I'm chatting intermittently with a PayPal service rep who's smart, eager to help and has no idea how to solve this problem. She keeps putting me on hold and then going away to get help. So far, this new call has lasted 30 minutes.
Not On Hold
Disconnected. Lovely.
On Hold
As I'm waiting here for the PayPal people to find someone there with an I.Q. over room temperature, I've been reading this statement on my screen, which is from a "security" page I can't get past because of this account number snafu…
For your security, PayPal will never ask you to re-enter your full bank account, credit, or debit card number without providing you at least the LAST TWO DIGITS of the number. These digits let you know that we already know the full number and are asking you for the rest of it. Beware of any website or email asking for these numbers for "verification" that does not PROVE that it knows the number by providing at least the last two digits.
That seems odd to me…the suggestion that if someone knows the last two digits of my account number, I should presume they have the full number and it's okay for me to then give that full number to them for verification. Spam/Phisher people send out bogus e-mails, pretending to be my bank or PayPal or credit card company, by the zillions. There are 100 possible combinations of the last two digits. So if they send out 1,000,000 e-mails that say, "We know the last two digits of your account number are 33," they're going to be right around 10,000 times. That's 10,000 people who, if they follow PayPal's advice, will then give their entire account number to these people. That's probably a better rate of return than the Spammers get on most of their fraudulent offers.
Closing in on one hour and thirty minutes. The Marx Brothers made movies that lasted less time than this call. And made more sense.
On Hold
I am still waiting for that person. One hour and seventeen minutes.
On Hold
She came back on the line and suggested that I hang up with her, call my bank and get them to verify my checking account number. I said, "I have my checking account number. I'm reading it right off one of my checks. My problem here is that your version of my checking account number doesn't match what my bank says it is." I finally asked her — in nicer language — to forward my call to someone smarter. I am waiting for that person. One hour, eleven minutes.
On Hold
Okay, someone finally came on line and I found that Tech Support had referred me back to the same department I started with. I got a customer service representative who doesn't understand the problem, no matter how I explain it. I was about to ask, "Could you forward my call to someone smarter?" but she put me back on hold, which is where I now am. One hour and five minutes.
On Hold
Just went to the bathroom and came back to the same cheezy hold music and announcements. 57 minutes. I'm answering e-mail while I wait but still, this is a colossal waste of time.
On Hold
Okay, Tech Support can't help. The problem seems to be that when I originally signed up for my PayPal account, I verified by linking to one of my checking accounts. But the bank that handles that checking account has changed the form of their account numbers. They now add some leading zeroes. Ergo, when PayPal asks me to enter my checking account number, it doesn't exactly match the number they have on file…nor can anyone figure out how to work around this. I am now back on hold, waiting for another department. 41 minutes.
On Hold
The human being came back on the line to inform me that he couldn't help me. He's forwarding my call to Technical Support. So I'm back on hold again, this time waiting for someone new. Coming up on thirty-eight minutes.
On Hold
Thirty-one minutes. I've had paying jobs that didn't last this long.
On Hold
Ah! A human answers the phone. I tell him what the problem is. He says, "Do you mind if I place you on hold?" I ask, "Do I have a choice?" He says, "Not really," so I am now back on hold, hearing those same messages again. 25 minutes since I initiated this call.
On Hold
22 minutes and counting.
On Hold
MARK'S PAYPAL ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!
I'm trying to clear up a small (I hope) problem with my PayPal account. Their online "help" feature is of no help so I called the service phone number. According to the little call timer on my telephone, I have now been on hold for 14 minutes. Every thirty seconds, a recorded voice tells me that they're experiencing "an unusually high call volume" and I should be patient but, better still, I should consult the online help service. Let's see how long it takes me to get to a real human being.
Bigger Than a Breadbox
As you probably know, the entire staff and management of this website (i.e., me) is a big fan of certain old game shows, including the classic What's My Line? As of last evening, I am also a big fan of the new What's My Line?
What's that? You didn't know there was a new What's My Line? You want to know what channel it's on? Well, it isn't on any channel. It's a weekly (every Wednesday evening) live show at the Acme Comedy Theater in Hollywood. Host J. Keith van Straaten, who some of you might know from the Beat the Geeks series, picks up the mantle of the late John Daly. He can't compete with Daly in convoluted explanations of obscure technical points but in every other capacity, he's as good or better.
He and his crew have put together a highly professional and entertaining version of the old show with celebrity panelists and genuine Mystery Guests. Last night, the panelists were author Jonathan Ames, actresses Mink Stole and Rachael Harris, and comic actor Gary Anthony Williams. Mr. Williams was especially funny as he and the others guessed (or in two cases, failed to guess) the contestants. The first was a man who made toilet seats. The second was a lady who taught others to speak Tibetan. And the third was a woman who plays the Chinese Zither, and who treated us to a lovely demonstration of the instrument. Lots of fun.
But it was when we got to the Mystery Guest(s) spot that things exploded. The panelists donned blindfolds and out came the host of Let's Make a Deal, Monty Hall, accompanied by the lovely Carol Merrill, who modelled prizes on that show. Two game show legends! The audience (and Mr. van Straaten) could not have been more thrilled, and after Gary Williams guessed who it was, J. Keith conducted a good, amusing Q-and-A spot with Hall and Merrill. Unlike the TV version, the show isn't crammed into a half hour minus commercials. Since van Straaten's a pretty good interviewer, the time is put to good use.
You can learn all about upcoming shows over at this website. As you'll see, my buddy Len Wein is an occasional guest panelist, having first gone on the show as a contestant. Even when he's not on stage, Len is there almost every week and this time, he got me to go with him and his lovely spouse, Chris. He told me I'd have a great time and he did not oversell it. If you go over the next few months, you may see me there.
Danny Simon, R.I.P.
There are two great stories about Danny Simon, the veteran comedy writer who just passed away. Well, actually, there are probably a lot more than two. Danny was a major force on TV variety shows of the fifties and sixties, and I even worked on one with him in the late seventies. He was also a director and a teacher of comedy writing, and the inspiration for the Felix Unger character in The Odd Couple, and a frantic, little man who was always hustling and selling. So there are probably a lot more than two, but I always loved these…
Danny Simon Story #1: Danny is going to visit his mother. This is some time in the sixties after another of the Simon kids has made a pretty big name for himself on Broadway. Danny walks in and finds his mother entertaining some of her friends. His mother says, "Girls…I want you to meet Neil's brother."
Danny Simon Story #2: Danny is working on some TV show. This is also some time in the sixties, long after he and Neil are no longer working as a team. The producer of the show decides to fire Danny, telling him his work is no good. Danny protests the decision, arguing that his work is very good. He says, "I'm the funniest writer in the business." The producer looks at him and says, "You aren't even the funniest writer in your family."
You might be interested to know where I heard those stories. I heard them from Danny. I'm sure he didn't like being the butt of a joke but he had a great appreciation for a funny story. Early in my career, I worked for him for a few days before he got fired as Head Writer and his replacement made a clean sweep of the staff, ousting me. I found him intractable, dominating and intent on lecturing everyone about the way to do things, which in his case meant only the way they'd done things in the fifties. Still, I liked him very much. He liked the fact that I'd seen and loved a then-recent production he'd directed of Plaza Suite starring Carol Burnett and George Kennedy, and that I'd noted how many gags he'd added with his staging. He also liked that I'd read and enjoyed a little-known play of his called The Convertible Girl, and he gave me a Xerox copy of an early draft so I could see how diligently he had tweaked and refined every line in it over the course of several "tryout" productions.
Danny was said to be the master of the evolving pitch. That's when you try to sell someone on a storyline or idea and, based on a lack of approving recognition, you start modifying the idea on-the-fly. It goes something like this: "So this is a western…well, it's not really a western. It's set on the west coast…or I guess it could be set on the east coast if you prefer. Anyway, the hero is six feet tall…but of course, he could be five feet tall…he could even be a woman…" The idea is that you keep changing until the buyer smiles at something. I even saw Danny do this once at lunch, trying to come up with an order that the waitress would think was a good choice. He went from a corned beef sandwich to a Chinese chicken salad in about 80 seconds.
He knew comedy. He taught comedy. For years, all the local trade journals carried ads for his workshops, with quotes from Woody Allen and brother Neil attesting to Danny's ability to instill great comedy writing talent in anyone. I never took his classes but I knew people who did and they found them valuable, if only for the anecdotes. Danny had worked with everyone. I think the main reason he got fired off that show we worked on was that some of us were too appreciative an audience for his stories so he entertained us instead of putting that energy into the script.
I suspect that, now that he doesn't have to worry about upsetting Danny, Neil is going to pull some half-finished play out of a drawer and finish it. Danny turns up in many of Neil's plays, not just as Felix but as every older brother, starting with Come Blow Your Horn, which was Neil's first. But I'm sure there were aspects of Danny that were too sensitive and perhaps too painful to address. It can't be easy to mentor your little brother and watch him pass you to become the most successful playwright of the century. No one ever lost a bout of sibling rivalry so decisively but with such good humor.