Auld Acquaintance

SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO

I'm staying home New Year's Eve. There was a time when I used to go to parties but I never enjoyed them…too many people trying way too hard to have a good time and there always seemed to be one person I knew who had way too much to drink and was making things uncomfy for all. There also seemed to always be one couple who had "issues" triggered by the end of the year and their discord would make things even less pleasant. Add to that the difficulty getting anywhere with traffic, sobriety checkpoints and tipsy drivers and, well, it made me realize December 31 is a darn good night to stay home and not go anywhere.

If you're staying put too, you might want to ring in '11 with the live New Year's Eve Celebration on Shokus Internet Radio. Our pal Stu Shostak and his lovely life-partner Jeanine Kasun will be broadcasting (webcasting?) from 7 PM to 1 AM Pacific Time, which means 10 PM 'til 4 AM Eastern Time. They'll have in-studio guests and plus other guests on the phone…and I'll be one of them, around a half-hour before it's New Year's out here. When they're not talking, there will be wonderful music and it'll be a lot of fun. Point your browser to the site for Shokus Internet Radio and join the party. If you really want to get in the mood, wear a funny hat…and nothing else.

Frank Ferrante News

frankferrante04

Gee, it's been at least three hours since I plugged the fine performances of my pal Frank Ferrante, who tours this continent in the guise of Julius "Groucho" Marx, replicating the master comic actor in a one-man (plus pianist) show. He must be good because I receive a steady stream of e-mails from folks who say they went to see Frank on my recommendation and that he was everything I said he was. Like you, I love being told I'm right.

The only problem with Frank's act is that he rarely does it where I can see it…or even where some of you can see it. So we have to be ever-vigilant and keep consulting his touring schedule to see when he'll be coming our way. His 2011 calendar is now posted on his website — not that there won't be more dates added in the future but you might want to check now. If you're in or around Glen Allen, Virginia or Vincennes, Indiana or Holstein, Iowa, you're in luck. He'll be nearby in January. If you're anywhere else, go ascertain as to whether your burg is on his itinerary. And if it is and you go see him, say the Secret Words ("I read about you on Mark Evanier's blog") and Frank will pose for a photo with you after the show.

Happy Stan Lee Day!

Stan Lee, of course.
Stan Lee, of course.

Today's Stan Lee's birthday. You can find out how old he is with about two seconds of Googling but if you've seen him the last few years, you won't believe the number. I saw him about two weeks ago and he still radiates as much energy as any character who ever appeared in a Stan Lee comic.

I enjoy watching him in action these days. He's very, very good at being Stan Lee…very good at being a celebrity, shaking hands, signing autographs. I'm not sure who's getting more of a thrill out of it — Stan or the people he meets. A few months ago at San Diego, I was invited to be on a panel with him and I didn't say a lot. I just sat there on the dais watching the audience staring at him and smiling and thinking how they were going to go home and tell friends — for the rest of their lives, probably — "I got to see Stan Lee in person." Of all the characters he created or co-created, the most colorful is still Stan Lee, himself. He's also the most incredible and I hope he goes on being Stan Lee for a long, long time.

Sticker Shock

The other day, for reasons I won't bore you with, I had to go see someone in a hospital. At this particular hospital, visitors check in at a front desk and they're given a little I.D. adhesive badge to affix to their clothing before they continue upstairs. The badges are color-coded. If you're going to see someone on the second floor, you get an orange badge. For the third floor, you get a green badge. Fourth floor gets a blue badge and so on. Or at least, that was the code the day I was there.

Ahead of me was a couple going to the fourth floor. Fourth floor that day was purple. This presented a problem for the lady since she was wearing a pale green outfit and purple badges of that particular shade, she felt, just didn't go with what she was wearing. "I want a yellow badge," she announced.

The man at the desk rolled his eyes slightly but did a fairly good job of suppressing his annoyance. "You can't have a yellow badge," he told her, "unless you're going to see someone on the fifth floor."

"That's a silly rule," she said. Her companion — a boy friend or husband — promptly adopted that posture of, "I know how this game is played and I ain't getting involved." He'd obviously been through this kind of thing before with her at least a thousand times.

The gentleman behind the desk explained that was the rule. He also pointed out that he didn't make the rule, nor did he have the power to change the rule.

The lady asked, "Who would know if you gave me a yellow badge instead? I want to look nice for my friend." Then she also added, in case the man at the desk didn't quite grasp the concept, "He's in the hospital."

This went on for…well, anything over about nine seconds would have been too long. It went on long enough that I leaned in and told the lady, "It might save us all time if you just went home and changed your outfit."

She asked me, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Madam, you are a woman of stunning beauty." She wasn't really but it's always okay to lie about these things. I continued, "You are so good-looking that no two inch by three inch peel-and-stick could possibly impair your loveliness. It is beneath you to even consider that."

The boy friend or husband gave me a look as if to say, "Not a bad try. Let's see if it works."

She considered what I'd said was beneath her dignity to consider and decided to just accept the compliment (and the purple badge) and be off. As they headed for the elevator, she was heard to tell her companion, "Remind me when I come tomorrow to wear something that goes with purple."

The man at the desk then began the process of logging me in and issuing me a badge. Noting that he had no red ones in his rack, I told him, "I'd like one in red with little flecks of white and maybe some sequins and a gold brocade." He laughed and told me, "I'm sure glad I'm not working tomorrow. Tomorrow, when she shows up in her outfit that goes well with purple, they'll have a whole different color for the fourth floor."

More Drops in the Bucket

I am informed by game show super-genius Tom Galloway that at the end of Thursday's Million Dollar Money Drop, they announced that there will be more episodes. I'm going to watch the one that brings back that first couple but otherwise, I think I've seen enough.

Time Marxes On!

marxbrothers02

On New Year's Eve, Turner Classic Movies is having a Marx Brothers fest: Animal Crackers, Monkey Business, Horse Feathers, Duck Soup, A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Races, then Go West — in that order. That's like eleven hours of Groucho, Harpo, Chico and in the first four, Zeppo. I'm sure you've been invited to dozens of raucous parties and have great debauchery planned for that night but there are worst things for which one could set one's TiVo. That's assuming you don't have those movies (a) on DVD and/or (b) memorized like some people I could mention.

Then on New Year's Day, IFC is running an odd 24-hour marathon of The Larry Sanders Show. It seems to be the same twelve episodes played over and over all day and all night. On January 2, they do much the same thing with old episodes of Mr. Show. Both shows are joining the regular IFC evening lineup right after that. No word if they're running the unexpurgated versions of Larry Sanders or the ones that omit the naughty words and therefore are not as funny.

What I Did Yesterday

Yesterday afternoon, I had to go over to Canon Drive in Beverly Hills…a street on which I've long had about a 75% chance of running into Larry King. Didn't see him this time, which disappointed me. I wanted to yell at him to stop goofing off and go get a job.

On second thought, maybe that was him in the full-body Frosty the Snowman costume. Frosty did look repeatedly married and he was asking pointless questions and wearing suspenders.

I did see something odd. A woman around Larry's age — yes, there are some — is driving a black Mercedes. (A Mercedes in Beverly Hills? What are the odds?) A guy in a small white truck swerves near her and somehow — I didn't see exactly how — clips off her rear view mirror on the passenger's side. Both pull over and get out. The man says something apologetic which reveals that he is not of this land; that he has a thick accent of no (to me) identifiable origin. Might be Slavic. Might be Arabic. Could even be French, I suppose. The lady neither knows nor cares.

Instantly, she unleashes a torrent of angry racial, "Why don't you %@#!$! go back where you came from?" remarks. She really, really does not like people who are not like her. The man rapidly goes from humble and eager to atone to feeling he is the victim here. He raises his voice in response which thickens his accent which makes him seem more the hostile immigrant. Passers-by stop to watch the floor show but I duck into a store to buy something necessary but horribly overpriced. When I come out with it, a policeman is there — the Beverly Hills P.D. is never far — and he has them separated by a few yards as he tries to dial down the explosive rhetoric to something that is just a matter for that lady in the Progressive Insurance commercials to settle. I hear the officer say, "Come on, it's Christmas."

The alien-hating lady insists, "Not for people like him!"

Sometimes, people just are angry because they want to be angry.

Not Standing Pat

There are certain people in the public eye who are so reliably wrong — so wholly on the stupid side of every debate — that you worry when you find yourself anywhere near agreeance. I have never thought that it made a lick of sense to throw adults in prison for using marijuana…and if it did, you'd have to be consistent and criminalize alcohol and we all saw how well that worked. I choose not to use any of that stuff myself but as long as people don't get high and get behind a wheel or something, I don't see why the government should stop them from getting high. This is an opinion I've held for some time and I was pretty secure in it…

…but now that I find myself somewhat on the same side as Pat Robertson, I'm not so sure…

Real George

The parts of me that still wallow occasionally in Watergate are intrigued by this news that files have been released about the late and colorful owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner was convicted in 1974 of making illegal contributions to Richard Nixon, many of which were filtered through his many employees.

It was a pretty blatant case of bribery and extortion. Steinbrenner was in deep trouble with the law for a wide array of shady business deals. He was sent to see a man named Herbert Kalmbach, who was Nixon's personal attorney. Steinbrenner had long been a major Democratic donor and fund-raiser. Kalmbach told him that the Nixon administration could help him or they could see that he went to prison. To avoid the latter, Steinbrenner would have to forget all that nonsense about electing Democrats, become a regional head of "Democrats for Nixon" and give them a lot of money in not-exactly-legal ways. Steinbrenner complied but wound up getting nailed for the donations. Kalmbach pretty much avoided responsibility for his actions but did go briefly to prison and had his law license suspended for a time because of other things he did for his client.

I guess people don't care about this now. They barely cared about it then because, after all, there were so many juicier Nixon-related scandals around but it was a story that intrigued me. I remember I used to spot Steinbrenner almost every time I went to New York, back at a time when I used to frequent Ben Benson's Steakhouse on W. 52nd. Every time I went there, there was Steinbrenner, entertaining guests and being a loud and congenial host. He was one of those people who walks into restaurant and everyone in the place knows who he is and that he's there and it almost feels like he's at your table.

Even total strangers felt it was okay to say anything at all to him about the Yankees and he'd stop and engage them in conversation on the topic. Once while waiting for my date to arrive, I eavesdropped on about a five minute chat in which he defended his decision to fire Billy Martin as manager for what must have been about the ninety-eighth time. I didn't care about that stuff. I wanted to ask him about Herbert Kalmbach but I never got up the nerve. Somehow, I don't think he would have been as friendly about it.

Wild and Crazy Juror

stevemartin01

In case you aren't following Steve Martin on Twitter, he's doing jury duty at the moment. Here are some of his more memorable tweets today…

  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: defendant looks like a murderer. GUILTY. Waiting for opening remarks.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: guy I thought was up for murder turns out to be defense attorney. I bet he murdered someone anyway.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: Prosecuting attorney. Don't like his accent. Serbian? Going with INNOCENT. We're five minutes in.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: I'm cracking up defense with my jokes. Judge not pleased. Defendant finds me funny. Nice guy!
  • I like to cup my hands and say, "you tell 'em Judge Judy," then duck behind the other jurors." HUGE laughs.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: Defendant's hair looking very Conan-y today. GUILTY.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: Attorneys presenting "evidence." Since when are security photos, DNA, and testimony evidence? Trusting intuition.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: Lunch break. Discussing case with news media gives me chance to promote my book.
  • REPORT FROM JURY DUTY: Now forcing my autograph on other jurors. Also starting whisper campaign of innocence based on Magic 8 Ball.
  • Slipped into evidence blow-up of fingerprint with my face worked into it. Got screams! Judge now banging gavel on my head. Hard to twee

Gummed Drop

milliondollarmoneydrop

Fox just debuted the American version of a popular British game show. Here, it's called The Million Dollar Money Drop and the rules are pretty simple. A couple comes on. They're presented with a million bucks in cash in chunks of $20,000. It's theirs to keep minus as much of it as they lose by wagering on seven multiple-choice questions. For each question, they have to bet the whole kaboodle. There may be four answers, three or two…and they can spread the bet out over various answers as long as they leave one choice empty. So on every question, they could lose the whole wad.

And like I said, whatever they don't lose (whatever doesn't "drop") they get to take home. This is another show that apes the Deal or No Deal ambiance of a high-tech set with the audience all around…lots of neon-like lighting, roving spotlights, big computer screens, suspenseful music, pregnant pauses before the reveals, etc. And at some point, somebody behind it probably said, "Okay, we need a comedian like Howie Mandel to host" and they wound up with Kevin Pollak. I usually like Pollak but the format here doesn't allow him to do much of anything he does well. Mandel got to interact with The Banker, the Models, the contestants' helpers, et al. Pollak just has to keep explaining the rules and reading questions. How many episodes before he starts reading them in William Shatner's voice?

The first few of the seven questions are usually softballs so the game doesn't end too quickly, plus they want to build up the possibility that the couple may depart with most of the million. Then things get tougher…and here, I'm going to toss in a SPOILER ALERT in case someone reading this recorded it but hasn't watched yet.

spoileralert02

The first couple was ideal for this game: A young, attractive black couple that needs the money to get married and start their lives together. You almost ached for them to take home six figures…and they kept most of it for a while. As they got to Question #5, they had $880,000 because the first four questions were eminently guessable. As they got into tougher questions, it became wild-guessing time and they started losing. By Question #7, they had but twenty grand left and here was the question: "According to Time, who did people say was the most trusted newscaster in America in 2009?" Possible answers were Brian Williams and Jon Stewart. They bet their last $20,000 on Brian Williams and lost it. The correct answer was Jon Stewart.

There was something a bit fishy about that question. Its wording would lead you to assume they were being asked about a scientific poll. In truth, it was an online poll — the kind that can easily be rigged by a couple of folks figuring out how to vote repeatedly or getting everyone on some forum to go click and vote. If you look at the results Time posted, they noted, "Poll results are not scientific and reflect the opinions of only those users who chose to participate." I'm not sure what they mean by "users" but clearly, Time is saying of these online polls that they don't stand too firmly behind them. It strikes me that if the couple had known it was an online poll, they might have at least asked the question, "Well, since it's an online poll, what if Jon Stewart asked all his viewers to go click?" Or they might have noted that among Brian Williams watchers, there's probably a lower percentage of folks who are active on the Internet.

The second couple in the two-hour debut went home with zip, as well. They didn't even make it to Question #7. So what you had was two hours of a TV giveaway show that didn't give away a cent. I don't think this program is going to get a lot of my patronage just because it looks to be repetitive and I lose patience with all the stalling and drawing-out of a contest that could be played in a third the time. But I'm sure not going to watch if it looks impossible for anyone to win.

Get Larry

Here's another one of those not-around-forever Amazon deals: The Larry Sanders Show: The Complete Series. Lists for $150. Amazon usually sells it for $105. Now on sale for $60. A terrific boxed set of one of the best sitcoms ever done for television. Click here to grab one while you can.

How To Write Comic Books

At least once a week, I get an e-mail asking me, "How do you write comic books?" About half want to know how you do it — format, craft, approach, etc. — and the other half want to know how you get a job or sell your work. To the latter, there isn't a lot I can say. I do have a stock line which I think is very good advice. It's to not try to become a Comic Book Writer. It's to become a Writer who writes many things, one of which is comic books. That's a distinction that I think is as important to one's creative mental health as it is to one's marketability.

Beyond that, there's not a lot I can tell the job seekers. The business is what the business is and I'm not in touch with large chunks of it these days. It seems to have bifurcated into two categories: The one where people hire you to work on their properties and projects and the one where you invent a new book and new characters and find a publisher. Some publishing houses embrace both and some creators do both but the rules of play and entry are very different and it's important to be aware of that. The kind of gigs where you get hired to write Spider-Man or Green Lantern or Star Wars are very hard to come by and if you aspire to that, be aware that you'll be battling many, many others for the opportunity. Concocting your own gig may actually be easier but it will require more investment of time and spec work…and if you aren't an artist, it'll probably mean finding an artist and forging a partnership. And right now, that's about all I have the energy to write about that kind of endeavor.

How to actually write a comic book is a simpler chore if you'll accept this answer: However it works best for you and your collaborators. Since I got into the biz, I have railed against the notion that there is one correct way to write a comic book. There isn't. I've seen dozens of different script formats in terms of margins, spacing, columns, tabs, etc. Last year, I was talking with the folks who make Movie Magic Screenwriter, which is the software I use for writing TV and movie scripts, about them doing a template for the way I most often format a comic book script. If and when we do that, I will somehow manage to append a note that says even I only use it for about half my projects. That's because how you work needs to be dictated by (a) the needs of a given piece of material and (b) the particular skills of the parties involved. If I'm supposed to do a funny comic with Sergio Aragonés, it's a very different challenge from when I'm supposed to do a grim 'n' gritty project with someone else.

At one point in the eighties, I was simultaneously writing three comic books a month for three different publishers, working with three different artists on three different kinds of material. For DC Comics, I was writing (and eventually editing) Blackhawk, a war comic. For Eclipse, I was writing (and I think editing, though we never made it clear) DNAgents, a super-hero comic. And for whatever publisher hadn't gone out of business publishing it so far, I was doing whatever I do on Groo the Wanderer, a silly comic. The comics all looked entirely different from one another and so did their scripts. My collaborators all had different skill sets and in some cases, a lot of input into the stories. In some cases, not. When they did, I adjusted what I did to be able to best embrace what they did.

On two of those, the dialogue and copy were usually written after the artist drew the book. On the other, the words came before but might be revised later. On one, I was more likely to sketch out suggested layouts. On another, the artist sketched out suggested layouts and then I sometimes erased his and placed balloons where I wanted them, then he would redesign his panel compositions to put the characters under the balloons I had placed. On one, there were times when I had an editor. Then, I not only had to do my end of things in a way that would convey what I wanted to the artist but to the editor, as well.

If it sounds like I'm trying to be confusing…in a way, I am. I'm trying to disabuse anyone of the notion that there's one right way to do this. I not only want beginners to know this but I think some longtime professionals could stand to be more open to different breakdowns of collaboration. Too often, I think, they have a great working relationship with Artist A and that becomes the way they want to work with everyone. Artist B comes along and they force him to work like Artist A even though B may, for example, be better at breaking down an action into a panel-to-panel flow and worse at interpreting the emotional content of a scene. I would especially like longtime pros to stop telling beginners that their way is the way.

This is all I have time to write about this today but I intend to return to this topic over the next few weeks. This is an exciting time in comics in that creators are bringing forth a wider range of styles and genres and viewpoints than I have ever seen. When I broke in, you kind of had to do Marvel Comics to work for Marvel, DC Comics to work for DC, etc. The publishers had much narrower vistas as to what readers would buy from them and there weren't that many publishers. Now, there are more publishers and they're all open to a wider range of looks and feels. Some of them don't even want a book that looks like anything they've published before. Since we have more places to go, I think we need to look at a wider range of routes you can take to get to them.

Remembering Blake Edwards

Earlier today, we embedded the Turner Classic Movies memorial montage for 2010 and noted that it was assembled too early to include anyone who dies the last few weeks of this year. John I. Carney informs me (thank you, John) that TCM updates this montage as necessary. Apparently, the version now running occasionally between films on that channel includes Blake Edwards. TCM has always been a class act.

They're going to run a Blake Edwards fest on December 27 consisting of Breakfast at Tiffany's, Days of Wine and Roses, The Pink Panther, Victor/Victoria and Operation Petticoat. If you don't want to wait that long, they're airing, as already scheduled, A Shot in the Dark on Monday morning. That's a very funny film, probably better than any of the five they're running on 12/27. Not that they aren't all pretty good.