadvantage and not having the clout to get reuse fees. I don't think it's because they don't deserve them.

Residuals exist for a couple of reasons. One is that they are deferred compensation. Let's say you want to hire me to write your TV special and there's no WGA and no residuals and we're negotiating out in the wild. I suggest $10,000 would be a rational price. You were thinking more like $5,000. I point out to you that this is likely to be a great show that will rerun for many years to come and that you'll be able to sell it again and again and again. If we could be certain it would be, ten grand to me wouldn't seem unfair but as you point out, we can't be sure that it will have all those resales. So how do we resolve this?

Simple. We invent residuals. We agree that I'll write the show for $5000 or maybe even a little less, and that I'll receive another $5000 if you can sell it for a second run and then maybe $2000 if there's a third run and $1000 for a fourth and so on. The reuse fees are not a gift to me. They're part of the deal…and by the way, this is not all that hypothetical a scenario. I've made deals with this kind of structure for animation projects where the WGA did not have jurisdiction. Even some pretty stingy cartoon producers were glad to make them because it lessened their initial investments to have me, in effect, share a little of the risk.

(A quick aside: The other day, I was talking to Lee Mendelson, who produced all the Peanuts specials. He's making a new deal for the early ones, including A Charlie Brown Christmas, which is probably the most often-rerun TV show ever produced. Every time he sells it again, he gets paid again, often at rates comparable to what a newly-produced cartoon special would cost. The thing has made millions and millions of dollars each decade since it was produced and it continues to earn. Would someone like to look me in the eye and tell me Charles Schulz never deserved a nickel after the first run? Lee sure wouldn't make that argument.)

That's a very mature, honest way of doing business. What wouldn't be honest is if we made our deal as per the above and then you did the following. You say, "Wait a minute! I don't pay my plumber every time I flush my toilet," (a famous quote from a studio exec fighting the concept of residuals) and you try to lop off the back-end payments and just pay me the initial $5000 or so. No. The $5000 wasn't my fee for writing the show. It was more like a down payment. I wouldn't have done it for $5000 without the other part of the contract. But every so often in Hollywood, some exec gets the idea that they can maximize profits by reneging on the back end of their deals, and we have these silly, periodic battles over residuals.

Anyway, all of the above is one rationale for reuse payments. Another is a tradition — not in every circle but some — that creative folks share when their work has ongoing value. The reason we have a Patent Office in this country is that we wanted to encourage people to invent new ideas and that means giving them a structure through which they can cash in on their brainstorms and not be excluded from the ongoing exploitation of them. Residuals are one way that writers and artists avoid being excluded.

Yet another is that they are compensated when the lasting value of their work preempts new production. A situation which has occurred quite often in the cartoon business is this: You're hired to do a show and you really do a fine job on it. Everyone does. You get 40 or 65 episodes done and they're so good that when they rerun, kids are eager to see them again and again and so the ratings don't go down much. At some point, the studio says, "Hey! These shows are so strong, we don't have to spring for the cost of any more. We can just run these over and over forever!"

And they lay everyone off.

You're out of a job because you did it so well. This has happened many times and it continues to happen. Reruns narrow our opportunities to work on new product.

So if I'm writing a new show…well, I don't want to sit there and think, "Hmm, I don't want to put myself out of work. I'd better not do too good a job on this." That's not healthy for my soul and it sure isn't the ideal situation for my employer. It's far better for all of us if I have that incentive to make the show as big a hit as possible. That means I have to have an ongoing financial interest if the show turns out to have an ongoing financial value. I won't mind getting laid off if I'm sharing. I will mind if all I've done by contributing to a success is put myself out of business.

There's a lot more I could write about this but I have to get a comic book written this morning and then go picket this afternoon so this will have to do for now. The last thing I'll add is that I've been a professional writer since 1969. I've written comics and cartoons and live-action shows and screenplays and songs and stand-up comedy and commercials and books and magazine articles and…well, you name it. Sometimes, I've been excluded from the ongoing value, if any, of my work. Sometimes, I haven't. The healthiest business relationships I've had have been those where I had residuals or royalties or some other financial participation beyond my up-front paycheck — and I mean healthy for me and for the entity that was issuing those checks. Inclusion is a very wise thing for All Concerned. It puts you all on the same team, working for the same goal.

In all those creative fields, I've never encountered any employer or producer or publisher who thought I, or others doing my job, didn't deserve that continuing share. I've met a number who thought they could get by without paying it and sometimes, they can. But since they get paid for the rerun of the TV show or the resale of the movie or whatever, they certainly understand and embrace the concept of getting paid when a piece of work has enduring value. It's just that some of them want to keep it all for themselves.

Hare Transplant

This is a rerun from 9/9/04. Nothing to add today…

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I was in the hospital when it was announced that Universal and Disney had concluded a deal that would send sportscaster Al Michaels to NBC while Disney would reacquire title to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. For those of you unfamiliar with the history or confused by some of the newspaper accounts, I'll run through it for you as briskly as possible…

In 1927, Walt Disney's business was making animated cartoons of Oswald which were distributed by Universal Pictures. A gent named Charlie Mintz was the money man and go-between. When the cartoons became successful, Walt went to New York to attempt to negotiate a new contract with Mintz at a higher fee. Instead, Mintz offered him a worse deal. What's more, Mintz informed him that he had quietly signed contracts with most of Walt's key artists — pretty much everyone except Ub Iwerks — and that Universal owned Oswald. If Walt did not accept the new terms, Mintz would set up a new studio with those artists and make the Oswald cartoons without him.

Walt did not accept the new terms. He headed back to Hollywood and, legend has it, created his replacement character on the train home. Soon, the Charles Mintz Studio was making Oswald cartoons while Walt and Ub launched the new Disney star, Mickey Mouse. It is said that Walt never quite got over the shock of losing Oswald and he also learned a valuable business lesson. Thereafter, he refused all deals that might have diluted or endangered his title to studio creations, including The Mouse. Eventually, of course, Mickey was the hottest cartoon character of all time, dwarfing the popularity of Oswald, so there was some nice revenge there. Walt got a little more when Universal later dumped Mintz and handed Oswald over to Walter Lantz…and now, with the swap for Al Michaels, the justice is more or less complete.

What interests me here is that Oswald the Rabbit has a current value in spite of over fifty years of the character's owner being utterly indifferent about the bunny. The character's popularity declined throughout the thirties and in spite of a couple of complete redesigns. In 1943, Lantz stopped making Oswald cartoons altogether, preferring to focus on his other stars, including Andy Panda and Woody Woodpecker. Around this time, Lantz acquired ownership of Oswald but decades later, he sold his entire studio to Universal so they got him back. They didn't do anything with him, either. He was just a character in their merchandising catalog. When toy companies came to license Woody for some piece of merchandise, Oswald usually got tossed into the deal for nothing.

The old Oswald cartoons were rarely shown on television so for a decade or two, the only exposure the character got was in the pages of Dell Comics produced by Western Publishing. Lantz had a close relationship with Western and basically told them they could do anything they wanted with the rabbit and he would adjust his merchandising model sheets to match. As a result, he went through several more redesigns, eventually becoming a rather serious father type with two nephews, Floyd and Lloyd. It was pretty much the same relationship Mickey Mouse had with Morty and Ferdy, or that Donald Duck had with Huey, Dewey and Louie, also in Western Publishing/Dell Comics. In fact, quite a few of the scripts for the Oswald comics were revamped Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck scripts. None of the writers were too enthused over working with Oswald, so the editors would commission extra Mickey and Donald scripts and then change the names and (if necessary) the number of nephews. It was always one of their lowest-selling books.

Oswald pretty much disappeared even from the comic books in the sixties. Western had decided to give up on him before 11/22/63 but after that date, the notoriety of assassin Lee Harvey Oswald reinforced the decision. One of the editors there told me years later, "All the character was was a good name, and suddenly that name wasn't as good as before." Lantz occasionally asked Western to stick an Oswald story in the Woody Woodpecker comic book just for trademark reasons and to demonstrate that the character was still active. After Woody's comic book ended in the seventies, they didn't even have that.

So it's amazing that Oswald still has a following today. It's mostly in Japan where merchandise that harks back to the original Disney design is extremely popular…but somehow Oswald has endured and proven commercial enough that Disney wanted him back. Talk about your lucky rabbits.

My Favorite Funnymen

Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, of course. A few years ago here, I highly recommended a ten-DVD set containing most (not all) of the talkies they made for the Hal Roach Studio between 1929 and 1940. It's not complete but it's full of great stuff and most of the video is of high quality, plus there are some wonderful special features. For example, it includes the "foreign" versions they made of some of their movies.

So why am I plugging it again? Because Amazon has slashed the price on it. It was around a hundred bucks and it was a bargain at that price. For a limited time — note that term: limited time — it's $42.49. Here's a link to order it and if I were you, I wouldn't delay. I've played the heck out of my copy.

Carlotta Monti

Here's a post from December 29, 2003 about meeting Carlotta Monti, who lived for years with W.C. Fields. Reading it over now, I'm surprised I didn't include one line from her boy friend that she related to me. It was at a time when Fields was having trouble getting work and his agent told him one day he had to play the Hollywood game more. "Go play golf with Jack L. Warner," the agent advised. Fields fired back — and you have to imagine this in his voice and cadence — "When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own!" I don't know why I left that out but here's what I put in…

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I mentioned meeting Carlotta Monti the other day and a reader made me promise I'd tell how that happened and all that I recalled. It was around 1974, a period when I often found myself in Westwood Village, right outside the U.C.L.A. campus. My Aunt Dot was donating two days a week as a saleslady at the United Nations Gift Shop, which was a charity enterprise that sold globes and flags and little sculptures that you'd never want in your house. When I was in the area, I'd drop in and say howdy to Aunt Dot and one day, she introduced me to another of the women who volunteered their time in the store. When she said, "This is Carlotta Monti," little bells went off in my head and I thought, "Hey, I think this is the lady who was W.C. Fields' mistress." She seemed about the right age (just shy of 70) but I wasn't sure enough to say anything other than, "Oh, I certainly know of you." Matter of fact, I think I changed the subject swiftly and awkwardly and hurried off. Once home, I consulted her autobiography, W.C. Fields and Me and, sure enough, it was the same lady.

I checked with Aunt Dot to find out when Ms. Monti would be there again and took the book up to get it signed. We wound up going to a shop down the street for cola and coffee, and I could see that Ms. Monti was thrilled to have a new audience for her tales of "Woody," as she called him. The way she pronounced it, it rhymed with "moody" and no, I have no idea where the nickname came from. She was proud of the book and upset that "certain people" who knew Fields or defended his memory felt she'd exploited her relationship with him. These "certain people" (unnamed) were also upset that she had sold or was about to sell the film rights…and I recall thinking to myself, "That's one movie that will never get made." Two years later, it was. Filmdom would have been much better off if I'd been right.

She kept coming back to the fact that she was being criticized for writing about her life. Her side of it, which did not surprise me and which I am not suggesting was at all wrong, was that she'd given "the best years" of her life to Fields and received precious little. So selling her life story was her inheritance, and "Woody" would have wanted her to be comfortable in her old age. She said she had plenty more stories…enough to fill several more books, but would have to wait a few years before embarking on one.

I asked her to tell me one of these stories and she mulled several possibilities before telling of an aging prostitute Fields knew. She wasn't sure if "Woody" had ever been a patron but they were friends, and Fields was always trying to find a way to throw her a few bucks since she was too old to get much work in her main occupation. There's a tale that makes the rounds about some guy who's in the hospital, attended by nurses and/or nuns and one day, one comes in, locks the door and begins ripping off her clothes and performing sex acts on his person. This of course shocks the patient who is unaware the nun (or nurse) is a hooker that his friends have hired for this treat/trick. Well, according to Ms. Monti, Fields's friend specialized in such missions and owned all the necessary costuming. Now that she was older, he occasionally hired her for non-carnal nun impersonation. He'd arrange for her to be in some restaurant or other public place when he was with some pals and he'd start verbally abusing this nun and saying foul, vulgar things to her. This would horrify Fields' friends who would try to shut him up but he would persist…until finally, the "nun" would start firing back with even better obscenities, and Fields' cronies would realize they'd been had. According to Ms. Monti, "Woody" loved the reactions.

The other main thing I recall beyond the talk about him wanting to play Scrooge was that she felt Fields's last few years had been squandered by Hollywood. He'd had a bad check-up and from that point on, no studio wanted to start a movie with him in the lead. He was in constant demand for short cameos but many offers fell through and some of what he did film was never released. She made the comment that he might have lived longer if the business hadn't decided prematurely that he was dying.

She didn't have a lot of time that day so we agreed to get together again for a longer chat but never did. And though she lived almost two decades after our chat, she never wrote that second book. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with her because…well, how often do you get to talk to someone who slept with W.C. Fields? These days, hardly ever.

What's Up These Days With Charles Grodin?

Ian Parker reports on what's up these days with Charles Grodin, one of my favorite actors and also one of my favorite talk shows guests back when he used to guest on talk shows. And hey, this might be a good place for…

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For this, we go back to June 9, 2002, back when Mr. Grodin had a new book out. I still recommend that wanna-be actors read his autobiography, which you can find used copies of on Amazon for the bargain price of one cent plus postage. (Obviously, they make their money by padding postage charges.) But I also recommend they read what I quote below, what he said in his follow-up book about what he'd said in the autobiography…


I've always been a big fan of Charles Grodin as an actor, an author and especially as a participant in talk shows, including the one he hosted for a few years on MSNBC and CNBC. He tends to be very sarcastic, very candid and confrontational in a funny, as opposed to hostile, way. When he's been on with Leno and Letterman — and before that, with Carson — it has usually resulted in the all-too-rare interview that doesn't sound like both parties are reading it all off TelePrompters. He's also written several books, the best of which was his first — a basic but fun autobiography entitled, It Would Be So Nice If You Weren't Here.

Subsequent books have suggested that Mr. Grodin said almost everything he had to say in It Would Be So Nice…, but there are moments in each that make them worth a read. His third — We're Ready For You, Mr. Grodin — contained several points of interest, not the least of which was a section in which he said he'd been too modest in the autobiography. He wrote…

I get the impression that most of the people in show business who read it take it as an inspiration to continue. The rationale is, "Look how much rejection Charles Grodin dealt with." While I'm pleased the book inspires people, I meant it just as much as a warning. I do say in there that you don't want to spend ten years in this profession and end up nowhere but ten years older. I say that even if you're not publicly recognized, there must be plenty of signs along the way that you're really good to encourage you to keep going. I did have a lot of praise in my unrecognized years, but I found it awkward putting all my compliments down on paper.

I found that refreshingly honest. As I wrote in an article posted here entitled The Speech, I think too much false hope is sometimes given to neophytes; that it does them a disservice to tell them that if they keep at it and don't give up, they will eventually get everything they want. Well, no. Very few people who enter show biz ever get the kind of career they seek and most do not support themselves at all. Dreams should not be dashed but people should be reminded that there are no guarantees; that it isn't the dumbest thing in the world to have a Plan B for your life.

While I'm quoting lines from We're Ready For You, Mr. Grodin, I'd like to quote a paragraph that made me laugh out loud. It has to do with a production of Charley's Aunt in which Grodin appeared…

Charley's Aunt is almost a hundred years old, and although we had a good cast, the first ten minutes or so of the play can be a little deadly — three Oxford undergraduates running around trying to figure out what to do about getting a chaperone as the girls are coming to tea. The idea is hatched that one of us — me — dresses up like my aunt Donna Lucia D'Alvadorez. Here's the moment I love and it's not onstage, but backstage. I come off to change into the woman's dress, but before I do I'd always look at the stagehands or whomever was standing back there and say, "God, we're dying out there. We need someone to dress up like a woman or something!" Then I'd spot the dress and as though I'd just gotten the idea, I'd say, "Hand me that dress!"

His newest book is called I Like It Better When You're Funny, and it deals mainly with his CNBC/MSNBC talk show and the various TV executives who put it on, took it off and — at other networks — danced him around about a replacement show before he wound up doing short commentaries for 60 Minutes II on CBS. If you need testimony that folks who run TV companies sometimes show bad judgment and aren't completely honest, this book might come in handy. There are, of course, segments I enjoyed but, over-all, fewer than in Grodin's earlier books. If, however, this one gets him out, making the talk show rounds to promote it, I'm all for it. I'm all for anything that gets Charles Grodin in front of a camera, especially when he's playing that most interesting of all his characters, Charles Grodin.

Games People Play

We're flashing back to June 1, 2002 for this rerun. Shortly after I wrote about this game show, someone sent me VHS tapes of the one or two episodes of Video Village that are known to exist. It was about as I remembered except that, as so many old shows do when you see them again, it looked a lot cheaper than I recalled and I wondered if they'd been refilmed on a lower budget. I call this the Man From U.N.C.L.E. effect…

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Game shows of the MTV generation usually look for physical player involvement, so I'm surprised no one has thought to revive Video Village, a silly but fun series that ran from 1960 to 1962 on CBS.  Format-wise, it was pretty simple: Two players competed as life-size "pieces" on a studio-sized game board.  Each would bring a friend or relative along to roll the dice for them and, based on that roll, contestants would move one to six spaces along the "street."  Some spaces paid little prizes — merchandise or money — some spaces cost you a turn or took your prizes away.  On the last of the three "streets," the prizes became considerable…and, of course, the object of the game was to reach the finish line before your opponent.

There was also a kid's version of the show briefly on Saturday morning.  As I recall, it was called Video Village Jr. in the TV Guide and it was called Kideo Village on the show itself — or perhaps it was the other way around.  I was ten at the time and bothered more than anyone should have been by this discrepancy.  Years later, when I met its host, Monty Hall, I saw my chance to finally get this age-old riddle answered and off my widdle mind.  I asked him why the show had one name in TV Guide and another on the air.  His reply was, "It did?"  Thank you, Monty Hall.  (In 1964, the same production company — Heatter-Quigley — did another kids' version of Video Village.  This one was called Shenanigans and was hosted by Stubby Kaye.)

Monty Hall was actually the third host of Video Village, following Jack Narz and Red Rowe.  As was the custom in the board game versions of TV quiz programs, no real host is depicted on the box cover of the Milton Bradley version above.  I had always assumed that this practice was because the owners of the show didn't want to share the loot with the host, and that may have been the reason in some cases.  But an expert at such things — a collector of board games based on TV shows — once told me that wasn't the main reason.  The main reason was so that the board game could be sold overseas (where game shows were often produced with local hosts) and so that the toy company didn't get stuck with an out-of-date box on already-manufactured items if the show changed hosts.  Changing stars in mid-stream was more common then than it is now…although, at some point, every one of us is going to get to be the host of Family Feud.

Back when I was twelve, I loved to play the home version of Video Village, often with a friend of mine named Alan.  Oddly, Alan didn't want to play against me.  The only way he enjoyed the game was if we found a third person to compete, whereupon Alan could function as Monty Hall.  Though the board game was designed to be played one-on-one with no emcee, Alan loved to preside and to do all the unnecessary game show host patter that Monty did on the air, even asking the announcer (whose voice he'd also do) to tell us what we'd all won.  Unfortunately, when I went over to Alan's house, the only third party available was usually his younger sister who was thoroughly uninterested in his silly games.  I'd say to Alan, "Let's play Stadium Checkers, instead."  But Alan wanted to play Game Show Host, so he'd start bribing Sis the way an older brother can bribe a sibling: "If you'll play two games with us, I promise not to yell at you for a week and to let you ride up front next time Mom takes us to the market."  His sister would counter, "Throw in that you'll take the trash out and tell Mom that you were the one who broke her vase."  It all foreshadowed Monty's subsequent TV program, Let's Make A Deal, except that it was more mature since no one had to dress up like a giant hubbard squash.

It also never worked.  Once we got into the game, Alan, being the gracious host, would ask her, "So, where are you from and what do you for a living?"  He'd expect her to say, "Well, Alan, I'm a stenographer from Lansing, Michigan and I have three wonderful children," but she'd say. "I'm from the same place as you, doo-doo head, and I'm ten years old.  I don't have a job."  He'd scream at her for not playing along and she'd scream at him for using her toys in the swimming pool and that would be the end of today's episode of Video Village.  Come to think of it…though we didn't know it at the time, we were actually playing the home version of The Jerry Springer Show.  You know, I bet that would sell.

In My Backyard

Back to May 9, 2002 for this post about the animals I was then feeding in my backyard. I'm currently down to two cats and the occasional possum. Raccoons come around but I decided it was in the best interest of all not to feed them so when they grab a bite, it's in spite of my best efforts. Currently, I give the cats Friskies canned cat food and a Friskies dry cat food called Seafood Sensations that probably has about as much to do with seafood as a package of Goldfish crackers.

Since I wrote this, the main thing that has changed apart from the identities of the animals is that there's no more Alpo brand cat food. It disappeared shortly after this post as the Nestlé company, which had acquired the Alpo company a few years earlier, shut down that brand and folded it into the Ralston Purina company, which they'd also acquired…and now they make all their pet food under the Friskies label. So that's what the Nestlé corporation does when it's not bottling all the remaining water in California so they can sell it to us. Soon, thirsty neighbors will be begging for H2O at my back door like the animals who demand their Friskies.

And yes, I actually did take the photo below of a family of raccoons on my back porch one night and I don't live in the hills or in the countryside. I live in the middle of the city — and there were more of them out there than you can see in this picture…

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I feed a menagerie on my back porch.  It includes several cats, possums and raccoons who amble by on a nightly basis to stuff their furry faces.  For a time, I paid scant attention to what I put in the bowls.  One brand, I figured, is just like another and I always mocked the blurbs where they tout "better taste."  A lot of pet food advertising, I believe, is based on the premise that we purchase it as if we're going to be the ones dining on it.  We look at the label for Alpo Sliced Beef in Gravy and we say, "Mmm…sliced beef in gravy.  That sounds yummy."  As if what sounds good to our palates has anything to do with what our animals will like.  So, in that spirit, I purchased whatever was on sale.

For a while, that's been Friskies Chef's Blend and it seemed to be acceptable to all, disappearing like chopped liver at a Bar Mitzvah reception.  I had no reason to change until one evening, I was out of food and in my friendly neighborhood Sav-On Pharmacy.  They didn't have any Chef's Blend so I bought the cheapest thing on their shelves, which was the store brand of Albertson's, a supermarket chain owned by the same corporation.  I took it home and filled the dish…and they wouldn't eat the stuff.

The cats wouldn't eat it.  The raccoons wouldn't eat it.  Even the possums, which supposedly will eat just about anything, wouldn't eat Albertson's "Original Formula" cat food.  There was a bit of nibbling around the edges but, for the most part, the vittles went untouched.

At first, I thought, well, maybe no animals came by but, the next day, after a trip to the market, I put a dish of Friskies out next to the Albertsons food.  The following morning, the Albertson's food was all there — every morsel of it — but the other bowl had been licked clean.

So what was I to do with the whole bag of the Albertson's food?  I didn't want to waste it so, the next evening, I tried filling both dishes with a mixture of the two brands.  I thought this was very resourceful but later, when I walked through the kitchen, I noticed a raccoon out there, carefully picking the Friskies food out…and with much the same precision I use to take the peas I can't eat out of Campbell's Vegetable Soup.  As he did this, he glared at me with a look that seemed to say, "You're making this very difficult, you know."

I finally wound up putting the Albertson's food out during the day, when starlings and crows sometimes swoop down on the cat dishes.  I'm not sure if the birds actually eat it or if they just "bathe" in the bowls and scatter the food all over so the gardener will sweep it up and throw it out.  Either way, I finally got rid of the food the animals won't eat and I now serve only Friskies Chef's Blend out there.  Earlier this evening, I noticed a raccoon nosing around the dishes, which were empty.  I went out to fill them, scaring him away.  Then, once I came back in and closed the door, I waited to see if he'd come back.  He did.  He snuck up, sniffed the Friskies, tasted a few bites.  Then he looked at me with an expression that could only have meant, "I'm glad to see you've learned something."

My Annual "I Don't Like Halloween" Post

Here's a rerun of an item I posted here a few years ago and repeat every year about this time…

At the risk of coming off like the Ebenezer Scrooge of a different holiday, I have to say: I really don't like Halloween and never have. Even as a kid, the idea of dressing up and going from house to house to collect candy struck me as enormously unpleasant. I did it a few times when I was young because it seemed to be expected of me…but I never enjoyed it. I felt stupid in the costume and when I got home, I had a bag of "goodies" I didn't want to eat. In my neighborhood, you got a lot of licorice and Mounds bars and Jordan Almonds, none of which I liked.

And of course, absolutely no one likes candy corn. Don't write to me and tell me you do because I'll just have to write back and call you a liar. No one likes candy corn. No one, do you hear me?

My trick-or-treating years were before there were a lot of scares about people putting razor blades or poison into Halloween candy. Even then, I wound up throwing out just about everything except those little Hershey bars. So it was wasteful, and I also didn't like the dress-up part of it with everyone trying to look maimed or bloody. I've never understood why anyone thinks that's fun to do or fun to see.

I wonder if anyone's ever done any polling to find out what percentage of Halloween candy that is purchased and handed-out is ever eaten. And I wonder how many kids would rather not dress up or disfigure themselves for an evening if anyone told them they had a choice. Where I live, they seem to have decided against it. Each year, I stock up and no one comes. For a while there, I wound up eating a couple bags of leftover candy myself. The last few Halloweens, I've switched to little boxes of Sun-Maid Raisins, which are a lot healthier if I get stuck with them. Maybe I ought to switch to candy corn. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about anyone eating it. And if no one comes, I could just keep it around and not give it out again next year.

The only thing that's changed since I first wrote that is that my sweet tooth has disappeared to the point where I don't even like Sun-Maid Raisins. I've stocked up on little packages of peanut butter crackers to give out if any kids show up…which is highly unlikely. And also I've received plenty of e-mails from liars who are trying to get me to believe they like candy corn.

From the E-Mailbag…

From Bill Turner comes this about this link I posted…

Back on Dec. 27 you posted a link to a blog posting arguing against any ban on using a cell phone while driving. The major point of that post was that it dismissed the case against it as based solely on anecdotes. To be fair, you might want to include a link to this article talking about the suppression of the very real evidence of how harmful this is. And if you spend a minute looking, you'll also find plenty of scientific research on "multitasking" with the vast preponderance of the evidence showing that people don't really multitask, we switch back and forth among tasks with considerable loss of efficiency (and that's brain processing efficiency) when doing so.

I find the anti-cell-phone-ban arguments to be strikingly like the anti-global warming arguments: if it would mean I can't do something I want to do, I won't look at your evidence no matter what, you're just wrong, that's all, because obviously the world was designed for my personal convenience or profit. It's much easier to assert that the "evidence" is false, anecdotal, a conspiracy, whatever, than to admit that I'm doing something harmful to others.

In fact, the comments on the article I gave the link to are pretty much all of this nature. Mostly people either want no ban, or a ban against everything except what they personally do, because what they do is safe/necessary/economically important/whatever.

I don't doubt that cell phone usage makes auto accidents more likely and I'd like to know more about "how likely" and how it's determined that a given crash was caused by someone being on their phone. While I didn't go through every line of the 266 page report listed, it does make the point repeatedly that any driver distraction increases the likelihood of a collision and I'd like to know more about how cell phone usage stacks up against distractions like listening to the radio, talking to a passenger and eating the fries you bought at the In-N-Out drive-thru.

The report also suggests that drivers not use cell phones except in an emergency and that strikes me as a pretty useless way to discuss the topic. If we pass a law that says you can only use a cell phone in case of an emergency, we're going to have to define what constitutes an emergency. Being lost? Being late? How about if I need to call Sergio and tell him to send me some info I need right away or Groo may be a day late? Is that an emergency?

I'm not trying to be evasive here. Yeah, cell phones make driving more dangerous. And since we've all had a taste of how convenient they can be in normal life, you're not going to ban them unless a pretty strong case can be made that they're worse than a lot of things, like listening to audio books, that no one wants to ban. I'd also love to hear how such a ban could be enforced. What do the countries that do have such a ban do? Do they prohibit other distractions? I don't think this report should have been suppressed. It should have been taken seriously and triggered more research. But a proper case for a ban has not yet been made.

Recommended Audio Links

You may be familiar with David Feldman, who does a very funny podcast that's also heard on some N.P.R. channels. If you're not familiar with him, here's a good time to start. His New Year's Eve program features Laraine Newman, June Foray, Paul F. Tompkins, Paul Dooley, Rick Overton, Frank Conniff, Mark Thompson, Will Ryan and Chris Pina. Some very funny sketches in there.

That version includes a truncated version of the conversation with June Foray. He's also posted the whole interview and it's quite good.

From the E-Mailbag…

I don't care much about the Iowa Caucus and three or four days after it's over, no one else is likely to care much about it. But after I posted the previous message, I got this from my pal Vince Waldron…

On the other hand, I think Obama's surprising showing in Iowa in 2008 was the single most important turn in his candidacy. As I recall, the sentiment before then, even among black voters, was that a black candidate didn't have a chance so why even bother campaigning for the guy. Obama's upset in Iowa definitely cost Hillary momentum in the subsequent primaries, when his grasp of the democratic spot was secured.

He's right…and I suppose if Rick Santorum won next week in a landslide, that would turn him into the frontrunner, at least until the next primary-type event. But four years ago, it was genuine news that a black guy could do so well in Iowa. It's not going to be the same kind of news that any of the Republican contenders score well…and the winner is not going to win with 37% like Obama did. It'll be more like 25%.

I actually would be curious about any polling on the enthusiasm of the G.O.P. voters for the candidates. I sure get the sense that most of them are going "eenie meenie mitey mitt" and that the Newt backers of this week are the Perry voters of next week and vice-versa. They're just waiting for one contender to break away from the herd and then they'll all fall in line behind that person…and then their enthusiasm for that person will have everything to do with how likely the polls say it is that that person can beat Obama. There are Republicans who don't trust Mormons or think a given candidate is soft on Immigration or something…but when it comes time for the real vote, electability will trump (no pun intended) all other concerns for most of them. The one exception is that I don't think most of those supporting Ron Paul will think that one of the others is an acceptable substitute. A lot of them would rather lose with Paul than win with Mitt or Newt.

And let me share this e-mail from Dennis Lynch, who lives in Iowa…

As a resident of Iowa, I can tell you exactly what the important outcomes of the caucus will be: The temporary abatement of local political advertising (at least 10 for each 30 minute show), an end to robocalls, polls and political activists, and a break from coming up with new cuss words. You can only scream "liar" and "Shithead" so often.

I suspect this election will prove there is no limit.