The Kitten Problem – Part 8

There was one season of Hawaii Five-O where it seemed like every week, about forty-seven minutes into the show, the following would occur. Steve McGarrett would be sitting in his office after hours and with the lights down. Everyone else would have gone home for the night but McGarrett, being the dedicated supercop that he was, would be sitting there, just staring out the window, wondering about that week's master criminal who had to be caught in the next thirteen minutes, not counting station breaks.

Someone would find him there…someone (say, Danny Williams) who'd come back to the office late because he forgot something. He'd be amazed to find McGarrett still there, still on the job. But he'd also be unamazed because he, like everyone, knew the kind of stuff from which Steve McGarrett was made. "What are you thinking about, boss?" he'd ask, even though he knew full well what McGarrett was thinking about.

McGarrett would swivel around in his office chair and point or otherwise indicate the window with its beautiful nighttime view of Hawaii. And with a tightening of the throat and jaw, telling us how personal this whole matter was to him, McGarrett would say in a strong but frustrated voice…

"He's out there, Danno…and he's mocking us."

Why do I bring this up? Because The Kitten is out there somewhere and she's mocking me.

I think one of you tipped her off. She keeps coming around — four times so far today and it's just past sundown. Each time, she avoids the entrance to the trap. She walks all around it. She sniffs the sardine that has been placed inside. She acts as if she even wants that sardine…

But does she go in and get it? Ha. If she'd go in and get it, would I be sitting here, resurrecting old Hawaii Five-O memories? She also won't let me get near her at all today. Runs off faster than the audience for some shows I've written.

I wanted to trap her in the morning so she wouldn't have to sit in the trap all night before I can take her in to the vet. Trouble is, tomorrow morning my yard and the neighbor's will be full of gardeners and that usually scares the animal population off for a day. So if I can't get her tonight, it may be a while.

Still, I'm not giving up. Why? Because Steve McGarrett never gave up. Then again, he only had to catch psycho mass murderers. He never had to face the treachery and craftiness of The Kitten. She's out there and she's mocking me.

Tune In Tomorrow!

madworld02

Here's a scene you may remember from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World — the demolition of a service station by Jonathan Winters and two attendants. The attendant on the right is the brilliant comic actor Arnold Stang. The attendant on the left is the also-brilliant Marvin Kaplan…and this is a plug for Marvin's appearance tomorrow on Stu's Show, the "must listen" talk show on Shokus Internet Radio.

Marvin has had a long, wonderful career, appearing in countless TV shows and movies. I'll mention two roles. One was his recurring part as a diner patron on the long-running series, Alice. Another was his expert voice work as Choo-Choo on the Hanna-Barbera series, Top Cat. (Mr. Stang, of course, played Top Cat.) He has also been a mover and shaker in actors' rights groups and a special champion of "the little guy" in actors' unions that could easily forget about such people if they didn't have a Marvin Kaplan there to speak up.

I've worked with Marvin a few times on cartoon shows and he's a wonderful gentleman who makes everything he says sound interesting. (I also saw him once give an amazing dramatic performance in a production of The Dybbuk. He can do a lot more than tear down gas stations.)

And like I said, he's guesting tomorrow with your genial host, Stuart Shostak, along with equally-genial co-host Earl Kress. It all happens live (so you can call in with questions) from 4 PM to 6 PM Pacific Time, three hours later if you're in that silly time zone that's three hours later. To access it, go during those hours to the website for Shokus Internet Radio and click where they tell you to click. The show reruns throughout the week but I know you. You'd rather hear it live. There are also other fine programs to listen to there, by the way.

Today's Video Link

Has anyone here been watching the prime-time Price is Right lately? This version is the special Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular…aptly named because they've been giving out million dollar prizes the way Larry King gives out alimony checks. They've had three winners of that amount-plus since the end of February. (By that, I mean these people won a million bucks in cash plus whatever cars or washing machines they also won.) Here's the most recent win, which involved an amazing bit of dumb luck…

Remember what an event it was the first time they gave out a million smackers on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Notice how even though it's been on since the end of '05, Deal or No Deal still hasn't given out the million dollar top prize? I'll bet they will soon, no matter how easy they have to make it.

Ratings are down on the daytime Price is Right since Bob Barker left…and not just because they can't match the "surge" in numbers during Bob's final weeks. Anywhere from 13 to 15% fewer viewers are turning in as matched against comparable weeks from the Barker years. This is no surprise to most of us and I don't think it's even a reflection on Drew Carey's hosting abilities. I think the show had just gotten stale and the changeover of hosts just afforded some folks a simple stopping point in their viewing.

But the nighttime Price, the one where they give away the millions, is doing great in the ratings. Since the money is the only real difference, that's the message to programmers: You want numbers? Create millionaires. I dunno how long that will be cost-effective but we'll probably see a lot more of that before America grows bored with the big wins. (Another thing I'm thinking is that it's probably a lot harder than it used to be to get into the audience for Price is Right tapings so you can be eligible to "Come on down.")

And I can't help but point something out…

The Price is Right is a non-Writers Guild show. The show is written, of course. There are words on cue cards, words on TelePrompters, little sketches in the Showcases at the end, etc. Someone writes that but the producers don't want that someone to join the WGA so they claim that person is not a writer. All the old Goodson-Todman game shows (I've Got a Secret, Match Game, What's My Line?, etc.) were always non-signatories and the firm that now owns The Price is Right has continued that tradition.

The amounts of money it would cost for a show like that to become a WGA signatory are always pretty small. Unless they're really paying slave wages to the folks doing the work, we're talking a microscopic percentage of the budget. On a show that's throwing around million dollar checks, even the word "microscopic" seems insufficient to describe how insignificant it would be to the program. Might mean something to the writer, though…and might even yield a better program. The daytime show, which can't afford to dole out millions, could especially do with a little cleverness. And so will the prime-time one when viewers get jaded from watching the money.

The Kitten Problem – Part 7

Okay, I'm giving up for today. Tune in tomorrow…same cat-time, same cat-channel!

The Kitten Problem – Part 6

The Kitten showed up at my back door around 3:45…very friendly but refusing to go into the trap, no matter how yummy the food in it was. I think she's been reading this weblog and knows what I'm up to. I finally went out, pet her a bit and then attempted to place her into it — gently at first then, when she fought like mad, with all the strength I could muster.

Didn't work. She kicked and flailed and never remained in a position that would enable her to fit through its door. Then she banged the cage, the door slammed down…and I had no choice but to let her go. I couldn't take one hand off her to open the cage.

She's sitting out in the far side of the yard, refusing to go anywhere near the cage which I have reset. If I can't get her into it in the next thirty minutes or so, I'm going to have to put it off 'til the morrow. The vet won't take her after 6 PM and it'll take a good 45 minutes to get her there.

Writers' Market Update

Back here, I posted that Gelson's Markets in Southern California were offering a 15% discount through the end of this month to members of the Writers Guild. I'm told now that the way to make this happen is to show your WGA card to the Store Manager before you begin shopping. He or she will then give you a coupon for the discount. I may try this later today and let you know how it works. (And then again, I may not. I was figuring to go to Gelson's on my way back from taking The Kitten to the vet. But someone doesn't seem to be cooperating…)

Go Read It!

Here's a nice piece on our pal, voice artist Tom Kenny. And I'll bet you my car that Tom didn't tell the interviewer that he thought Chuck Jones was a cartoon voice actor. (Jones actually did a few voices in his films but I'm wagering that was a reporter error.)

From the E-Mailbag…

Hey, we have a bunch of interesting messages about Charlton Heston, starting with this one from Mike Frank…

In 1978 I was a messenger. One day I was given a package of checks to take to Charlton Heston for his signature and I was to return them after that was done.

After being let through by a guard I went up to the house's front door where he greeted me. He shook my hand and led me to a large office and put me in a seat in front of his desk, across from him.

On his desk were many small souvenirs of trips he had taken. He told me I could examine them and proceeded tell me stories about each of them, while he signed the checks. There was one particularly nice small carved piece of African origin. While I was looking at it, it broke. He told me not to worry, that the piece had been broken for some time. This was obviously a lie, but it was a truly gentlemanly thing to say.

Sure sounds that way. Here's a note from Ray Arthur…

I was in a small group who had lunch with Heston about ten years ago. It was a very relaxed affair and I was pleasantly surprised to find Mr. Heston eager to not delve into any political or controversial subjects, just two hours of great stories.

One tale that stuck with me, I understand he often told but it was new to me, related to when he was filming Ben Hur. Heston was having trouble mastering chariot racing and they had suspended filming for several days for additional training. He finally went to the stunt coordinater, famed silent film star and stuntman extraordinaire Yakima Canutt and asked for more time, "Yak," he said, "I just don't feel comfortable at this point that I can win the race."

Canutt smiled and said, "Jesus Chuck, you're Ben Hur! Don't worry. You'll win the race. Just don't fall off the chariot!"

Politics and scenery chewing aside, my two hours with Charlton Heston were warm and funny.

My old pal Mike Valerio sent the following…

I just read your thoughts on Charlton Heston. You called it. The man was classy.

I worked with Mr. Heston back in 1985. When he walked onto our soundstage, I introduced myself as the director. He shook my hand, repeated my name and introduced himself ("I'm Charlton Heston. Please call me Chuck"), saying that it was nice to meet me and that he looked forward to doing some good work together.

Mr. Heston then proceeded to move around the entire set. He walked over to each and every crew person there (ADs, grips, electrical, hair and make-up people, etc) and introduced himself to them, repeating their names and saying that it was nice to meet them.

When Mr. Heston was done getting to know all of his collaborators-for-the-day, he turned to me and said: "Shall we all get to work?"

And so, we did. And when it over, Mr. Heston stood up, walked over to me, shook my hand and said that he enjoyed working with me. He then proceeded to make his rounds of the set, shaking hand with each and every crew member, thanking them for their work and wishing them well.

Once Mr. Heston exited the stage door with one final wave, all of us assembled on the soundstage stared at each other in stunned silence. It was obvious that none of us had ever before seen an actor — let alone an actor of Heston's stature — treat a roomful of strangers like valued friends.

And — in the two plus decades since — I'm still waiting to see it happen again.

Like you said: Charlton Heston. Classy.

Not to take anything away from Mr. Heston but that isn't that unusual. Unusual maybe…but not that unusual. There are major stars who feel they don't have to prove it every minute and be nasty to people just because they can get away with it. The manners you noted are probably not unrelated to the fact that Charlton Heston had a very long career and kept working long after men who were once his peers were becoming Trivial Pursuit answers. I also think it may have to do with the fact that, at least until his last few years, he never seemed to take himself too seriously. I seem to recall Phil Hartman — who worked with him on Saturday Night Live and did a darned good Charlton Heston impression — saying that Heston had very little sense of humor but he knew it and didn't try to pretend otherwise.

Lastly, here's one from James H. Burns. It's long but I thought it was worth sharing…

There really were two Charlton Hestons, weren't there?

The dashing magnetic, film presence one, capable of intstant credibility in a plethora of unlikely roles —

The civil-rights activist (albeit one who enjoyed playing tennis with Spiro Agnew) —

The terrific talk-show guest who was a marvelous raconteur —

The stage actor decent enough to have Laurence Olivier want to direct him —

And, then, that strangely toupeed, badly dressed fellow, who seemed to replace him, some time in the late '70s. As the years went on, he seemed to say stranger and more disturbing things.

Never have I seen an actor more torpedo his own career by dressing badly than Heston. It seems odd to say, but starting at some time in the '70s, Heston would go on The Tonight Show and Merv, with an ill-fitting rug, and clothes that looked like they had been purchased in the irregular bin at Robert Hall's…

If you're a leading man in Hollywood, you have to play the part, even when — or especially when — doing the talks shows of the time.

I could remember as a kid, thinking, Didn't Heston have anyone around him aware enough to tip him off that he was looking silly?

He seemed to have absolutely no capacity to make the gracious shift to older leading man. And what's especially shocking, from today's perspective, is that at the time, Heston would only have been in his very early fifties.

(It was made even odder, in that Heston had been adventurous with his celebrity. Most Hollywood actors, at the time, would not necessarily have made as many stage appearances as he did, or devote so much time to the Screen Actors Guild, and the early years of the American Film Institute. He also deserves credit for risking time and money on his all-star production of Julius Caesar, and Antony and Cleopatra. The latter is a dud, but the first is a highly accesible, non-condescending, Shakespeares on film. Heston was mocked for it, by some, but his Marc Antony is, if a little old, certainly suitable. Damaging was Jason Robards as Brutus, who appears to either be hungover, or asleep, through most of the movie.)

Heston's "look" improved with the makeover he got for TV's short-lived Dynasty spinoff, The Colbys. But it didn't seem too long thereafter that the strange political rhetoric began.

(Another quick side-note: Heston got The Colbys after Burt Lancaster turned it down, which wasn't the first time this happened. Lancaster rejected Ben Hur as "Christian propaganda," and had also been slated to star in The Agony and the Ecstasy.)

Can there be a certain kind of political senility, or even madness, that appears with middle age?

Heston had marched with Martin Luther King, and I'm certain had employed many homosexuals through his years as a producer, and as a star with enough power to have absolute approval over his films' hiring choices. The Heston of so many years ago didn't seem to gibe with too many of those strange statements of the last bunch of years…

Why was so much of Heston's later political rhetoric disturbing? Because unlike many of his brethren on both sides of the ideological fence, who would try to discuss their views on an issue, Heston would tend to demagogue.

And then there was the fact that the NRA gig was a paid one. It was sad to me that Heston either needed the money or so much strove to have some kind of piece of someone's limelight.

Especially in light of the fact that decades earlier, Heston had turned down offers from both the Democrats and the Republicans in Caifornia, to run for the Senate. He said, in his first book of diaries/memoirs, that he didn't think it was his place…

(Intriguingly, some years later, James Garner made the same decision.)

Charlton Heston was my first favorite actor. Planet of the Apes was one of the very first "adult movies" — as opposed to kiddy matinees — that I ever saw, and I was exactly the right age for it. Combine that with the steady stream of Heston movies that ran on the abundance on New York television, in the late '60s and early '70s, and it's easy to see how a kid could become impressed with what had been an awesomely wide canvas of work.

(Often overlooked is how good Heston was, in the '50s, in his more generic adventures films. There are even those who believe — not me, mind you — that much of the Indiana Jones personna was derived from Heston's appearance in Secret of the Incas.)

As a kid, I'd look forward to each new Heston movie, or television rebroadcast of a movie I hadn't seen… But then it all sort of dissipated, didn't it?

In the last two decades of Heston's life, there'd be some wonderful voice-over work, and the occasional glimmer of a good performance. But he too often seemed to be struggling with trying to portray Charlton Heston, rather than the character at hand.

On the bookshelf, in my office, I still have the autographed photo Heston, or his secretary, sent me when I was a boy. It was one of the very few autographs that, even as a kid, I ever asked for.

Heston's mistakes should not be forgotten. But the passage of time also allows us to assess someone's work in its totality. In recent years, I've put the Heston of unpleasant politics in one box, and the actor who thrilled me in so much of my youth — and some of whose performances I find can still be throughly engaging — well, some place more pleasant.

Maybe a rocketship in my imagination.

Or a chariot.

I find it interesting that even in 1969, the small glossy photo Heston used to answer fan mail was a studio "glamour" pose, from the '50s. I'm sure it was just because at some point hundreds of thousands of them had been printed up, and Heston's office was just using the overage. But it does suggest, if even in an artificially subliminal way, that Heston already knew that his best work was behind him.

It didn't have to be that way.

I agree and disagree with you, Jim. Mr. Heston's politics were not mine but I see no reason to believe they were anything but earnest on his part. People do change as they get older. I think the reason he so irked some was not that he "demagogued" but that he was the kind of speaker who sounds like he's demagoguing if he's ordering a tuna melt. Even if you didn't have in mind the image of him as Moses, he had a way of sounding like everything he uttered was chiselled onto stone tablets. It's what made him compelling as an actor, at least in certain roles…and made him seem uncommonly arrogant if he voiced a worldview you found questionable.

It is not uncommon for a person as he or she ages to become more and more the self-caricature…and when it's someone as flamboyant and mannered as Charlton Heston (or most notable actors), the caricature can be quite extreme. Over the years, I've heard people in Hollywood talk wistfully of how there should be a service to which celebs can subscribe — a kind of "monitoring" department that dispassionately observes the star's public behavior. If certain lines are crossed and it becomes necessary, the service taps them lovingly on the shoulder and tells them it's time to get out of the spotlight, lest they despoil the image they wish to leave behind. I don't think Heston needed that as desperately as Groucho or some others we could all name…but maybe he needed, as you say, someone to tell him the hairpiece wasn't on straight.

On the other hand, he was Charlton Heston. People loved him and wanted to honor him and meet him and just treasure him. So what if he said things that made some of them uncomfy? He had every right to speak his mind and promote his politics and his interpretation of the Second Amendment without it being dismissed as senility. Certainly, there are a lot of men in their twenties who say the same things. For all we know, maybe there was one Charlton Heston. Maybe the one you liked was the real one and as he grew older, he dropped the pretense…I don't know. Sometimes, we have to cut those we admire some slack and not expect them to always be what we want them to be. If we don't, they're bound to disappoint us as your "first favorite actor" seems to have disappointed you.

You seem to have been a greater admirer of him than I was. I did respect a lot of what I heard him say over the years about acting and he seemed to be serious about it in a way I like — actor, first; movie star, second. Perhaps the political stuff didn't bother me as much because he was never my favorite actor or anything close to it.

Today's Video Link

Here's a remarkable bit of video. In 1963, Jerry Lewis launched a new, vastly oversold prime time talk/variety series for ABC. It was on Saturday nights for two hours and it was done live from what had been the El Capitan Theater on Vine Street in Hollywood. For the new program, it was completely refurbished and renamed the Jerry Lewis Theater.

Some (but not all) of the problems The Jerry Lewis Show had resulted from the newly-remodelled theater not being quite finished when the first telecast had to be done on September 21, 1963. Monitors didn't work, microphones didn't work, technical cues were missed, etc. A decade or two ago, I discussed that first, legendary episode with a man named John Dorsey, who directed it. Mr. Dorsey was a fine director. In the seventies and eighties, he did most of the Chuck Barris shows, and regardless of their taste or lack thereof, those were not easy to direct. Still, he had facial tics and icy chills when he recalled debut night of the Lewis program…the most important TV broadcast of his life and there he was, unable to communicate with the headsets of the stage manager, cameramen or just about anyone.

Amazingly, all that was only part of the problem. The premise of the show was that Jerry didn't need to prepare or rehearse; that he could work on his movies all week and then on Saturday evenings, he could just show up at his theater and ad-lib something very entertaining. Opening night, ABC and America discovered that he could not. Dick Cavett, who was among the show's writers, felt that the basic problem was that Jerry's brilliance only worked when he was a guest and not the kind of authority figure you have to be to host a TV show, especially one with everyone in tuxedos. (And Jerry insisted that everyone — even the stagehands — be so attired.) Later on, his ex-partner had considerably more success doing a weekly TV series without rehearsing.

That first episode, which I have on a DVD here somewhere, was just a fiasco…almost painful to watch unless you enjoy flop sweat, and I don't. There were genuine surprise guests and one of them was Steve Allen, who was then hosting a competing talk show for syndication. On his next program, Allen did a parody of Jerry's opening night with every possible disaster occurring, and later said that in all his years of broadcasting, he'd never seen such a mess. Subsequent Lewis shows were somewhat better but the damage was done, and Jerry never managed to look like he was really enjoying his own show. The series was terminated after thirteen episodes.

Someone has posted Show #11 in ten parts on YouTube. It aired on 12/7/1963, by which time the cancellation was known and Jerry actually seemed more relaxed about things. The guests included Sam Cooke, Muhammad Ali (who was then still going by the name, Cassius Clay), Patrice Munsel, Señor Wences and the Marquis Chimps, plus the usual surprise guests. I made up a playlist which will play one part after another. You probably won't want to sit through the whole thing but it's all there if you want it.

VIDEO MISSING

Go Read It (And Buy It)!

As mentioned here a week or so ago, The Chicago Reader has published a nice excerpt from a book by my pal, Kim "Howard" Johnson. The book's about the late Del Close, a legend in the world of improv comedy. The excerpt is on this page and as an added bonus, they have video up of Del's last birthday party.

We can't wait to get a copy of the whole book, which is called The Funniest One in the Room: The Lives and Legends of Del Close. If you can't wait, click on that name and order one from Amazon. And read the excerpt to tide you over until the book arrives.

Writers' Market

My favorite supermarket chain in Southern California is Gelson's, which is aka as Mayfair's in a few locales. They're very clean, well-stocked markets staffed with bright, friendly people. I go to other markets occasionally because there are a couple of items I need/crave that Gelson's doesn't have on its shelves and that's when I really appreciate the difference.

Our favorite chanteuse Shelly Goldstein informs me that Gelson's is currently running a "welcome back" special for members of the Writers Guild of America. Now through the end of April, show your WGA card at the checkout counter and they'll take a big 15% off your tab. I can think of a couple of friends who'll be very, very happy at this news. Heck, I'm even happy about it.

The Kitten Problem – Part 4

Okay, I'm going out for a brunch-type meeting and I don't want to leave the trap set when I'm not here. So I'm going to unset it. Looks like Operation Spay will be delayed 'til tomorrow. I hope The Kitten doesn't have an Internet connection so she can read all this.

The Kitten Problem – Supplemental Information

Someone wrote to ask what kind of trap I was using. It's a Havahart (that's the brand name) model #1045. You can read all about it on this page. As you can see, there are doors on either side. You fold them upwards and then the door is held open by a little rod that connects to another rod that connects to the floor panel. When the cat (even the wrong cat) steps on the floor panel, the rods move, the one holding the door open disengages and the door slams shut, trapping the critter within. It reminds me a lot of how I wound up working for Hanna-Barbera all those years.