Rarely having time to cook, I love pre-packaged, instant, so-simple-a-chowderhead-could-do-it products.  Mostly, it's a matter of scheduling.  When I decide it's time to eat, I don't want to start cooking then; I want the food done and ready to devour.  This is why I like Express Bake PotatOH!s.  These are pre-scrubbed taters that come sealed in plastic.  You just stick them in your microwave for 7-8 minutes.  By the time you set the table and wash your mitts, the thing is edible.  But that's not the main thing I like about them.  I like one line in the teeny instruction manual that comes with each one.  It says — and this is a direct quote — "PotatOH! may whistle in microwave."

Wouldn't that be wonderful?  Wouldn't you love to have your potato whistle a happy little tune while it's baking?  Maybe a chorus of, "I Only Have Eyes For You."  So far, none of the ones I've microwaved have whistled for me but I'm going to keep cooking them until one does.

Shooting up the charts   Mad Art has jumped another 12,000 places at Amazon — this, during a 24 hour period where it's been listed as not coming out until 1969.  It's currently at #55,256.

But with my luck, it won't last.  Any day now, they'll list it as Available.  Then watch my sales plummet.

For some time, Warner Brothers has had the following unofficial policy regarding the casting of voices for the classic characters they own.  To the extent possible, they try to hire the originator of the voice.  When that person becomes unavailable — usually, because they've died — the role is up for grabs, and various crannies of Time-Warner have cast various folks for various projects.  At least eight different actors have spoken for Bugs Bunny since Mel Blanc passed away, and it has not been uncommon for one guy to be doing that Wascally Wabbit for a TV cartoon while someone else is doing him for a commercial and someone else is doing him for a videogame.  To make matters more complicated, some of those actors have more than one interpretation of the same voice.  One of the many performers who plays Daffy Duck has had to develop four different approaches — one based on the early, screwy Daffy; one based on the greedy Daffy of the "Duck Season/Rabbit Season" era; one more like what Mel did in the sixties, and one that more or less splits these differences to create an amalgam.  "When I work for one division, they want Version A," he explains.  "Another division insists that Version B is the way The Duck ought to sound, and so on."

Sources inside WB tell me that this practice is ending; that they're in the process of zeroing in on a "one character, one voice" actor policy.  Until they get it perfected, the classic WB and Hanna-Barbera characters will continue to be played by a wider list of actors than has tackled Macbeth.

At least three men have provided the sounds of Scooby Doo since his original voice, Don Messick, died in 1997.  The recent theatrical feature had the pooch done by an Australian actor named Neil Fanning, about whom I know nothing.  The current TV series has a Scooby voiced by Frank Welker, who has also been the voice of Fred since the first Scooby Doo show in 1969.  Most of the mutt's other appearances have come to us through the vocal cords of a Louisiana-based disc jockey, Scott Innes.

Scott is an amazing talent and, as I say in the foreword to his autobiography, he does an uncanny facsimile of Mr. Messick's mutterings.  He has also occasionally done the voice of Shaggy when its originator, Casey Kasem, couldn't or wouldn't.  (The story is that Mr. Kasem, a firm vegetarian, declined to venture near Shaggy during the time the character was appearing in commercials for Burger King.  Casey is back on the new series.)  Scott also did the voice of Scrappy Doo in the Scooby Doo feature, deftly bridging the gap between Scrappy's two voices (by Lennie Weinrib and then Messick).  Most of the time, being in another state would disqualify a voice actor from working for the Hollywood studios, but Innes is that good.

Anyway, this is a plug for that autobiography.  It's a slim, easy-to-read volume, profusely illustrated, that will answer many of the basic questions about what it's like to be a voice actor (and a disc jockey).  At the moment, it's available only at www.scottinnes.com, but that's okay because if you buy it there, Scott will autograph your copy.  And while you're there, browse around, look at the pictures, even listen to some clips from his radio show.  I like Scott, if for no other reason than that he restores my faith in America.  It's a great country where any young man can grow up to be a Great Dane…

Take a look at this article in today's New York Times by Nicholas D. Kristof.  It's called "The Secret War on Condoms" and here's the premise: Our government is increasingly taking the position that condoms are not foolproof and therefore should not be used.  This somewhat ties in with the Joe Bob Briggs article to which I linked a few days ago.  What is it with people who think you can legislate the horniness right out of other people…or at least get them to pretend they're celibate?  (Years ago, we had a right-wing state senator in California who used to insist celibacy was easy — after all, he noted, priests practice it.  Somehow, I don't think that example would work these days…)  Also relevant may be this article in today's Los Angeles Times, which describes an epidemic of sexually-transmitted diseases — including The Big A — in the adult film industry.

Kenneth Plume is a terrific interviewer and a fine, perceptive media critic, as you well know if you frequent IGN FilmForce.  I appreciate his enthusiastic recommendation of Mad Art (on this page) but I don't know why he's pushing a book that won't be out until the end of 1969.

In the meantime, reader Tim Madigan writes to tell me, "I have indeed ordered your book but I'm now worried that when it arrives I'll only be 7 years old and unable to understand it."  The way I write, Tim, that's never a concern.

For some reason, among websites devoted to classic comedians, some of the best and most industrious ones seem to be those devoted to The Three Stooges.  I was thinking this as I was fiddling around with www.stoogeworld.com, which is still a work-in-progress but has much to recommend it.  I've often felt that we like most timeless clowns because of their films and — assuming we like the Stooges — we like the Stooges almost in spite of their films.  As I grow older, I am more aware of the craft and care that went into the making of the works of Laurel and Hardy, Keaton, the Brothers Marx, etc.

And I am more aware of how all-fired cheap most of the Stooges' shorts were, especially the later ones which relied on reused footage.  A lot of them were, literally, a case of filming just enough footage so that the producers could edit it into an old short and pass the result off as new.  This way, they saved enough funds to occasionally do something wholly original…but not very.  You can also save money on writing by recycling old material.

Back when I watched them on Channel 11 in the early sixties, the prints were bad and the films were often hacked into near-incoherence so that two could be fit in a half-hour, along with the host's segments, plus endless commercials for Maggio-brand carrots, Bosco chocolate syrup and Mr. Bubble bubble bath — a tasty combination, by the way.  A couple times, without (I assume) realizing it, Channel 11 ran a double-feature of two Stooges shorts, one of which was a close remake of the other.  It was like sitting through the same film twice but with a change of Third Stooge.

I guess I just kind of assumed that the cheapness of the proceedings and the endless repetitions and the bad, splice-filled prints were not the Stooges' fault.  My assumption was that Stan and Ollie were actors playing dumb but that Moe, Larry and Curly [or Shemp or Joe Besser] really were a band of knuckleheads.  As such, it was almost like, "Well, the Stooges weren't smart enough to have been responsible."  So even when their films were crummy, we liked them — enough to keep their names and fame alive today, even on the Internet.  How ironic that the lowest-I.Q. comics of them all should be so well represented on a computer network.

David Feldman points out to me that dozens of other books at Amazon are currently listed as, "This title will be released on December 31, 1969."  This pisses me off.  Not only are they copying my marketing strategy but, when 12/31/69 rolls around and all our books come out at the same time…

Mr. Feldman, by the way, is the author of the wonderful "Imponderables" series of books.  In each, he asks questions that probably never occurred to you but which cause you to say, "Hey, why is that?"  And then — even better — he answers them for you.  You can find out more about this over at his site, which I don't have to tell you but I will is www.imponderables.com.  (Hey, Dave — how come I keep hearing that people who need to reach me on real business couldn't locate my e-mail address…but hundreds of nephews of wealthy Nigerian refugees have no trouble finding it?)

The Daily Howler is one of my favorite websites.  Not quite every day, Bob Somerby points out some particular ineptness or dishonesty in the news.  Today's is a particularly bold, funny example.

Better hurry!   Amazon has changed the listing for my new book, Mad Art, from "Not yet published" to "This title will be released on December 31, 1969.  You may order it now and we will ship it to you when it arrives."

Apparently, the news that you have a negative 12,416 days to wait has had a good impact on sales.  In the past 24 hours, I've vaulted into 67,739th place in their sales ranking, bounding past another 8,000 books.  (In the meantime, Comic Books and Other Necessities of Life has dropped from #89,480 to #95,533, again proving that the more available an Evanier book seems to be, the worse it does.)

In the meantime, Barnes and Noble says Mad Art came out in October of last year.  This worries me.  Even though they claim it's out of stock, the mere suggestion that it may actually have been published is likely to scare off buyers.

As mentioned earlier on this site, Stan Freberg and his lovely spouse Hunter will be presenting "An Evening With Stan Freberg" from January 28 through February 1 at Feinstein's at the Regency, a rather swank Manhattan nitery.  Last night and the night before, Stan and Hunter "road-tested" the show with invitational performances up at the Magic Castle.  Animation expert Jerry Beck went to Tuesday night's show and his report is posted here.  As you can see, he says it ran two and a half hours and left the audience wanting more.  I went Wednesday evening and took in the "cut down" version which was closer to 90 minutes.  So we really left wanting more.

Stan sings — in surprisingly good voice — and tells wonderful anecdotes about his days as a cartoon voice actor and on Time for Beany.  He recreates several of his hit comedy records, in some cases playing all the roles, including those originally done by Peter Leeds, Daws Butler and even June Foray.  He shows TV commercials he produced and tells wonderful stories about their invention.  If you're anywhere near New York and can make it, you'll have a wonderful time, spending an hour or two with a brilliant man.  The number to call for reservations at Feinstein's is (212) 339-4095, and I guess I should warn you that the place is small and the prices are not.  But, hey.  It's Stan Freberg.

I don't understand this at all…and don't bother trying to explain it to me because I probably won't understand your explanation.  Less than two weeks ago, my book — Comic Books and Other Necessities of Life — was #1,242,840 in the sales ranking at Amazon, and they had two copies left.  At this moment, the book is #89,480.  That's a hell of a jump.  I leapfrogged ahead of more than a million other books.  How many copies can they have sold in that time?

I can look up how many were purchased by folks who went there via the links on this site, and it tells me that, since 12/28/02, they sold a grand total of three copies that way.  I kinda doubt there was a huge run on it by people who didn't go there via my links…but who knows?

In the meantime, they still say Mad Art is not yet published and it's at #75,119.  This means I'm doing better with the book that's not out yet than I am with the one you can actually buy.  I wonder how well a book by me would sell if we promised to never publish it.  Stephen King, watch your ass.

I have it on reliable authority that my new book, Mad Art, is in stock at Amazon.Com, even if their website still says it's "not yet published."  That will change in a day or so, I am told.  You can order this splendid volume — a look at all the major artists who've contributed to a half-century of MAD Magazine — by clicking on these underlined words.  If you're thinking of ordering Ann Coulter's new book instead, remember: Mine has a lot more pictures and is almost as funny.

• Dead on the Money by by Richard Cohen, Washington Post
• Fool Me Twice by William Saletan, Slate

We have occasionally plugged chanteuse extraordinaire Shelly Goldstein, who's been singing at the finer clubs in Los Angeles.  Next week, as Playbill reports here, she takes London by storm.

Daniel Frank (aka Captain Spaulding) sends this link to an article that strives to explain the mysterious sales rankings over at Amazon-dot-com.  And I was right: I still don't understand it.

Back in 1984, an unemployed air conditioning repairman and ice cream truck driver named Michael Larson went on the CBS daytime game show, Press Your Luck.  By studying and figuring out the patterns of the show's game board, he managed to clean them out of a whopping $110,237.  The competition ran so long, it had to be broken up and aired over two days (the only time that happened on that program) and yielded one of the most memorable occurrences in game show history.  Host Peter Tomarken (pictured above) was as astonished as anyone.

CBS was disgusted and/or embarrassed over the incident.  They downplayed the whole extravaganza and declined to rerun it.  Game Show Network has been reairing old Press Your Lucks but, though a friend over there assured me they would soon air Mr. Larson's moment of triumph, they've been skipping over those shows.  Finally though, you'll get to see them March 16 when GSN debuts a two-hour documentary on the incident, which will include both episodes along with interviews with folks involved in the show.  Here's a link to an article with more details.

Think you have it tough?   Check out this article in The New York Times (part one of three) on employees at a foundry in Texas, and what they must endure: Barbaric working conditions, killer hours and, of course, the occasional death or amputation.  You'd like to believe this kind of thing doesn't exist any longer in this country, so it's pretty jarring to learn that it does.