Ray Arthur sent me to this. It's a brief online survey/game where you enter your positions on key issues and it tells you which of the presidential candidates is closest to your way of thinking. These things are always a bit flawed in that, first of all, you have to answer multiple choice questions in which none of the choices may reflect your view. Also of course, they don't take into account whether you believe the candidate will really do anything about the issue where he or she says the things you want to hear. But it's not a bad little exercise. In my case, all of the Democrats were pretty much tied for my affections, followed by Ron Paul, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and on down. Fred Thompson and Mike Huckabee were tied for last place but even there, they matched me on a couple of issues. And nobody matched me on everything.

Wanna see photos of presidential candidates holding a baby? I mean, if you can't hold a baby, you have no business running for the highest office in our land, right? Darren Garnick managed to get her toddler photographed with each of the Oval Office Seekers except for Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel. Frankly, if I had a five month old daughter, I wouldn't hand her to Fred Thompson. He might try to marry her.

Bill Maher came back on the air last evening and closed his broadcast with a brief criticism of the leadership and mood of the Writers Guild strike. I've received a number of e-mails asking me to explain what he was talking about and I'm not being coy or cute when I say I haven't the foggiest. I'm guessing he had a private conversation or perhaps more than one with someone in the WGA leadership that displeased him, and perhaps rightly so. I don't know.

He was complaining about dissent within the Guild being suppressed or treated like treason and I have to say that would be news to me. I've been out on the picket lines and I've been at the public meetings. I haven't seen Bill Maher in any of those places but I've been there. The criticisms I've heard have been pretty mild or vague…nothing really worth stifling if you were on a mission to close down dissident points of view. Even with hindsight at their disposal, the folks who usually leap to say "We should have done something else" seem hard-pressed to say what that something else might have been. At least, that's my sense of it.

But this is the Age of the Internet. It's hard to shut people up, especially if they're writers. If there were a lot of members unhappy with the WGA leadership, there'd be hundreds of weblogs up that expressed that sentiment. Have you seen many? I haven't. I see a few forums here and there laden with anonymous messages, some from people who claim to be WGA members…and — who knows? — some of them may actually be WGA members. But I can't point you to an article or website where a lot of prominent writers are expressing any kind of unhappiness with how the strike has been waged. Members are unhappy but they're unhappy with Nick Counter and the CEOs who have been standing firm on about half an offer than no union could accept. At the same time, they're refusing to meet with us to discuss the other half and maybe improve the part we said wasn't good enough, the part about Internet Moola.

So that's what I have to say about Maher's comments; that I haven't heard whatever he's heard. Before the weekend is out, I'm going to try to write a little piece here about the DGA negotiations and where they might take us. It'll be guardedly optimistic but with a few big ifs in there.

I could never vote for Ron Paul. He's said too many things in the past about race and poor people and about the responsibility (or lack, thereof in his view) of people to care for one another that I find inhumane and even impractical. I also think he's one of those people who calls himself a Strict Constructionalist but that means he's found ways to argue that his prejudices were Thomas Jefferson's prejudices.

That said, I admire the guy for getting up in front of audiences and not telling them what they want to hear and for raising questions that politicians of all stripes would rather not discuss. I think he contributes a lot to the national debate by talking about things like our proper role in world affairs and the proper role of government in our lives. You don't have to agree with someone to be glad he's out there giving his views.

I'm not going to embed it because it's a little over an hour long but I thought I'd tell you about this interview he did up at Google last year. No matter who you're supporting in the coming election, I'd be surprised if you couldn't find something Paul says that you wish your candidate would say. You'll also find plenty of reasons why Dr. Paul isn't going to get the Republican nomination.

There's something comforting when you go to the CNN webpage and the headline is "O.J. SIMPSON BACK IN CUSTODY." It's just so reassuring in this hectic world of ours that some things don't change.

This comfort is partially offset by my bewilderment. There are some people in this world who just seem to wake up each morning and think, "How can I really screw my life up today?"

My favorite example is Mike Tyson on June 28, 1997. Tyson must have felt pretty good that morning. He was out of prison and people were forgetting about the rape conviction that had put him in there. He was losing the image of a psychotic, violent animal and starting to receive lucrative offers for endorsements and merchandising. He was reconciling with some of his children. And that night, he was to receive $30 million for fighting Evander Holyfield, and he stood a good chance of retaking the Heavyweight Championship, which would lead to even more money and glory.

My theory is that he got up that morning, reviewed his life and wondered, "What's the stupidest thing I can do tonight?"

I imagine him sitting there, pondering that question, maybe even calling up some friends to ask for suggestions.

One of them tells him, "Well, maybe if you got caught betting on the fight tonight…"

"No, no," Tyson says. "Then I wouldn't be thought of as a violent psycho. I need to ruin my personal image, as well and I want one thing, one action that will destroy everything good that's happening in my life."

The friend thinks and then says, "Well, this is kind of weird…"

"Go on, go on," Tyson says.

"Well, this just popped into my head but what if during the fight, you bite the other guy's ear off?"

"What?"

"Think about it. First of all, you'd lose the fight right there…plus you'd lose or at least they'd suspend your boxing license. I mean, the one thing you can do, you wouldn't be able to do anymore. You'd forfeit a few million of your purse in fines, all those endorsement deals would go away, everyone think you were criminally insane…"

"That's it! That's the thing," Tyson yells. "It's brilliant! I bite his ear off!"

It's the only possible explanation. And O.J. Simpson must have decided that he hasn't had enough mug shots, hasn't done enough jail time to convince every last person in the world that he's criminally insane. Frankly, I don't think a bail violation's going to do it. I think he's going to have to kill again.

Yacov Freedman suggests that the funniest Hollywood gravestone is Jack Lemmon's. I still vote for Merv.

Merv Griffin may not have been the funniest person who ever appeared on television…but he came up with what may be the funniest headstone of all time.

As I think I mentioned here, I have suddenly turned into an instructor. Beginning in the new semester (which starts next week), I am teaching a course entitled Writing Humor: Literary and Dramatic for the Master of Professional Writing program at the University of Southern California. The class is full and has a wait list so I'm not mentioning that to solicit students; just to tell you why I may not be posting here as much once it commences.

I am also teaching a half-day class in San Francisco on February 25 which is for actors who do or want to do voices for animation. I'll be telling them whatever I know about the craft (most of which I learned from the late/great Daws Butler) and directing students in scenes. This will be at a school/studio called Voice One and I believe there are still some openings. This link will take you to their listing for my class.

I'm also dickering to teach a one-time seminar in Los Angeles which will be called something like Professional Writing: How to Manage a Career. At least, there's a school that thinks I'm somehow qualified for the task and has requested that I do so. Watch this space for an announcement if this one happens.

Hey, you remember Mystery Science Theater 3000, the show that could make a mockery of any movie better than Skidoo. Well, many of the folks behind that wonderful enterprise have reassembled and are now plying their heckling skills in a series of DVD commentary tracks. They're calling the new venture Cinema Titanic and their first release should be out by now. Go to their blog for all the details. We're quite happy about this.

The subject of scabbing during the WGA strike is an emotional sore spot. The New Republic decided that they needed a piece that would address this topic and they asked me to write it. And so I did.

On their home page, by the way, they have its link next to a photo of Stephen Colbert. I did not select this or any photo.

Here's the funniest thing you may find on the 'net for some time: A newspaper ad showing that Paramount Pictures ran Skidoo in Los Angeles "for Academy Award consideration." Actually, I'm a little puzzled about this since all my sources say the movie was released on December 2, 1968, which would have allowed plenty of time to qualify for the Oscars without a special engagement. Perhaps that date is when the special engagement began and the general release came early in '69. Either way, it received no nominations. I wonder why.

This ad was taken with permission from Gabriel Neeb's great webpage, San Diego Cinema. Usually, it features great old movie ads from that area but Gabriel couldn't resist an ad from Los Angeles because of the Skidoo box. The Crest Theater was one of my old hangouts. In fact, it's where I saw the movie Penelope, which we discussed back here.

If you go over to Gabriel's page, you'll see the whole listing for the Loews chain that week. Oliver is premiering at the Beverly. I took my girl friend of the time there (her name was Lynne) to see that movie a few weeks later. We went to dinner that evening at what was then my favorite Chinese restaurant, a place called Wan-Q, which I wrote about over on this page. Wan-Q is long gone but my current favorite Chinese restaurant, Fu's Palace, is in its old building. The Beverly Theater (which you can see here) closed in 1977 and was converted into a bank and a jewelry store. It was recently demolished along with most of that block.

After the movie, Lynne and I walked down to a Wil Wright's ice cream parlor that was on Beverly, a block south of Wilshire. Wil Wright's is also long gone and I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Old movie theater ads tend to send my memory into overdrive.