I've been oddly fascinated by the joint train wreck of two businesses that were once among America's top retailers — Sears and Kmart. In 2008, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert decided to rearrange the two companies with a plan, supposedly based on principles stated by Ayn Rand which would lead to new successes and huge profits. Had this worked, we'd be hearing how every business should be run that way but it has not worked. In fact, it's hard to see how it could have worked worse.

If you'd put a Magic 8 Ball in charge of those two companies and just asked it questions and did whatever it told you, Sears and Kmart would probably not be in much worse shape than they are today. I'll go a step further: If they'd put me in charge and I'd made decisions by flipping a coin, the companies might be in better shape. I'd have been right around 50% of the time and that would have been way ahead of the alleged experts here. According to CNBC…

Sears Holdings has contacted banks in recent days to arrange the financing necessary to file for bankruptcy after 125 years in business, people familiar with the situation told CNBC.  The stock plummeted 32 percent, to 40 cents a share, in Wednesday's premarket trading after the report.

The so-called "debtor-in-possession" loan, which companies need to have enough liquidity to keep running the business during bankruptcy, is the clearest sign yet that the department store chain may finally file after years of losses. Sears has a $134 million debt payment due Monday that it previously said it may not be able to cover.

And they just announced the closure of 142 more stores. I could have done that. I could run any company so poorly that its retail outlets would keep going out of business. Piece o' cake.

This is not an "I told you so" and I hope there's no trace of glee in this news even though I am having a bit of fun at their expense. I think it's horrible that all these stores are closing and taking the jobs of thousands of workers with them. And of course underscoring this is my ever-growing amazement at how much damage is done in this world by folks applying (or in many cases, misapplying) the teachings of Ayn Rand.

CBS Television City "in Hollywood" (actually, the corner of Beverly Blvd. and Fairfax) is being sold. Shows that are done there like The Price is Right and James Corden's and Bill Maher's will continue there for now…but smart money seems to be on those programs and others being quietly relocated over the next year or two so the building can come down and retail space and upscale housing can be erected on the land. That's not definite and let's hope it never will be.

I have many fond memories of that complex as both a kid (going there to watch Red Skelton tape) and as an adult working in the industry. There was something very magical about being in a place where so many talented people were present. You'd get in an elevator or turn a corner and there'd be someone who was at least a little part of TV history and/or your childhood. I hope they don't tear it down. I hope, I hope, I hope.

It's Randy Rainbow Time! It's Randy Rainbow Time!

A lot of you were intrigued by the video I embedded here about Igor Vovkovinskiy, the tallest man in this country. I received the following message from my pal Terry Beatty, who's currently handling the Rex Morgan, M.D. newspaper strip among his many endeavors…

Some years ago, as the Twin Cities Comic Convention was winding down and a bunch of cartoonist guests were making plans to go out to dinner afterward, we ended up also bringing along a group of gamers (somebody was a friend of somebody or whatever). The gamers picked up and brought along a few friends who had spent the day gaming at The Source comic shop — one of whom was Igor Vovkovinskiy. Nice guy, quiet and unassuming — and startlingly tall. We dined at The Big Bowl and when Igor sat down, his knees were higher than the table top.

A couple years later, I told this story to the young woman I was dating (now my wife) and she seemed surprisingly unimpressed that I'd met the tallest man in America. Why was that, you ask? 'Cause she'd gone to school with him in her hometown of Rochester, MN.

And Terry suggests that I note that the video I embedded is not current. In it, they say Igor is 29. Wikipedia says he just turned 36. Wikipedia also gives his height as 7 feet, 8.33 inches — the same as it was in the video. Does this mean that medical treatment has succeeded in stopping his growth? Or is that info on Wikipedia just way out o' date?

My lovely friend Amber is crazy about the chicken fried rice they make at Benihana Steakhouses. If you have a joke about how that corresponds to her taste in men, keep it to yourself.

We go to those places often but probably not often enough to suit her.  By that, I mean we may not be at one whenever you're reading this. Alas and alack, the one nearest to my home closed and now the closest one is 10.2 miles away in Santa Monica and the next-closest, which for the love of God is in Encino, is 13.8. Both are reachable at most hours by highways and by-ways that can make it feel like double or even triple the actual distance.

For a delusional hour or so, I toyed with the notion of learning to replicate Benihana Chicken Fried Rice in my own kitchen. There are dozens of recipes online that essentially say, "Do as we tell you and you won't be able to tell the difference." I do not believe anything that ever comes out of my kitchen will ever hit that standard. I don't think I could replicate putting peanut butter on Ritz crackers to match the way the professionals do it.

Then I looked at all the ingredients necessary to make Benihana Chicken Fried Rice on these premises. I also noted how much time it would take to buy them all then chop what has to be chopped, sauté what has to be sautéed, etc. I decided it might be easier and faster — to say nothing of safer — to make a round trip to Santa Monica, even if I go on one of those little Bird scooters, than to do it at home.

It might even be cheaper, plus I know what I get out there will at least taste like Benihana Chicken Fried Rice. Given my dubious culinary skills, I could follow the directions down to the last abbreviation and wind up with candy corn or banana pudding or even (shudder!) cole slaw. I sure don't wanna make no cole slaw by accident.

So my eyebrows recently shot up — clear over my head, just like Dennis the Menace's — when I heard that Benihana now has a line of frozen foods. It includes Yakisoba Chicken, Yakisoba Beef and — wait for it! — Benihana Hibachi Chicken Rice!!! I don't care about anything with Yakisoba in its name but I did think, "Wow…maybe I could make something that even vaguely resembles Benihana Fried Rice at home! And in the microwave, no less." And yes, I did notice the absence of the word "fried" anywhere on the product. And yes, I did know that "fried" is the key element in what they make at Benihana. And yes, I did know that there was a real good chance that it was going to suck…

…but I had to try it anyway.

Trying it was harder than I expected because buying it was harder than I expected. I found out that the Benihana frozen chow line is being sold in Los Angeles at Ralphs markets and at Von's — but not every outlet of each. Over a period of approximately three weeks, I went to ten different outlets of those two chains. Four didn't carry the Benihana line at all. Of the ones that did, in every single instance — and I am not exaggerating — the display cases had plenty of the Benihana Yakisoba Chicken, plenty of the Benihana Yakisoba Beef and zero boxes of the Benihana Hibachi Chicken Rice. Empty spaces on every shelf in every freezer compartment!

Immediate Deduction: That's a powerful bit of branding power there…but only for the rice. Like me, no one cared about anything with "Yakisoba" in its name but many were mesmerized by the chance to have something close to Benihana's fried rice in their home freezers. I asked one Ralphs employee and she said, "No, we're out. They just flew off the shelves!"

Finally, I found one in a Von's…by accident. The shelf where they were supposed to be had been cleaned-out…but there, misfiled about fifteen feet away, there was one lonely package of it nestled among the Steak-Umms. Bought it, took it home and I decided to pre-test it before I told Amber about it so as not to get her hopes up. It turned out this was a very good idea. I thought it was awful.

A two-biter, it was. Took it out of the microwave, let it sit for a bit so the flavors could infuse (a term I learned watching Alton Brown) and it could cool to just below "scalding." Took a bite. Couldn't believe how bad it was. Took another bite to verify…and into the sink it all went. Even my garbage disposal sounded disappointed.

But I read some online reviews and a couple of folks seemed pleased. They said it wasn't anywhere near as splendid as what your chef whips up before your beady little eyes just before he sculpts it into a heart on the grill and then makes the volcano. But they said it was an acceptable substitute..and I suppose it is if your only other choice of a side dish is gravel.

Don't not try it because of me. I dislike many foods that you love. Amber's asked me to find another package of it so she can try it herself…and she might like it. I mean, she likes me so she's pretty unpredictable with her liking. I just wanted to tell you it's out, it's hard to find (at least around here) and you shouldn't expect The Real Thing. That's usually good advice, not just for frozen foods but for most things in this world. Especially if you vote.

Apart from the fact that he's dead, it's looking like a good year for Hervé Villechaize, the diminutive actor known for his role in the movie, The Man With the Golden Gun, his role in the TV series, Fantasy Island, and just about nothing else. He is the unlikely subject of an HBO movie, My Dinner With Hervé, which debuts October 20 and which stars Peter Dinklage. Would this film even have been made if we didn't have a major star who was roughly the proper height?

This is another one of those "someone famous playing someone famous" movies which as I mentioned here, usually don't work for me. I worked with Hervé once. It's a story I told when I appeared earlier this year on Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. In fact, it was the second thing Gilbert asked me about. I don't feel like telling the story again here right now but if you subscribe to Stitcher Premium, you can hear it there. If you don't subscribe to Stitcher Premium, you should have listened to it back before it disappeared behind their paywall.

Anyway, here's how I intend to judge Peter Dinklage's performance: If I can understand more than about 25% of what he says, I will feel he has not captured the true Hervé.

I have conflicted feelings about Mr. Villechaize. His life had a very sad ending when his career got ice-cold. On the other hand, it's kind of amazing that he ever had any sort of career at all.

Please don't think I'm trying to ridicule him or mock his later years because I'm not. But in show business, there just aren't a lot of job openings for a 3'11" man with a thick French accent and not a lot of acting ability. Imagine you were living in your car, as he was at one point, and you knew that there was almost no chance of any sort of stardom, fame or riches in your future. Then The Devil or a C.A.A. agent appeared and told you you could have all that. You'd probably be wise enough to ask, "What's the catch?" and he'd tell you it was only for ten years and then it will all go away forever.

Would you take that deal? A lot of people would with zero hesitation. A lot of them would think that as sad as the post-stardom period might be, it would still be preferable to no stardom period at all. I'd like to think Hervé thought it that way but he probably didn't.

Anyway, I want to give him an additional credit here. As you may know, he started out as a painter and had a fair amount of success in France. I'll let Wikipedia pick up the story…

In 1964 he left France for the United States. He settled in a Bohemian section of New York City, taught himself English by watching television. Villechaize initially worked as an artist, painter and photographer. He began acting in Off Broadway productions, including The Young Master Dante by Werner Liepolt and a play by Sam Shepard, and he also modeled for photos for National Lampoon before moving on to film.

During that artist period, he somehow made contact with an artist named Jacqueline Roettcher. When I met Jacqueline, she was working quite successfully in animation in Los Angeles while also continuing a long career as an inker of comic books, mainly for the Harvey company. She inked many of their books but mainly the Casper and Richie Rich titles, particularly the ones penciled by Warren Kremer. She told me she'd often hire assistants to help her out and one of the assistants she had for a few years was Hervé Villechaize.

This was back when Hervé was still able to grip a pen or brush. As I mentioned on Mr. Gottfried's podcast, by the time I worked with him, some complication of his physical condition had made it impossible for him to use his hands for much more than gesturing. On our show when he had a costume change, he was unable to zip up his own fly. That show was in 1985. Mark Arnold, who is the world's foremost authority on Harvey Comics, estimates that Hervé worked on the comics between 1971 and 1973. (The Casper cover I selected above is from that period and it almost certainly has inking by Jacqueline Roettcher somewhere in it. We have no way of knowing if Hervé assisted on anything in that issue but he could have.)

I suppose he'd be happy to know he has not been forgotten and that people are still talking about him. Just in case he'd be annoyed that they don't know he once worked on Richie Rich, I thought I oughta put that information on the Internet. Spread it around…for Hervé.

The wonderful Kelli O'Hara performs a rousing tune at "From Broadway with Love: A Benefit Concert for Orlando" at the Disney Theatre in July of 2016. The conductor is Michael J Moritz Jr…

Moneywise lists two dozen restaurant chains that are still "hanging on," despite most of their outlets closing. I've never heard of some of them and the only ones there I've patronized in the last decade or two are Big Boy and Hometown Buffet.

I wonder which ones decreased in popularity due to not responding to changing tastes in the marketplace and which ones were mismanaged in other ways. I suspect in many cases, a new CEO and various cronies made out very well for themselves despite making all the wrong decisions.

A YouTube series I sometimes enjoy watching is Hellthy Junk Food, which stars the married couple of J.P. Lambiase and Julia Goolia.  They were not married when they started doing this and their website still refers to Julia as J.P.'s girl friend.  In each episode, they do one of two things…

They try to make something bizarre in their home kitchen…like a giant devilled egg or a KitKat bar the size of a Mazda.  Or they go to some fast food joint, order everything off the menu and critique each item.  In the first category, they're very big on putting one kind of food inside another — like a hamburger inside a giant French Fry inside a pizza inside another hamburger. Or something like that. A lot of what they deal in is what some would call "junk food" and none of it seems particularly healthy or even hellthy but I guess it's a success if they can knock 20 calories off something that has 2000+ of them.

So, uh, what's the point of making a Skittle the size of Hervé Villechaize? Just to see if they can do it and to entertain those of us who watch. I find them funny and if I ran the Food Network, they'd be on in prime time.

Today is apparently National M&Ms Day, at least around the M&Ms factory. In recognition of this, they decided to see if they could make the world's largest M&M. It turned out to be a lot more difficult than you might imagine…

The power came back on here at 3:05 AM and my life resumed. How come my computer can stay on for a while when the electricity goes out, thanks to my Uninterruptible Power Supply, but traffic lights don't?

Yesterday, I got a call from a gent who's running a comic convention in a faraway town, says he's a huge fan of my work and wants to fly me in to be a guest and he'll give me a nice monetary guarantee. I asked him, "Guarantee against what?" He said, "Well, you know…you sit there and sell sketches to your fans and if your gross doesn't hit the guarantee amount, we'll buy sketches from you to make up the difference so you're guaranteed to go home with that amount."

It's not that difficult to spot the people who are "a big fan of your work" but have no friggin' idea what you do. One tip-off: They use the words "legend" and "icon" a lot, as he did in every third sentence. Everything you've ever done or will ever do is "legendary" and/or "iconic." This morning, for example, I took a legendary shower and then ate an iconic bowl of cereal. I told the guy…

1. I don't do sketches.  I really don't draw much anymore and even when I did, what resulted was not the kind of thing discerning folks would shell out actual cash to acquire.  Long ago, I decided I had a future in writing and enjoyed it way more.  Also, lack of ability had something to do with it.  Had I stayed with drawing and practiced and practiced, I would now be about one-fourteenth as good as most of my artist friends (one twenty-eighth as good as Sergio) and I'd probably be homeless and sleeping on the back stairs of a Chipotle.
2. At conventions, I don't sit behind a table.  Been there, done that, bored silly by it.  Maybe when I get older, the "sitting down" part will matter more to me but right now, nope.  I can manage it for an hour or two here and there but not three whole days.

His reaction to these revelations was along the lines of "Then what the hell am I doing talking to you?"  He didn't say those words but it was there in his accusatory tone.  Ergo, I will not be a guest at this convention which, I see from its website, thinks anyone who works in comics is an Artist, including folks who don't even draw as much as I once did, which was not a lot.

Come to think of it though, I have a reason for wanting to go to Chicago some time between mid-April of 2019 and mid-October.  I'll tell you the reason shortly but for now, if any convention operator reading this would like to pay expenses to the Windy City (or anywhere near it) during those months for me and my lady friend, I will be a guest at your convention.  I'll even sit behind a table and sell sketches…but I warn you that if you give me a guarantee of anything over around twenty bucks, you're going to lose money on the deal.

Forgive any typos in this post. It's thunderstorming in Los Angeles, my power's gone out (as it does at the slightest sign of actual weather in this town) and I'm posting this on an iPad in a dark room with 11% power remaining.

As I've mentioned here, I'm a member of The Academy of Magical Arts, the group that operates the World Famous Magic Castle as its clubhouse and no, I won't (can't, really) give you a pass to go there; not if I don't know you really well. But I can show you this brief tour of the place hosted by the multi-talented Misty Lee.

I'm not sure why they made this. It feels like a recruiting tool but the Castle is now more successful than it's been since I joined 38 (!) years ago. Every night, it's packed to the point where members are complaining they can't get reservations. There's also a waitlist to become a new member. Still, the video will give you a good sense of the place. (Small Quibble: Not every magician performing there produces live doves outta nowhere.)

I love the place even if I do have to put on a tie to go there in the evenings. I'd tell you more but I'm at 8% power. No, make that 7%. See you when my electricity's back on. Given the swiftness of the DWP, we might be looking at Thanksgiving and maybe not the next one. Good night.

It used to be fashionable to refer to Broadway dancers as "gypsies" but that noun has gone out of fashion. I kind of understand why but it doesn't seem like a huge slur. Then again, I'm down with the idea that people should be called by whatever name or term they choose…and there doesn't seem to be any outcry among the folks in question over the rebranding. So the "Gypsy Robe" — a famous Broadway tradition which I wrote about here — is now the Legacy Robe…and it's probably a better name of it.

Also, there is or was this annual event called "The Gypsy of the Year Awards." If you're ever in New York at the beginning of December, try to attend this. It's only two performances and both are filled with folks from the theatrical community both onstage and in the audience. The companies of the most of the currently-running shows each put on a little sketch or musical number, often burlesquing one another and they're always very entertaining.

If you go from now on though, look for the Red Bucket Follies, which is also probably an improvement in the Name Department. Again, this does not seem to be a controversial change. The term I'd like to see changed is "Ticket Resellers." Let's call them why really are: The Unofficially Sanctioned Ticket Price Raisers. But I'll settle for just "pirates."

I linked the other day to a video about a gent named Igor Vovkovinskiy and said he was the tallest man in the world. That was the title of the video posted by the folks who do the version of 60 Minutes in Australia but many of you have informed me that that's wrong. Mr. Vovkovinskiy, at 7'8" is the tallest man in America but not the world.

The Guinness Book of World Records people say that honor belongs to a Turkish-Kurdish farmer named Sultan Kösen, who is 8'3". Both men are still growing and both apparently have the same condition: A tumor that is pressing against the pituitary gland, causing it to secrete an abnormal amount of growth hormone.

Apparently, there are also a few other men who are an inch or two taller than Igor. I am correcting the record because I don't like having people get pissed at me, especially if they're over seven feet tall.

A movie is coming out shortly in which Tom Hanks plays the popular kid show host, Fred Rogers. I don't think there's a better actor working today than Tom Hanks but if we were ignoring box office heat — as few films can afford to do — I think there might be someone around more suited to play Mr. Rogers. It would be someone who didn't keep looking or sounding like Tom Hanks.

Maybe it's just me but I have trouble with well-known people playing well-known people. They rarely seem to disappear into the roles for me.  I feel the same way when someone familiar acts with a lot of makeup on…Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride or Mr. Saturday Night, for example.  In those cases, I didn't see an older man on the screen.   I saw Billy Crystal with a lot of stuff on his face.

When I watched the movie of Lenny, I did not see Dustin Hoffman becoming Lenny Bruce. I saw Dustin Hoffman doing Lenny Bruce's material. When I saw Will Smith playing Muhammad Ali, I saw Will Smith telling people he was Muhammad Ali.

In Saving Mr. Banks, we were supposed to buy Tom H. as Walt Disney and I'm afraid I didn't.  To me, one of the charming things about the real Walt was that he was so non-slick in front of a camera; like they'd randomly picked someone's uncle to host a TV show. He was not a natural for that position, whereas Tom Hanks just twinkles with stardom on screen.  He can dial it down but he can't shut it off.

I'm not saying those weren't great performances or great movies. I'm just saying that the better known the actor is — ofr for that matter, the person he or she is playing — the harder it is for me to stop seeing it as an actor playing a role. I did a little better with Bryan Cranston in Trumbo (though I didn't much like that film) and Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote, in large part because I didn't know the sound of Dalton Trumbo's voice and I had no particular memory of this Hoffman in any other role.

I am trying not to pre-review a movie that isn't finished and which I haven't seen yet…but it would seem to me that the same thing applies with Hanks as Rogers, only more so. Fred Rogers' every word and gesture reminded you that he was not an actor; that he had never attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting or any other place to give him a polished, professional screen presence. It just seems to me he shouldn't be played by a fellow with two Oscars, four Golden Globes, six Emmys and a whole mess of other awards and nominations.

Then again, Mr. Rogers did win five Emmys, one of which was a lifetime achievement award. Another was a writing award which he got in 1985 and one of the nominees he beat out for it was me. I was not unhappy about that.  To the extent such trophies actually recognize achievement, he probably deserved it way more than I did. If he'd been at the ceremony, I would have told him so.

A few years later, I was at the Licensing Show in New York and he was there to sign autographs for a few hours. Someone I knew there knew him and asked me, "You want to meet Mr. Rogers?" Well, of course I did.  How could anyone pass up that opportunity?  (At another one of those conferences, I met "Buffalo" Bob Smith of Howdy Doody fame.  Have I told that story here?)

Introductions were made…and I was instantly struck by how Mr. Rogers was exactly the same in person as he was on-screen. Exactly. He talked the same, he smiled the same, he acted the same — which meant that on TV, he wasn't acting at all. I should have known better but, trying to get a chuckle out of him, I said, "It's an honor to meet you even though you beat me out for an Emmy Award."

Big mistake, Mark. Mr. Rogers suddenly acted like I was in need of medium-level grief counseling. He said, oh so kindly, "Now, young man, you shouldn't feel bad about such things. Awards are not the measure of what we do. I'm sure you did something of great value if it was nominated and the pride in that work should be your reward…"

"Well, I was just kidding. Actually, I thought it was great that you won and —"

"Because if you feel good about yourself, that's all that should ever matter.  The approval of others is nice to have, of course, but it should never be a necessity in your life."

"It isn't," I said — and at that moment, all sorts of smartass quips, most of them self-deprecating, were racing through my mind. They were drowned-out by some part of my brain shouting at me, "Don't try to be funny! He takes things literally!"

So I said to him, "I'm sorry. I gave you a wrong impression. I was just trying to say it really was an honor to meet you."

And so help me, he grinned and said something that to him at that second I'm sure was absolutely true. He said, "Well, it's an honor to meet you, too!" And then he turned to some people near us and introduced me to them as his new friend. Even remembered my name and pronounced it properly, which I don't always do.

Even if Tom Hanks is the best actor alive — and I'm not saying he isn't — I don't see how he or anyone in show business could capture the total delight and complete lack of guile or sarcasm or artifice in Mr. Fred Rogers at that moment. In life, we sometimes play roles, acting nicer or more sincere than we really are because that seems to suit the situation.

I will keep an open mind and cheer if Mr. Hanks can make me accept him totally as Mr. Rogers. But in my one Mr. Rogers moment — the one I've just described — my then-new friend was totally honest and not playing any sort of role of any sort. Tom Hanks will be.

Here's a nice remembrance of Neil Simon that was assembled upon his recent passing…