Last week, when fires were popping up all over Southern California like Pinkberry Yogurt Shops — and doing almost as much damage — the wonderful folks at FEMA staged a bogus press conference. You may have heard about it. It looked like reporters were asking questions but it was really FEMA staff members asking prearranged questions and…well, it was another embarrassment to an organization that you'd think, by this time, would be darn hard to embarrass.

The director of external affairs of FEMA, John "Pat" Philbin, is now the former director of external affairs for FEMA. In an interview today (a real one, oddly enough), he made the following statement that I felt needed to be stared at for a few minutes…

I did not have good situational awareness of what was happening.

Well, there's part of the problem right there. "Situational awareness?" We have a guy here who doesn't even know how to say, "I didn't know what the hell was going on," let alone figure it out.

The other day here, I told you about an episode of the old I've Got a Secret game show in which Groucho Marx appeared…and his secret was that he wasn't answering the questions asked by the panel. The panel was blindfolded and the questions were being answered by comedian Dayton Allen impersonating Groucho's voice.

Every few weeks, GSN runs an old I've Got a Secret very early Sunday morning. This A.M., by a strange coincidence, they ran that very episode, the one I was just talking about. It originally aired on 10/28/63, by the way.

That's about all I have to say on the subject. I just thought I ought to mention it and give you a frame grab to prove it. There. Now I can go to bed.

Last August, we told you about a place called The Stoogeum…a private museum dedicated to a group of men who used to stick their fingers into each others' eyes. Here's your chance to get a five minute tour…

I misremembered and I thank all who've written to jog my memory. The bogus hour-long adventure show — the one I mentioned in this post, the one that never existed — wasn't an eighties' spin on Mission: Impossible. That show was produced and did exist. What I was remembering was the claim that a studio had secretly produced an updated version of the old Mr. Lucky TV show with John Vivyan and Ross Martin. That one never existed.

Which raises two interesting questions: Why hasn't someone produced an updated version of the old Mr. Lucky TV show? And why hasn't someone released the old one on DVD?

I just received an e-mail — part of a mass mailing from WGA President Patric Verrone, that says a lot of the same things I said here about a half hour ago. The difference, of course, is that he knows what he's talking about. Patric's a pretty smart guy, by the way, and he seems to have as much trust as any WGA President could possibly ever have from such a contentious group.

Nikki Finke has posted the text of it on her weblog…and if you're interested in what's going on, you might keep an eye on that weblog. But again, don't believe everything you read from any unofficial source, and that includes my weblog.

Basically, Patric says that they're anticipating a lowball, last minute offer that may leave us no alternative but to strike. Well, that's okay. I put off taking my usual daily walk this weekend because I figure I'm going to be getting plenty of exercise. A deep sigh, a shaking of the head and eyes rolling upwards.

Does someone reading this have a copy of an original printing (only) of any of the first ten issues of Captain America by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby from the forties? One that isn't sealed in plastic and can be opened and scanned? And do they have a good quality scanner? If you are such a person, please drop me an e-mail.

Well, Boomerang ran the Hanna-Barbera Alice in Wonderland special I wanted to see again and record. Unfortunately, they said it was 50 minutes long and my TiVo believed those liars. My copy clipped off the last few minutes…my fault for not being smart enough to pad the recording. Darn. I shall endeavor to learn from my mistake.

We're hearing nothing too positive about the status of negotiations between the AMPTP and the WGA regarding a new contract…and before I get into that, I'd like to make two points. One is that the folks inside the WGA — the Negotiating Committee, the officers, the staff, etc. — have told me nothing. Anything posted here is me speculating based on past histories and the current lack of good news. In situations like this, it's not too pessimistic to assume that a dearth of good news is because there ain't any.

Second point: Lies and bogus stories will be told. That is as certain as anything can be certain. In every WGA strike I've lived through — which is what now? A hundred and fifty? — there have been rumors, often attributed to good sources, that have proven utterly and wholly false. Expect them. Count on them. I'll toss out one example…

A few days into the '88 strike, a very prominent writer-producer — a man with more Emmys than toes — told me that the WGA was doomed because the studios, prepping for our walkout, had secretly filmed or taped plenty of shows to keep them going in our absence. Not only that, he told me the names, premises and cast lists of a couple. One starring Jack Klugman, he said, had taped 13 wonderful episodes and there was some hour-long adventure show that was an eighties' spin on Mission: Impossible [CORRECTION: See here.] that had eight episodes in the can and a whole pile of scripts ready to film. The amount of detail he had made it all seem very credible, as did the fact that this was a very honest, successful writer-producer…but none of these shows were ever seen, during the strike or after. Why? Because they never existed. Someone had made up a phony story and this guy had fallen for it and was passing it along.

One other point: At some stage, you'll probably start hearing about Binding Arbitration: This side has proposed Binding Arbitration. That side has refused Binding Arbitration. Talk like that. When tensions are high and folks are looking for a magic genie to end the madness, they often seize on Binding Arbitration as the fairy dust that can make everything right. But it can't. Not in a contract negotiation of this sort. In order to submit a dispute to Binding Arbitration, the two parties that can't come to an agreement have to agree on the rules of Binding Arbitration. The Binding Arbitrators don't just come in and carve up the baby based on nothing. Arbitrators enforce rules and if two sides are at an impasse, it's highly unlikely that either side would consent to rules that might yield a decision that went against them. So just forget about that idea.

Anyway, the sense I'm getting is that the Producers are still sticking with the idea that the business is hurting and that Writers (and next year, Actors and Directors) simply have to take less. At the same time, the Writers are sticking with the principle that they will not accept rollbacks; won't even accept a status quo deal that does not address several big concerns like New Technologies and Expanded Jurisdiction. So right there, you have all you need for a 24-Karat, accept-no-substitutes Writers Guild Strike.

It would be nice to think the Producers are executing a major fakeout here; that they're signalling that their Final Offer will be really, really bad so it will seem more acceptable when it turns out to only be really bad. That would still probably trigger a strike but maybe not as nasty a strike as the really, really bad offer. I'm afraid though we're in for the latter.

The contract expires Wednesday. Thursday evening, the WGA will convene a huge membership meeting at a location to be determined. If you're a member, watch for the announcement.

John W. Dean makes a good point in an article entitled Government Surveillance Threatens Your Freedom, Even If You Have Nothing To Hide.

That's true. And of course, the other issue in play at the moment is whether anyone should watch the watchmen. Proponents of the Bush-Cheney surveillance plans keep trying to frame the debate as if opponents object to spying on terrorists. But the true objection is to the spying being done without accountability so that no one will know if the spying is done, say, on political opponents. I think someone should be asking the folks pushing the unrestricted spying if they really think the President of the United States, whoever it is at any given moment, should have the unsupervised right to spy on any American for any reason without oversight…and if so, how that jibes with that thing we call The Constitution.

We're probably at least a month or two from hearing the following question asked. But it will be asked and I'm curious to know what the answer will be…

So, Senator McCain, now that you've had to drop out of the race for President, will you be endorsing a Republican nominee who condones and even recommends the use of torture?

Just wondering what he'll say. Just as I wonder if Ron Paul will fall in line behind a G.O.P. nominee who wants to "get the job done" in Iraq and also to ignore all those bothersome Constitutional questions about executive power.

Did you see that thing? I'm talking about the first episode of Phenomenon, which is a new NBC series that debuted the other night…a show that seeks to do for creepy magicians what American Idol did for people who don't sing as well as they think they do. The word "magic" was never uttered, however. The program seems to want to have it both ways. They aren't claiming its participants actually have supernatural abilities because…well, they don't. But the show seems to be sorta/kinda hoping that some viewers will presume that's what is meant and that they can tune in and see actual miracles, live as they occur. The miracle, of course, is that anyone's tuning in at all.

It all raises a debate that has long raged in the magic community: At what point does a trick stop being a trick and become a fraud? Max Maven telling us what card we're thinking of is a magic trick. Sylvia Browne telling you she's communicating with your dead Uncle Henry is a scam. Somewhere between those extremes, there's a very gray, arguable area which I am not prepared to argue here. I just felt I should note that it goes on.

The most amazing thing about Phenomenon is that one of its two judges, Uri Geller, is actually showing his face on television again. The guy is not only firmly in the "scam" category, he isn't very good at it. He has a small repertoire of rather simple tricks and he's something of a joke among real magicians. (Geller is also apparently one of the show's producers.) The other judge, Criss Angel, is more respected and on the first show, he rated the contestants as magicians, even though he couldn't use that noun and had to avoid the topic, which is close to unavoidable when you critique magic acts, of how they did what he did. In a way, Geller and Angel represent the two sides of the argument I just described.

Angel did not seem impressed by any of the acts on the opening show and neither was I. A lot of folks on it were making predictions so I'll make one about Phenomenon. It won't live up to its name and will disappear soon.

Later today, the Boomerang network is showing Alice in Wonderland. Which version? Beats me. About every six weeks, they show something called Alice in Wonderland in their Sunday special slot. Sometimes, it's the 1966 Hanna-Barbera version, which is full of great songs and great guest stars, and since it's never been out on home video, a lot of us want to record a great copy. But sometimes when Boomerang promises Alice in Wonderland, it's the 1995 version that Goodtimes Entertainment released into the home video market, and that's not nearly as interesting. For some reason, the TV listings for both are the same and do not tell you which one is running. So I don't know which one is on later today but it might just be the Hanna-Barbera one. And it might not.

Also: On Monday, most PBS stations will be debuting a new edition of their American Masters series, this one being a profile of Charles Schulz. Sounds like something I'll be recording.

A couple months ago, we brought you a clip of the Spanish language version of the first Laurel and Hardy starring feature, Pardon Us. Today, we have some moments from the German version. Remember that this was not dubbed. After shooting the movie in English, they actually went back and shot foreign versions with Stan and Ollie reading phonetic dialogue off an off-camera blackboard. So here they are speaking German…

Some parts of Southern California are getting a little rain this morning…not much but any moisture may aid in knocking down some fire or preventing another. Even though many spots are still blazing away, there seems to be a feeling that the worst is over, at least for now, and that the firefighters have gained the upper hand. You can sense it as sure as you can smell musty, charred air and see the blurry skies.

I'm quite some distance from any of it. I don't think any of the fires were even in my area code. Still, I know many of the areas and, of course, I know people in or about those areas…and it was just very sad. So, in a different way, are several e-mails I received from people whose attitude towards the victims was that they brought it on themselves by living where they lived, by not living in homes made of different building materials and, of course, by being Rich Hollywood Liberal Phonies. That's true of perhaps a single-digit percentage of those who lost their homes and belongings — especially in parts of Orange County where they're still, one way or another, voting for Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan — but there's no point in explaining that to them. Some people take their schadenfreude where they can get it, and if it means making up or believing nonsense, that's fine by them.

I found it all very depressing and frustrating. The most likely thing that most of the victims did wrong was to not be more demanding that dry brush in their area be cleared away or irrigated. We can't stop the Santa Ana winds or the arsonists, nor can we eliminate forever downed power lines. But it would be really maddening to think we couldn't do better at the aspects we can control. One of the main things that has soured me on the Iraq War — even more so than the ever-shifting rationales for it — are those stats on things we're not doing here like increased port security and mopping up after Katrina and more health care for uninsured kids. It's particularly upsetting when it seems to be no big deal if a billion or three earmarked for The War slips through the cracks and just disappears. One question I'd like to see put to all who would be President is: "Will you swear that if elected, you will vigorously investigate fraud and corruption in the spending of money allocated for the war, and prosecute those who have engaged in such practices or overlooked them?"

Even if we weren't being robbed of money we could use to help out needy folks (as Liberals would advocate) or use to lower taxes (as Conservatives would like), I can't see any argument for tolerating all the theft and corrupt accounting and war profiteering. But I'll bet no one will do anything about it, no matter how many Californias burn or Louisianas flood.

What's it like to be a guest on Stephen Colbert's show? Paul Glastris describes his experiences.