Calculate your personal dialect map. It said mine is similar to Milwaukee, Rochester and New York City. I've never been near the first two towns but I suspect I've absorbed a lot from Manhattan, not so much from visiting there as reading writers from there and watching TV shows from there. When I was about thirteen, I took one of these tests and it pegged me as Connecticut — a place I'd barely been to but my whole family was from there.

A fine bit of holiday animation by Joshua Held…

A couple of folks sent me links to articles about Rush Limbaugh defending, for example, Bill Maher after Maher was fired from ABC. They were pretty self-serving defenses, much as Maher's have been of some of Limbaugh's excesses. When I was wondering about people defending the Free Speech of those with whom they disagree, I guess I wasn't thinking about that kind of thing. I suppose anyone who traffics in excessive partisanship has a personal interest in not seeing others getting fired for excessive partisanship.

Pundits on TV and radio are sometimes fired or suspended for saying vile or offensive things. I suspect they are more often fired for having weak ratings, and that the vile thing they said just hastened their departure. MSNBC axed Martin Bashir and Alec Baldwin for outrageous things they said. Would they have been ousted if anyone had been watching their shows? I think it's pretty common knowledge that when Maher was bounced off ABC, the network had already been looking for a way to get him off their schedule…in that case, not so much because of ratings as because the parent corporation just plain didn't want to be in the controversy business.

That's a very lucrative business these days. I wish there wasn't so much dough in being outraged and denouncing whatever you think your audience wants to see you denounce. We might get some honest debate…and people who saw value in arriving on common ground. But nobody wants to get to that because there's no money in it.

Don't write me on this topic. I'm going to stop thinking about this stuff for the holidays.

Recently, our friend Neil Gaiman appeared at the New York Public Library and performed a public reading. It was of an odd version of A Christmas Carol written by someone named Charles Dickens, who for some reason completely cut Mr. Magoo out of it. Why someone would want to do that, I don't know…but it actually works surprisingly well sans Magoo, and Neil gave it a colorful performance. The woman you'll hear in this recording before Neil is Molly Oldfield, a writer and researcher for the BBC…

The top 50 Fast Food chains in America are, in terms of sales…

McDonald's, Subway, Starbucks, Wendy's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Dunkin' Donuts, Pizza Hut, Chick-fil-A, KFC, Panera Bread, Sonic Drive-In, Domino's Pizza, Jack in the Box, Arby's, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Papa John's, Dairy Queen, Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen, Hardee's, Panda Express, Little Caesars, Whataburger, Carl's Jr., Jimmy John's, Five Guys Burgers & Fries, Zaxby's, Church's Chicken, Bojangles', Steak 'n Shake, Culver's, Quiznos, Papa Murphy's, Long John Silver's, Checkers/Rally's, White Castle, Del Taco, Qdoba Mexican Grill, Jason's Deli, Krispy Kreme, El Pollo Loco, Boston Market, Tim Hortons, In-N-Out Burger, Baskin-Robbins, CiCi's Pizza, Captain D's, Moe's Southwest Grill, Wingstop and Jamba Juice.

Owing to a sparsity of outlets in places where I wander and/or an aversion to Mexican food, I've never patronized 23 of these chains. Matter of fact, I've never even heard of six of them. Here's where I've never eaten…

Taco Bell, Dunkin' Donuts, Panera Bread, Sonic Drive-In, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Hardee's, Whataburger, Jimmy John's, Zaxby's, Church's Chicken, Bojangles', Culver's, Papa Murphy's, Long John Silver's, Checkers/Rally's, Qdoba Mexican Grill, Jason's Deli, Tim Hortons, CiCi's Pizza, Captain D's, Moe's Southwest Grill, Wingstop and Jamba Juice.

I thought it might be interesting to briefly (very briefly) discuss the ones I have patronized. Let's be clear I'm discussing Fast Food joints as Fast Food joints, not as places one expects to compete with real restaurants. On the other hand, I've been to real restaurants — including some that were famous and/or expensive — where I enjoyed the cuisine less than a burger at Five Guys or the turkey dinner at Boston Market. Here are the first three stops in our journey…

You know, McDonald's is still pretty good for the kind of place it is, especially if you avoid any item with a "Mc" in its name. I usually order the Quarter-Pounder without cheese. I don't like cheese on burgers and since it stopped being a regular menu item, that confuses the hell out of some order-takers. They look at me like I'm asking for an ice cream cone without any ice cream or something. I once had a girl ask, only half-kiddingly, if they could even do that and they often don't know how to ring this up on the order-taking machine. The disadvantage of ordering a Quarter-Pounder without cheese is that it takes a while since they have to make it up fresh. The advantage is that they make it up fresh. Any McDonald's burger is amazingly better if you can scarf it down within three minutes of its coming off the grill.

So I get one of them and a small fries…or once in a while when I'm in an airport and it's breakfast time, I go for a Sausage Biscuit with Egg. I like them because they defy the law — and I believe it's now a felony — that says a breakfast sandwich must have cheese on it.  I don't like cheese on breakfast sandwiches, either.  Given how few in this country don't come with it, I gather I'm among about eleven Americans who feel that way.  (Here are some other tips about eating at McDonald's. If you like their breakfast sandwiches, pay attention to the one about the "round egg.")

McDonald's and Subway have both saved my life a few times when I've been somewhere and had a desperate need to find and eat something in fifteen minutes. No, neither has great cuisine but when you have as many food allergies as I do, you appreciate a place where the food is predictable; where you're not going to order a sandwich and find out that they mix monkey gizzards into the egg salad or something. Also, neither chain serves cole slaw and that's always a plus.  The thing I like about Subway is the same thing a lot of people don't like about them: They're ubiquitous.  Wherever you are, there's one within a matter of steps.  In strange cities, I've been known to go up to hotel employees and ask, "Where's the nearest Subway sandwich place?" in the exact same delivery I use for "Where's the nearest Men's Room?"  The answer is usually about the same length of distance.

At a Subway, I usually get the Meatball Marinara with provolone cheese, toasted — and much to the disappointment/disbelief of the sandwich-maker, nothing else on it. They stare at me in disbelief: No oil? No shredded lettuce? No sprouts? Nope. As it moves down the assembly line, I have to tell each person, "It's done. Wrap it up. Don't put anything else on it!" Some of them look like they're about to cry; like if there were more customers like me, half of them would lose even those jobs. One even asked me once, almost pleadingly, "Not even a little salt?"  When I'm not in the mood for meatballs, I ask them how fresh the tuna salad is. If they don't respond with a previous day of the week, it's pretty good on their Italian bread. With nothing else on it. Not even a little salt.

I don't drink coffee. Never developed a taste for the stuff and though my parents drank it, its aroma never somehow became a comforting childhood memory for me. So the one time I was ever in Starbucks was when I had a story meeting at The Disney Channel and the person I was meeting with said she had — simply had, the way a Diabetic has to have insulin — to have a quadruple Frappuccino with extra caffeine or some such drink. Whatever it was, she dragged me downstairs to the lobby and we had our meeting in a Starbucks there. I had a very bad hot chocolate which was neither hot nor chocolate. She had this drink that looked, in size and severity, like something a Bond villain would dangle you over to make you talk.

As we went through the story, I thought she was getting more and more excited about it. Turned out, it was just the extra caffeine kicking in and the next day, when it wore off, she passed on the project. I should have asked that we have all our meetings at Starbucks and then whenever she liked something, I'd say, "Great! Hey, why don't you use your cell phone to call Business Affairs and get them to start drawing up the contract?" Other than that, I've had no use for Starbucks except it's a great topic for jokes. Hey, the other day I found an old shoebox in my closet and wouldn't you know? They'd opened a Starbucks in it!  I gather what my coffee-drinking friends like about it is the same thing I like about Subway.  "Where's the Starbucks?"  "Oh, it's next to the Subway sandwich place!"

I'll do more of these in the next few days.

The "Trailers From Hell" video series started out, as I understand it, as a place to showcase trailers from awful or odd films. At some point, I guess they ran out of those because it now has modern-day filmmakers paying tribute to older movies. Here's Alan Spencer talking about a film I liked more than most people seemed to…Mel Brooks' Silent Movie. Mr. Spencer provides some interesting facts about other actors who were sought for the film but were unavailable or unwilling…

A couple of folks have written me to note the times that Bill Maher has defended the Free Speech of Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter. Okay, right. But one might suggest that Mr. Maher has a certain — shall we say? — self-interest in defending the rights of those who say outrageous things that many find offensive. Much of what Maher says about Limbaugh, including the references to drug use, applies to Maher himself.

On the other hand, I don't recall Limbaugh ever defending Maher or anyone with an opposing viewpoint. I think Coulter has but not Limbaugh.

Here's a question. We've seen a lot of people these days who are defending someone else's right to Free Speech. People are defending Martin Bashir's coarse, rude statements about Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is defending the Duck Dynasty guy's. I see a lot of Democrats defending what other Democrats have said and a lot of Republicans defending what other Republicans have said.

Has anyone seen any prominent individual defending an allegedly-outrageous or over-the-limits remark that wasn't by "their side?" You know, a Democrat defending a Republican or a Republican defending a Democrat? I'm looking for something like me defending someone else's right to say cole slaw is edible. The other night, Jon Stewart kinda defended the Duck Dynasty fellow but what Stewart was really doing was pointing up the hypocrisy of Fox News figures who defend what one person says while leading the charge against what others say.

So…anyone see someone defending Free Speech they hate? Because anyone can defend Free Speech they like. It's only a matter of principle when you defend the stuff you wish wasn't said. The American Civil Liberties Union does that all the time but when lately have you seen an individual do that?

And by the way: Can we get clear that the First Amendment doesn't prevent your employer from firing you? And that your right to Free Speech does not shield you from having people disagree with you, decide you're an idiot or choose not to listen to you?

I embedded this video once before but this is a much better copy. It's a segment from the game show, To Tell the Truth from February of 1963 and I'm afraid the title of the video gives away the surprise ending…but watch it anyway.

The second impostor is a man named Oscar Jordan, a painting contractor who had a brief secondary career for a few years there. As you can see, he was a look-alike for Nikita Khrushchev, who served as First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 1953 to 1964. For a while there, he was turning up all over television and in magazines — including the back cover of an issue of MAD — playing his Russian twin. But it's the third impostor — who also appeared in MAD — who steals the show…

From Scott Marinoff…

I'd appreciate it if you'd post your thoughts (or anything you've seen online) about how consumers should address the recent payment card troubles at Target. I usually shop there a few times a month – including within the Black Friday through mid-December timeframe when the hack happened.

Since hearing about this, I've checked my online banking website daily for any unusual activity. None yet, but some of the news reports say it could be weeks or months before the stolen card information might actually be used. I'd rather not call my bank and get a new card if there's no need to. The phone lines to Target are apparently jammed and it's not clear if they know or if they would even tell a consumer if their card information was affected. So, all that's left is a waiting game, with daily worry if or when the other shoe will drop and cause financial headaches.

You're always pretty savvy when it comes to dealing with large organizations when things go wrong, so I await your wisdom on this situation.

Well, if what I'd had ripped-off was a debit card, I'd cancel it immediately. Beyond that, I'm not sure you're at any greater risk than you are all the time with credit cards. Two nights ago, you ate at a restaurant and for a few minutes, your Visa card was away from you and several restaurant employees could easily have copied down all the info on it. They can wait a few months, then post just as many unauthorized charges to your card as the folks who obtained that info by hacking Target.

Matter of fact, I'd be more worried about info stolen on a small scale. The busboy at the restaurant who passed your info on to his brother-in-law only stole 20 or 30 numbers that way all week and might well try to use all of them at local businesses. The Target hackers stole 40 million numbers and the majority will probably never get used that way…or will be used from all over the world. Even the stupidest credit card company in the world will smell large rodents if you live in San Diego and usually purchase gas and groceries locally…and suddenly, your card is being used to charge purchases of rifle ammo in Reykjavík, Iceland.

What I'm getting at is that I think you should always monitor your credit cards as if your numbers are in unauthorized hands…because probably, somewhere, they are. And with regard to the Target situation, read this.

I don't know why in the age of Smartphones, credit cards don't work more like this…

1. You charge a purchase in a store to your credit card.
2. When the store phones or "internets" in to check on the card, the credit card company dispatches a text message to your Smartphone.
3. You receive the message and it asks you to confirm your purchase of $828.43 at Whips 'R Us.
4. You type in a little 4-digit code to confirm it and the purchase goes through.

Now obviously, not everyone has a Smartphone or would want the occasional hassle…but if my company offered me a card that worked like that, I'd get one. I would think it would be especially good for online purchases. There must be a reason they haven't tried this.

A lot of you chipped in to help Bob Kahan raise enough cash to not get evicted from the apartment where he and his cats have resided for many years. Bob reports today that he went to court and the funds raised did the trick. The eviction notice will be vacated as soon as the checks clear. Yay! Now, we just hope the fellow can find a job.

This kind of thing makes me happy. You know what doesn't make me happy? The people you see on and in the news who have that Scrooge-like self-hatred that bubbles out as contempt for the needy. You know: Anyone who doesn't have a job is a lazy bum who leeches off the public. The homeless should just starve to death and disappear. Sick people can just go to emergency rooms and don't bother me with them. Oh — and you know, slavery wasn't so bad…

The rhetoric is sometimes frighteningly identical to ol' Ebenezer and his wish that the poor die off and decrease the surplus population. You'd think that the folks who think like that would at least have the sense to conceal their a-holishness, especially around this time of year but no. I guess the Tea Party has made them feel liberated enough to boast of their selfishness. Some of them have even developed convoluted explanations of how their worldview is utterly consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ. He didn't care about the poor and sick at all except…well, all the time.

I often think about this one quote from Kurt Vonnegut. Someone asked him to explain the meaning of life and replied…

Well, I have a son who writes very well. He just wrote one book; it's called The Eden Express. It's my son Mark, who is a pediatrician and who went crazy and recovered to graduate from Harvard Medical School. But anyway, he says, and I've quoted him in a couple of my books, "We're here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

Merry Christmas.

How often do you drink coffee or tea from a styrofoam cup? How often do you take food out from a restaurant in a styrofoam container?

Answer: Probably never. The stuff you think is styrofoam is not styrofoam.

So…what's going to happen with the National Security Agency and its snooping, especially in light of that judicial decision that its surveillance operation is "probably" not Constitutional? Fred Kaplan has some thoughts.

Hey, what would the James Bond Theme sound like played by a full symphony orchestra? I have a feeling it would sound something like this…

Joe Conason writes about the War on Christmas. If Ebenezer Scrooge was alive and had yet to meet those three ghosts, he'd be busy cutting food stamps and unemployment benefits.