Here's the premise: What if Michael Jackson's "Thriller" had been recorded in the thirties? Wayne Brady and Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox answer that musical question…

A man in Greenbelt, Maryland is concerned about the rise of anti-Semitism in this country and he's come up with an interesting way to fight back against it: By showing Three Stooges movies.

This post originally ran here on October 8, 2012. And no, I'm still not going to tell you who the Big Time TV Star is…

Back when my mother worked at that high-priced gourmet grocery store in Beverly Hills, they charged twice as much for their meat as Ralphs Market…but the meat, she said, was not twice as good. Where it really got pricey though is if you wanted the market to cook it for you. They had stoves on the premises and if you wanted, say, a roast turkey, you could buy it raw there for a high price or buy it cooked for about thrice as much. Not a lot of folks did…but there was a Big Time TV Star (the lead actor on a popular primetime series) who apparently loved the food there. Almost every day, someone from his staff would order a cooked turkey or a cooked prime rib or a cooked something plus a number of Stouffers frozen side dishes.

Folks who worked in the store were amazed at the frequency and extravagance of these orders. "That guy must be making a fortune on that show of his," they'd say. His monthly bills were in the many thousands of dollars. Everyone who worked at the market knew about this because the butcher would tell them, "I'm doing a pork roast for the Big Time TV Star." (They referred to him by name, of course. I am withholding it here.)

One day, the Big Time TV Star came into the store himself. He had ordered a fancy gift basket that would be presented to a friend and he wanted to add an item to it. It was a very valuable antique teddy bear that apparently would mean a lot to the recipient. The Big Time TV Star brought the bear in himself and since he was the store's best customer, his order would be wrapped by the best gift-wrapper in the store and probably the city, my mother. He took it back to her little work area, explained to her what he wanted and asked if she could do it while he waited so he could take it with him. She said "Certainly" and offered him a seat.

As she arranged the teddy bear amidst rare cheeses, crackers and small bottles of spirits, the Big Time TV Star chatted amiably with her. He remarked how well the store treated him. She replied with something about how that was logical, given how much he spent there. He allowed as how, yes, he did spend an awful lot. "Some months, I can't believe how high my bill from here is," he said.

My mother turned to him and said, "This is none of my business I suppose…but wouldn't it be cheaper for you to hire a chef?"

"I have a chef," the Big Time TV Star replied. "A very fine one. He trained at Le Cordon Bleu and he's won many cooking awards."

My mother was a bit worried she'd get fired for what she was about to say…but she looked about and none of the management team was around. She told the B.T.T.S., "We're cooking all your food here. Your chef or someone at your home calls up and orders it that way." She later told me the gent looked skeptical, then thoughtful, then worried. "Excuse me," he said and went to find the manager.

In the manager's office, he went over his recent bills and got all the abbreviations translated. Sure enough, it looked like the graduate of Le Cordon Bleu had not cooked a dinner in years, if ever. Not unless you counted the Stouffers side dishes he heated up to serve along with the store-prepared entrees. It turned out the chef's culinary skills did not extend much beyond the frozen foods. The police determined he'd never been anywhere near Le Cordon Bleu after they arrested him for fraud, theft and Impersonating a Gourmet Cook.

A few weeks later, the Big Time TV Star came into the store again and slipped my mother a big tip. He and she didn't want the management to know about it because…well, they weren't all that happy that the Big Time TV Star's purchasing had suddenly dropped from thousands a month to a few hundred. That happened after he hired a chef who actually cooked the meals.

That's really all there is to this story but you probably want to the know who the Big Time TV Star was. Well, I'm not going to tell you but I will let you in on the irony. You know that popular prime-time network TV show he starred in? Well, on it he played a detective.

Some detective. Didn't even realize his cook couldn't cook.

Not that this will change anyone's mind about abortion but as Eric Levitz notes, "…there is not a single state in the union where a majority of voters support making abortion illegal in all circumstances."

This is not to suggest that there is anything that will change most folks' mind about abortion. Showing them facts may be among the most futile forms of persuasion.

From 60 Minutes Australia, we have this portrait of Steve Martin and Martin Short and how much they love each other…

One thing you've gotta say for this Administration: There's always something new to get outraged and/or worried about. That's why I dismiss people who talk about the next presidential election and the issues that will dominate it as if we have a clue what they'll be. We don't even know what the main issues will be a week from tomorrow.

All of a sudden, we're talking about War with Iran…and of course, Trump seems to be on all sides of that issue. He wants it, he doesn't want it…the only thing he's consistent about is that if it happens, he will be tougher and more victorious than any other leader who's ever gone to war in the history of mankind. I think he thinks that to win any confrontation, you don't have to be rational or smart or even know what the battle's about. You just have to keep talking about how tough you are.

I don't care if he says he doesn't want that war. I won't be convinced he doesn't until he gets rid of John Bolton who is to war and regime change what Cookie Monster is to ginger snaps and snickerdoodles. So we'd better know what we'd be getting into even if Donald doesn't. Here's Fred Kaplan who does seem to know.

This ran here on October 6, 2012…

As I've mentioned, my mother (Dorothy Evanier) worked for several years at Jurgensen's Market, a Beverly Hills establishment that sold mostly-imported foods at prices that would send Mitt Romney scurrying to Food4Less. We used to joke that each week, she could either take home her paycheck or a can of olives.

She ran the gift-wrapping department in the back and over the years, trained dozens if not hundreds of young women in that fine art. My mother could take decorative paper and ribbons and wrap a turd so you'd be thrilled to receive it. When the most important of the Really, Really Rich people ordered gifts sent from Jurgensen's, the order-taker would often write "Dorothy Wrap" on the little order-routing slip. That meant that my mother was to handle that present herself.

The teen-age (mostly) girls who worked for her loved her and twice, she picked out ones she thought I'd get along with and extolled the wonders of perhaps dating her son, the TV writer. Her efforts led to two awkward, not-to-be-repeated dinners. One of the women was really only interested in seeing if I could hurriedly arrange for my profession to also be her profession without, of course, her having to do anything. The other lost interest in me when she found out that I not only didn't like to get high but that I'd never done it and never would. Still, I appreciated my mother's advocacy and that she wasn't trying to find me a wife; just someone I'd enjoy being with.

She and the girls worked in a back room at Jurgensen's where every day, celebrities shopped. They all, my mother included, wanted to see the celebrities so a code system was instituted. In the main part of the store, there were clerks and salespersons and the folks who manned the meat counter and bakery. If a real big star was on the premises, one of the employees there would get on the P.A. system and say, "Dorothy, would you bring out a J-19?"

There was no such thing as a J-19. There were no items numbered in that form at all. "J-19" was code for "Celebrity shopping in the store." The females in the back room would hear that and everyone would peek out and ogle the star of the moment. Then it was back to the wrap session.

One time, the butcher announced, "Dorothy, would you bring out a J-20?" That code had not been arranged in advance but they all figured that it was his way of saying, "Superstar shopping in the store." Everyone spied…and sure enough, there was Barbra Streisand looking at cucumbers or squeezing cantaloupes or something.

Thereafter, there would be other J-20s along with the J-19s. Every so often, a brief argument would ensue as to whether, say, Carol Burnett was a J-19 or a J-20. The wanna-be TV writer I went out with was outraged when Burt Reynolds was identified as a J-20 because, she said, his last two pictures hadn't done much business. It's a cruel town.

Then one day, one of the wine stewards took to the public address system to ask, "Dorothy, would you bring out a J-21?"

All package-wrapping abruptly ceased. My mother and her charges all knew that meant Super-superstar on the premises…but who might that be? If Barbra Streisand was a J-20, who could possibly top her fame to be worthy of the designation of J-21? My mother told me, "We spent so much time debating who it could be that we almost missed looking to see who it was." When they did, what they saw was not a star but an overweight derelict. A homeless person — perhaps the only one in Beverly Hills — was wandering the aisles. Beverly Hills is the kind of city that would have overweight homeless people.

My mother went up to the steward and said, "Ha-ha, very funny joke." The steward asked, "What do you mean?" She said, "Playing a joke on us, telling us that hobo was a J-21." The steward suggested she take a closer look at that hobo. And just then, he walked right past them so she could. That was when my mother recognized it was Marlon Brando.

That evening, she told me the story. I asked her if everyone in the store agreed that Marlon Brando was a J-21. She said, "The older ones did. But the younger employees…I don't think any of them ever saw A Streetcar Named Desire."

Prepare yourself for nine minutes of show tunes that are sung way too often. Don't thank me. Thank the TheatreUCF Musical Theatre BFA Class of 2019…

Everyone, please stop saying Joe Biden has a "lock" on the Democratic nomination. I doubt that in American history any non-incumbent has ever had a nomination sewed up this far ahead of the conventions…and the world of politics is more volatile than it's ever been. I still wouldn't bet money on Trump being the G.O.P. nominee.

The Broadway revival of My Fair Lady, 97% of which I liked, will close July 7. I think that's somewhat sooner than the theater community expected.

To promote his new book, Howard Stern has done a big interview with Terry Gross of N.P.R. At times, it feels like he's on an apology tour to atone for much of the behavior that made him rich, famous and The King of All Media. While I recognize his skill at mesmerizing an audience, I've never been fond of Mr. Stern's act but still, I find myself somehow disappointed for him describing his old routine as "second grade humor" and offering rationales for it. On this page, you can hear Part One, read excerpts from the transcript or read the whole transcript. This page has Part 2.

With all this talk about a reversal of Roe V. Wade, I'm wondering how many people who support that are under the impression that an overturn would end abortion everywhere.  Not in some states, it wouldn't.

Also, can anyone point me to a real simple, non-slanted website or video that would explain the medical realities of abortion?  As Christina Cauterucci notes, a lot of the lawmakers voting to ban it have no idea how it works and what is humanly possible or impossible.  I think a lot of people — most of them, male — could use some basic explanations. Thanks.

It'll be brief because I think way too much is being said on this topic by men. In fact, I think way too much is being said by people who are interested in the "win" but not particularly in the life of either the child who may be born or the life of the mother who may bring that child into the world. There are many people who care about both of those things but I don't get that they're driving the current efforts.

In my experience, the people who genuinely care about the lives of pregnant women and the children they may birth are horrified at the notion of prosecuting women who abort or just miscarry, and investigating doctors who attend to women who abort or just miscarry. One of my previous physicians once told me, "These people [meaning the anti-abortion crowd] won't be happy until no one wants to be an obstetrician anymore. That'll sure do a lot for the birth of healthy babies."

I have met "pro-life" people who were genuinely compassionate. Along with believing the government should stop abortion, they believe the government should pay for good pre-natal and post-natal care. They also believe those who might engage in sexual acts should have education about and access to contraception. I don't necessarily agree with other things they believe but I wish there were more of those compassionate people in the current debate. It would also be nice to have more people who would listen to actual doctors and to the kind of people — I believe they're called "women" — who can actually get pregnant.

Tim and Harvey…

FactCheck.org says Donald Trump repeated seventeen of his biggest lies over seventeen hours — between 8 PM on May 8 and the end of a press conference at 12:49 PM the following day. That's a pretty amazing achievement when you consider he was asleep for a large part of those seventeen hours. Maybe he's learned how to lie in his sleep.

Donald Trump likes to dismiss his opponents with insulting nicknames…and I must admit that I used to do that too, in a way. Of course, I stopped when I was in about fifth grade.

Lately, he has called Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg "Alfred E. Neuman." Alfred is, of course, the well-known cover boy on MAD magazine. My pal John Ficarra, who not so long ago was the editor of that publication, has something to say about the comparison.

I didn't have anything to say about Doris Day that everyone else wasn't saying but I may have just enough to justify a post here about Tim Conway. I've met a lot of funny people in my life but I can't think of one who was more naturally-funny than Tim Conway. In a way, it's both unfair and appropriate that so many people think of him mainly as "That guy who made Harvey Korman break up laughing on The Carol Burnett Show." It's unfair because those were cheap, easy laughs and Conway was hilarious in so many other ways.

But it's also appropriate because he made just about everyone around him break up laughing, myself included. The few occasions when I spent any amount of time with him, I was laughing and he wasn't even trying. That was just the way he was, the way he talked.

One of our last encounters was at a wake for Chuck McCann's son Sean. The room was full of comedians but you wouldn't have known it from the mood, which was understandably funereal. Laughing out loud was not forbidden but it sure would have seemed indecorous. I got to talking with Tim and it struck me that he was trying real hard not to be funny and not to call attention to himself at a ceremony that was only about Chuck and his family.

And that was clearly hard for Tim Conway…which struck me as funny.

Those sketches on the Burnett show were controversial within the TV community and especially on the staff of that show. At the dress rehearsal, which had a live audience present and was taped, Conway and the others would adhere to the script. Since Korman knew what was coming and it had been rehearsed that way before, he rarely broke up or broke character. Afterwards, Conway would check with the director and ask, "Did you get it?" If the director affirmed he had an airable "straight" version of the sketch, Conway was permitted to screw around during the final taping, adding in things Harvey didn't expect. It usually meant Harvey would be reduced to helpless tears of laughter.

The working premise was that in editing, they'd look at both versions and decide which to air. The nearly-unanimous verdict of the staff was that the first version, where they actually did the script, was a much better sketch by every measure except which one the audience would enjoy more. So they almost always broadcast the second. Gary Belkin, who was one of the show's writers — often a writer on the sketch in question — was constantly pissed about this. He once told me, "It was usually a choice between a well-written sketch and a Bloopers episode and they decided audiences would rather see the Bloopers version."

Belkin added, "The shame of it was that Tim was always better in the first one. People didn't get to see what a great comic actor he was when he wasn't focusing on trying to make Harvey break up."

Of course, Tim Conway showed how good he was in other places. He did movies (including a couple of underrated ones with Don Knotts) and was on other variety shows. He did his Dorf videos and he had an amazing number of TV series: McHale's Navy (1962-1966), Rango (1967), The Tim Conway Show (1970), The Tim Conway Comedy Hour (also 1970), The Tim Conway Show (1980) and Ace Crawford, Private Eye (1983). My then-girlfriend Bridget had a tiny, uncredited-and-usually-cut recurring role on Ace Crawford and I visited the set once. Though the first episode had yet to air, Tim was making jokes about how he hoped this one would last long enough to time a hard-boiled egg.

In addition to the above shows, Tim was in a staggering number of other shows and unsold pilots because everyone thought he was hilarious. They just couldn't figure out how to package it into a TV series.

Then for many years, he toured America with a show that featured Harvey Korman and himself, usually accompanied by a friend of mine, Louise DuArt. Louise would do her stand-up routine and also assume Carol Burnett's roles in sketches recycled from the Burnett program. Conway's company produced and booked most of these shows, renting the halls, managing the publicity and selling Dorf videos and other "merch" in the lobbies. They were wildly successful (and lucrative) and the two I attended were packed with very happy audience members. When Harvey insisted on cutting back and taking it easy, Tim did the shows with Don Knotts and later with Chuck McCann until his own health forced him to take it easy.

The last few years, it's been common knowledge that he was failing. In 2013, I attended an event where he and Carol Burnett chatted and though I tried to say it nicely in the post, it was obvious something was the matter with Tim. A few years ago when he was not present for a big, televised salute to The Carol Burnett Show, you knew he had to be in pretty bad shape.

He was just a little oasis of joy whenever he appeared. I'd close by saying we're going to miss him but we've been missing him for over a decade now. Just a funny, funny man.

Comic-Con International is 64 Days Away!  That's a little less than two months so I'd better start unpacking from last year.  The convention continues to announce Special Guests, many of whom they deem as important to the history of the sprawling beast that is Comic-Con International.  I was announced today along with many others.  More names will follow.

My friend, the talented cartoonist Carol Lay, informs me that the movie Bathtubs Over Broadway — which I raved about here — is now playing on Netflix. Well worth your time.

I linked earlier today to a video of the old song, "Ain't She Sweet?" Jack Lechner tells me something I didn't know; that songwriter Milton Ager wrote it about his newborn daughter Shana. As noted here, Shana grew up to become the noted journalist, Shana Alexander.

Lastly, it looks like I'll be on around ten panels (as moderator or panelist) over the three days of Heroes Con. Those three days are at the Charlotte Convention Center in Charlotte, North Carolina. They're June 14-16 and you can find out more about them over at the con website.