I read the other day that Jim Gilmore is about to drop out of the presidential race. This will cause people all across America to say, "Someone named Jim Gilmore was in the presidential race?"

Ben Carson is saying that the South Carolina primary will be the "turning point" in his quest for the White House. Since the polls there currently have him in fifth place with 8.8% support, I guess that means that's when he'll be getting out.

Donald Trump says he's going to seek Sean Hannity's advice when it comes to picking a running mate. We can only hope Cliven Bundy gets out of jail in time to accept.

Surfing YouTube, I keep coming across videos in which someone tells you how to make a McDonald's hamburger at home. Why does anyone want to make a McDonald's hamburger at home? Did these suddenly become hard to obtain? Or too expensive? It would cost me less money to go to McDonald's and buy a hamburger than it would to purchase the ingredients to make one at home. It would also cost me less time to walk to the nearest McDonald's and buy one, plus the bathroom at McDonald's is probably cleaner than mine.

Also, while I was there I could buy fries to go with it and get free ketchup. There are also YouTube videos about how to replicate McDonald's fries at home and again, it would less time and money to walk to that McDonald's and buy fries than to make them myself.

Maybe the premise here is that I could make a better McDonald's hamburger at home than I can get at a McDonald's? No, that's not logical. If it was better, it wouldn't be a McDonald's hamburger. And in those videos, they usually promise you that if you follow their instructions carefully, what you will get will be indistinguishable from what you'd get at a McDonald's. I haven't tried following any of these tutorials but I'm skeptical.

For one thing, they never mention anything about wearing a paper hat. I would think that would be essential. You might also need to pay yourself poorly.

For another, they tell you to go out and buy whatever kind of meat and bun you can find. I would guess your ketchup, mustard, onions and maybe even pickles wouldn't be far from what McDonald's uses. But don't you have to freeze the beef for a few months and then defrost it to get that McDonald's texture? And isn't the flavor of a McDonald's hamburger about 65% bun? How can a different kind of bun result in the exact same burger?

But I keep coming back to the Why? in all this. Why, if you're going to cook, cook one of those? I can understand trying to replicate the bouillabaisse made at Chez Michel in Marseilles, which many food critics hail as the best in the world. You'd impress the hell out of your friends if you could serve that and besides, how often do you find yourself near Chez Michel? (How often do I find myself near a McDonald's? Practically every time I go anywhere.) And you almost never find great bouillabaisse on a Dollar Menu.

This just does not seem like a worthwhile endeavor to me. Then again, neither did me writing or you reading this blog post and yet we both did just that. Go figure.

What happens when you reply to one of those Spam e-mails that we all get and hastily delete? Listen to what happened when comedian James Veitch tried it…

The headline on this article is "Jerry Lewis has broken a 40-year silence about his 'disaster' of a Holocaust movie." Yes, he's finally started talking about The Day the Clown Cried.

A number of my friends are far more interested in this film than I am. I think I told the story here once about how years ago, I was printing out labels for VHS tapes on my shelf. I had one label left over on a sheet so on a whim, I printed "The Day the Clown Cried," slapped it on a tape I was going to otherwise toss out and put it in my library. A guy I knew came by. We were going to go out to dinner but then he spotted the label, grabbed the tape from the shelf and started screaming, "We are not going anyhere until I see every foot of this movie!" He acted like he would die if I didn't immediately jam it into my VCR and begin playing it for him.

He was crushed when I told him it wasn't real. I think I had to actually play a little of the tape to convince him Jerry's movie wasn't on it.

Anyway, I'm curious about the movie but it's been a long time since Mr. Lewis gave a coherent, fact-based interview about anything. A few years ago for a Laurel and Hardy DVD, he explained that Hardy was a janitor when Laurel discovered him and decided he'd make a good partner. There was zero truth in that and he didn't even have a personal, emotional stake in that interview. Why should we believe him on a topic about which he's so sensitive and defensive? Oh, well. At least he might tell us that the musical of The Nutty Professor is opening on Broadway next month.

Yeah, it's time to think about this again. This year's Comic-Con International convenes in San Diego with a Preview Night on July 20 and then the non-Preview part is July 21-24. But you won't be there for any of it if you don't get a badge so be aware that open registration for them is a week from tomorrow. It will start and mostly stop the morning of Saturday, February 20.

If you want to score one or more badges, you have to be at your computer that morn. Before that, read this page which will tell you all about the process. And don't complain to me that you don't like the process. I have nothing to do with it. I just moderate panels.

Joe Merrill writes to ask…

I'm impressed that you've been making a living as a freelance writer since you got out of high school. Did you ever have any other job in your entire life? Did you ever even apply for a job that didn't involve writing? What would you have tried to do if you needed money and it wasn't coming in from writing?

Well, I have been paid over the years as an editor, a director, a producer, a songwriter (I guess that's writing), a performer (a few aberrant times) and one or two other things that from my point o' view were just adjuncts to writing. I'm assuming though you're asking about jobs that in no way connect with writing.

Remember here that you're asking a guy who's really, really inept at most things. I sometimes think — and this is not tongue-in-cheek self-deprecation — that I became a writer because it was the thing at which I felt the least incompetent. I gave up a number of other professions that interested me like drawing and magic because I decided I could never be good enough at them.

When I was sixteen or so, I did some babysitting for a family down the street. I'd play games with the kid until it was time for him to go to bed, then I'd set up my little Olivetti portable typewriter on the family dining table and write things until the parents came home. Does that count?

A month or so before I got out of high school, my parents suggested (strongly) that I look for a summer job to do between graduation and starting college. I was somehow persuaded to go to a Job Fair out in Santa Monica which was set up to connect kids in my position with openings.

I took the bus out there and waited, as I recall, for about three hours until I got to sit down with a harried lady who had lists of possibilities. The idea was that I would tell her what kind of thing I wanted to do or that I thought I could do, she would scan her lists and then she'd set me up with an appointment to go in and interview for the closest thing she had.

I knew I couldn't say to her, "I think I could write comic books or TV shows" so I told her I had some limited experience in page design and layout — maybe something in a print shop? Or failing that, I'd painted some walls in our home with a minimum of screw-ups so perhaps I could work for a painter?

Those sounded reasonable to me. I could never have made either my life's work but I thought I could bluff my way through a short-term job in one of those areas. To this lady though, it was like I was asking her to get me the starring role in the next James Bond film or maybe become the junior senator from the great state of California.

She reacted in simultaneous shock and laughter and said to me in a scolding tone, "No, no, no, you can't get a job like that starting from where you're starting." She scanned her lists and then wrote me out a referral to apply as an apprentice cutter for a firm that had something to do with furniture upholstery and carpeting. To get to the address, I would have to spend 90+ minutes and go through a whole pad of bus transfers.

I left in kind of a daze, wondering if she'd expected me to say, "Well, you know, I've always had my heart set on cutting fabric for ottomans." On the sidewalk outside, I ran into a cluster of guys I knew from high school who'd all just been through the same process.

We compared results and every one of us had been set up with an appointment to see about becoming an apprentice cutter for this firm that had something to do with furniture upholstery and carpeting. My interview was set for 4:00 in the afternoon the following Wednesday and Don Schwartz's was with the same person for 4:05.

Don asked what kind of a job interview could get you in and out in five minutes. I said, "I think it's just a test to see if you can show up on time wearing pants and not clutching a weapon."

I did not show up at all, with or without pants or weapon. Instead, I redoubled — maybe retripled — my efforts to make some money quickly as a writer. I did it in time and then one sale led to others, so I never had to do anything else. At the time, I considered myself extraordinarily fortunate and I guess on some level, I still do. Still, over the years, I became aware that I might have missed out on something.

There are certain social skills one learns in a work situation and they're quite different from anything you learn in a school situation. As a freelance writer, I was working at home a lot in those early years, not interacting on a daily basis with employers or anyone else involved in my work. It therefore took me a lot longer to learn some of those manners and skills than it might have if I'd labored in an office or business, especially if the job involved interfacing with the public.

I know actors who both love and hate that at one point in their lives, they had to wait tables or sell shoes or whatever. They resented devoting such prime years of their lives to something that would not advance them on their eventual careers, all the time fearing that those jobs would become, by default, their eventual careers. But they all still spoke of how valuable it was from a personal growth standpoint.

I don't think I would have gotten hired to cut fabric. Back then, I would have resented even going in for that interview so much that I wouldn't have been able to conceal it. Still, it might have had its value to me, at least for a little while…maybe.

Time for another drawing lesson from our friend, Tom Gammill…

Kevin Drum explains what folks are really saying when they insist the unemployment numbers are worse than what is commonly reported. (Hint: They're using a different standard of measurement than what we're all used to hearing.)

I need a new assistant. I've had many over the years — some wonderful ones — but they keep leaving me for jobs that pay better than I do.

This is not creative work. I need someone to run errands, file papers, move stuff around and maybe even do light computer work…so familiarity with a PC is a plus. Having a car and being able/willing to carry boxes up and down flights of stairs are both requirements and of course, you have to live in Los Angeles, preferably not too far from me. (I'm not far from CBS and Farmers Market.)

We're talking 10-20 hours a week on a semi-casual basis, meaning when I need you and when you're available. I can guarantee some of it will be very boring grunt work. I can't guarantee it will lead to anything better or that it will last for any specific length of time.

If you're interested and qualified, drop me a note. Tell me who you are, where you're based, how available you are, any particular experience or skills you have and if we have any mutual acquaintances. If you're real good, you might get to be Employee of the Week.

[UPDATE, A FEW DAYS LATER: The position has been filled. Thanks to all the applicants.]

It's another day of me writing stuff I should be writing instead of blogging. While I'm taking a break from doing that…

I'm still watching The People Vs. O.J. Simpson and still wondering if I'll bail when they get to the parts that will be uncomfortable to watch. I don't mean the photos of the two brutally-murdered bodies. I mean the parts where sly lawyering slanders good cops and sells the "he was framed" theory to a jury that was in way over their I.Q.s.

The evidence against Simpson was strong but the kind of men who give the legal profession its bad name managed to muddy the narrative to the point of Reasonable Doubt. There still is no credible or even semi-credible alternate theory of who the Real Killer was if it wasn't Simpson. Darn near everyone who came near the case wrote a book about it but nobody wrote that one.

The dramatization in Part Two seemed over-the-top with O.J. re-enacting the gun-to-the-head scene from Blazing Saddles, and with a silly moment concocted to play up the Kardashian Kids now that they're so famous. But a lot of it is really good and generally accurate…and I still haven't decided if John Travolta's unearthly portrayal of Robert Shapiro was terrible casting or brilliant. I'll probably watch at least until I make that decision.

I'm still enjoying the Johnny Carson reruns on Antenna TV. Tomorrow night, they're airing a 1985 show with Jackie Gleason that I believe represents his only appearance with Johnny. Saturday night, it's a show with Mel Brooks from February 1975, not long after the release of Young Frankenstein. Sunday night is Charlton Heston and then on Monday, there's one with the unforgettable team of Bette Davis and Richard Pryor. In a week or two, they have one with Tom Hanks from 1982, about the time his sitcom Bosom Buddies was canceled.

And before I get back to work: A lot of folks have written to tell me how much they're enjoying the Triumph Election Special that I recommended here. One of the things I find amusing about it is to note the difference when the puppet is talking to people who are used to being on camera (politicians, TV personalities) and folks who aren't often on TV. There are exceptions to this but most of the "real people" are talking to Robert Smigel but most of the media-savvy folks are talking to Triumph. Like he's the one asking the questions.

Hey, remember not long ago when Steve Harvey, hosting a beauty pageant, accidentally announced the name of the wrong winner? Of course you do. I said then that I felt sorry for the guy and that he's a real good host on the current incarnation of Family Feud. And that he is.

Recently on that show, he got into one of those situations that happens: A contestant simply was not grasping the concept of the game. I would guess that less than 5% of all the people who have ever had the job description of Game Show Host would have been able to spontaneously turn that moment into something funny and most of them would have done it just by making the poor lady feel especially humiliated. Mr. Harvey though handled it with the skill of a good comedian. Which he is…

This article over at the Hollywood Reporter is headlined, "Bill Maher Pens Blistering Essay on Hillary as 'Charlie Brown,' Trump and Why Bernie Sanders, Socialist, Can Win."

Two things wrong with it, the first being that the article really doesn't have enough to do with Hollywood to warrant being in the Hollywood Reporter. Secondly, Maher didn't "pen" an essay. At the end of the piece, it says, "As told to Seth Abramovitch." So Maher gave an interview, folding in lots of lines he and his writers have come up with for his show and/or his stand-up act and this Seth person turned all that into an essay.

I have little respect for Mr. Maher when it comes to medical advice and his view of Muslims, which he continuously seems to be walking back to more moderate turf, is still a bit too Trump for me. But I agree with a lot of what this article says about Obama and Hillary and various other folks who either have lived in the White House or aspire to dwell within.

And I just got a text saying Carly Fiorina has dropped out of the presidential race. If Christie quits in the next hour or so, Stephen Colbert's staff has to drop whatever he's about to tape and furiously cobble up another Hunger Games parody.

Could the Republican Convention be a contested one where no candidate arrives with a lock on the nomination? Donald Devine explains how possible that is (somewhat) and how that would work (messy).

I'm beginning to think Trump may indeed get the nomination. The collapse of Marco Rubio in the last few days kills a lot of the scenarios one could imagine whereby Trump wouldn't be the nominee, as does the rumored — they're saying it could happen before the day is out — surrender of Chris Christie. But then again, Rubio's unexpected crash just reminds us how unexpected things do happen when one least expects. Tomorrow, we could find out that Trump actually did shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue. And the mounting inevitability of Trump will bring more talk of third party challenges, as well as more opposition research and advertising against him.

I continue to like Bernie Sanders and hear all this talk about how he can't win. I have trouble seeing how he can beat Hillary, especially if his New Hampshire win doesn't give him a mega-bump elsewhere. As Harry Enten notes, Sanders is currently running way behind in the next batch of primary states. I have a little less trouble imagining Sanders beating Trump if it comes to that…but we have a long way to go before it may come to that.

This is yet another in a series of essays here about how professional or aspiring professional writers can and must cope with two various kinds of rejection — rejection of your work by the buyers and rejection by various folks in the audience. Part 1 can be read here, Part 2 can be read here, Part 3 can be read here, Part 4 can be read here and Part 5 can be read here. Onward…

---

I was going to write about something else for this installment but I received an e-mail that had a sense of urgency about it…

Thank you for your articles about rejection but I am waiting for the one that would have the most relevance to my situation. How does one cope with the kind of rejection that makes you think you're wasting your time trying to be a writer at all?

I have been at it for almost eight years now and you would be horrified if I told you how little money I have made and how few pieces I have had selected for publication. In fact, most of what I've had published has been for publications that didn't pay and one or two that said they would but never did. I have had to support myself with a non-writing job and some nights, it is tough to sit down and pursue my first love after working all day at my damned pay-the-bills job.

I am not asking you for advice on how to get published so much as I'm asking you for advice on how to cope with not being published. I could use some help here.

Sure sounds like you could. Okay, keep in mind during what follows that I have no idea how good a writer you are. Your e-mail is the only thing you've written that I've ever read and that ain't enough to formulate an opinion. It is possible that what you're writing just plain isn't very good and that you're pursuing a goal for which you simply lack the necessary talent. That's possible and you know it.

As I've written here before, I am not a big believer in the philosophy, "Never give up on your dream. If you keep at it and never surrender, eventually you will make it." I believe the person who came up with that also used to invent "can't lose" strategies for the game of Roulette. In any game where there's a chance of winning, there's a chance of losing and in any profession that requires skill, there are those who just plain don't have enough of that skill.

And it might not be skill at writing that they're lacking. It might be skill at selling the work, which can be a separate but equally-necessary talent. Before you throw good years after bad, ask yourself if there's something else you could be happy doing…

…and for God's sake, don't make the mistake of judging your potential by someone else's. Don't think, "I'm a better writer than Harry and if he can sell his novel, I can certainly sell my novel." Harry could be an outlier or a fluke or maybe you're unaware that he's the nephew of a publisher. You're not competing with Harry. An editor is not going to read your manuscript and think, "Well, this is better than Harry's book and I bought that so I suppose I have to buy this."

It also may be that you're writing for the wrong marketplace…or maybe the wrong part of the right marketplace. Years ago, I met a fellow at Comic-Con who was trying to break into writing comic books. A writing teacher had told him, "Write what you're passionate about" and since he was passionate about Batman, he kept writing and submitting Batman stories. The problem with that? Everyone wants to write Batman.

The top writers in the business — folks much more "connected" than any outsider could be — were mud-wrestling to write Batman and the Batman editor at the time had so much interest from those guys that he never got around to even looking at submissions from unknowns. There was also a kind of sense that Superman, Batman and a few others were assignments that oughta go to the experienced writers; that one did not start by starting at the top.

This wanna-be Bat-writer may or may not have been writing superb scripts — I have no idea. But since no one was reading them, it really didn't matter.

I guess I'm not really answering your question, which was not about how to improve your chances of selling your writing but how to deal with getting nowhere. That's because I would deal with getting nowhere by trying a different route and maybe even a different destination. If you're not reaching your goals, maybe you need not to abandon your goals so much as expand them.

You may discover they're more expandable than you think. Once upon a time, there was a man named Bob Fosse who grew up wanting to be the new Gene Kelly and star in movie musicals the way Gene Kelly did. And if being a great dancer was all it took, he would have made it.

But he was a little short and he wasn't as handsome as Gene Kelly and he wasn't as good an actor as Gene Kelly and he didn't sing as well as Gene Kelly…and worst of all, he came along at a time when that kind of movie was becoming increasingly less commercial. They were making so few of them that even Gene Kelly was branching out into other things like dramatic roles and directing.

So this Fosse guy modified his goal. He segued from dancing to choreography and from choreography to directing…and there was a period there when he managed to be the most successful director in the business. In one year, he won an Emmy, an Oscar and a Tony. Can't do much better than that. He came to be very happy he hadn't become Gene Kelly because (a) there just wasn't a market for that anymore and (b) he realized directing suited him just fine and satisfied a lot of the same yearnings.

Don't think of modifying your dream as giving up or failing. Think of it as redirecting the same creative energies into more promising endeavors. If you've been trying to sell western short stories and tomorrow, most of the markets buying such material went out of business, it would not be an admission of defeat to say, "Hmm…I think I'll focus on detective stories instead."

Or romance. Or adventure. Or non-fiction. Or radio dramas. Or books instead of magazines. Or greeting cards. There are a lot of ways to make a living as a writer and if you're going to have any sort of career, you probably need to be proficient in and very happy doing a wide variety of them. My longevity — I'm sneaking up on 47 years of making a living almost wholly off freelance writing — has been based to a large extent on versatility. When no one is paying me to write one thing, I write something else. Maybe you need to write something else…or do something else. And soon.

Ezra Klein really, really, really, really, really, really doesn't like Donald Trump. And Donald's still better than Ted Cruz.