So a little while ago, I get this real insulting phone call from a human being (I'm being charitable) who works for SBC, which is my phone provider. He says my phone bill is overdue and if I don't make payment in 48 hours, my phones will be shut off and I will have to pay all sorts of deposits and penalty fees along with my bill to get them turned on again. I inform the gent that I signed up for SBC's online bill collection service, whereby the total amount of the bill is deducted directly from my checking account each month. If the bill hasn't been paid, I tell him, it's their fault, not mine. The man is very persistent and he keeps saying, "Well, no matter whose fault it is, the bill must be paid in two days." I get the feeling he is on some sort of quota with his employer. No matter what the circumstances, if he doesn't collect promptly on X% of all the matters assigned to him, he gets demoted or fired or something. At least, that's my impression.

He says that I must either arrange for payment with him right now via credit card or talk to their Business Office. I elect to talk to their Business Office and he gives me its 800 number.

I call the Business Office and follow the voice prompts that are supposed to get me to the person with whom I can discuss this situation. This immediately routes my call to something they call QuickService, which is a computerized payment process that asks me to enter my credit card number so my outstanding balance can be charged to the card. There are no other options, no way by which I can talk to a human being.

I hang up, call back and listen once again to the voice prompts, figuring there must be something I can select that will steer my call to a person. No matter what I push, I am dragged back to QuickService and a cheery voice demanding I enter my credit card number so that my bill can be paid in full immediately.

I again hang up and go to the SBC website. There I find dozens of different places where they inform me how to contact them if I have a question or problem with my bill. Unfortunately, they all give me that same 800 number.

I call the 800 number again and this time, I do not follow the voice prompts. I do not enter the information for which I am asked when it is requested. No matter what I'm asked for, I hit "0" for Operator. Amazingly, this enables me to escape the dead end of QuickService. I am finally steered to a voice that tells me all of their service representatives are busy and if I will stay on the line, my call will be answered in the order received. Oh, yes — and they tell me my call is important to them, which is darned flattering. So I wait on hold for…well, I'm not sure how long it is but the above was written during the period I've been waiting so far.

Hold on. It sounds like a person is coming on line. I'll be back to you in a bit.

According to this, it's just going to be Ted Koppel showing photos of men and women killed in recent combat and giving their names.

Immediately after, Jimmy Kimmel welcomes actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, rap artist/TV host Xzibit "Pimp My Ride" and musical guests Flaming Lips.

Good programming flow.

As readers of this site know, my current favorite "new" standup comedian is Lewis Black. Comedy Central has two old half-hour shows in which he performs monologue material and they're running them this Friday night. If I understand the schedule correctly, they're running one at 8:30 PM. Then they run the other at 10:00, followed by the first one again at 10:30. Subtract three hours from those times for Pacific. Anyway, taping or TiVoing for an hour beginning at 10 PM (7 PM, Pacific) should get both of them. They're not as good as seeing him live but they'll give you an idea of what you'd experience if you did.

Black is currently on tour, as itemized over at his website [WARNING: Overly-fancy graphics that make it difficult to read]. He also has a major HBO Special that debuts May 15 which I expect to like a lot.

The recent continuity in Doonesbury regarding B.D.'s war injury eclipsed a dramatic plot twist in another newspaper strip. Gasoline Alley has been around since 1918 when Frank King created it. King and a couple of assistants did it until 1956 when it was taken over by Dick Moores, who many feel made it into an even better feature. Since 1986, Jim Scancarelli has been the guy in charge of what is still, in some circles, a much-loved strip about a much-loved family.

One of the innovative things about Gasoline Alley was that King allowed his players to age more or less normally and for the focus of the strip to shift as different things happened in their lives. Initially, Walt Wallet was more or less the star of the strip and in 1921, Walt found a baby on his doorstep. That baby, who was named Skeezix, actually grew up in the strip in something close to real time and eventually became the main character. Ol' Walt Wallet aged at roughly the same rate though Dick Moores found it necessary to slow down and even stop the process. Scancarelli has somewhat restarted the clock.

In the current storyline, death has finally come to one (maybe two) of the strip's oldest characters. I am not being evasive. Scancarelli is deliberately writing it so you're not sure who Skeezix and the others are grieving over. It appears to be Uncle Walt Wallet, but the dialogue and art are ambiguous. Some readers think it's his wife Phyllis while others think they've both passed away. This is actually being debated on many message boards at the moment.

I don't have a guess, but it seems like a very intriguing, well-planned storyline. At least, it prompted me to go back and read the last few months of Gasoline Alley, which I enjoyed quite a bit. The current strip can be read at this website and there's an Archive feature there which will enable you to go back a few weeks and then read forward in sequence. If you have a little time, go back to the 2/23/04 strip and read two months of strips that will take you up to today. If you're in a hurry, start with 4/5/04.

According to this article, TiVo is getting crowded out of the marketplace it pioneered. I intend to be loyal to mine no matter how many episodes of The Man Show it insists on recording against my wishes.

Here's a CBS press release that feels like it should be quoted on this site…

Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, Carl Reiner and Rose Marie reunite for The Dick Van Dyke Show Revisited, a new television special to be broadcast Tuesday, May 11 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Other original series cast members Larry Mathews (Richie Petrie), Ann Morgan Guilbert (Millie Helper) and guest stars Jerry Van Dyke (Stacey Petrie) and Bill Idelson (Herman Glimcher) also return for a new episode of the series set in 2004. The special catches up with Rob and Laura Petrie, in the present day, 40 years after the series was originally broadcast. Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) hosts the 159th episode. In the new episode, writers Rob and Sally each receive a phone call from Alan Brady with a strange request: Alan, who admires the eulogies that the pair wrote for Buddy and Millie's late husband's funerals, wants them to write his eulogy before he dies. He rationalizes the request by telling them that he wants to know what they will say about him and he also wants the chance to do a rewrite. To induce them, he offers to pay a very large fee for the dubious job. Rob and Sally are uncertain that they can actually complete the assignment given their real feelings about Alan, but they reluctantly agree to try…for the money! Classic clips from the original series will also be seen.

Hey, here's a coincidence: While I was formatting the above, I was interrupted by an occasional performer on The Dick Van Dyke Show…Lennie Weinrib, who was in three episodes. (He was the accountant friend of Buddy's who made Rob dismantle his phone and "scream like a chicken." He was the comedian who got injured at the lodge so Rob and a pal had to fill in for him by doing their Laurel and Hardy impression. And he was the insult comic who replaced Buddy and hammered Mel Cooley so thoroughly that he agreed to re-hire Buddy.) Lennie's living down in Chile now and seems very happy.

[UPDATE at 6:39 PM: Fixed a great typo that said Lennie was living in Chili. Sounds messy.]

The first DVD release of Little Shop of Horrors (the musical version starring Rick Moranis) contained the alternate ending that was filmed but not used in the movie. Does anyone reading this have a copy they're willing to part with?

The other day here, I wondered about the decree of a top Vatican official that "pro-choice" politicians have disqualified themselves from receiving communion. Obviously, the Catholic church can make whatever rules it wants, and no one is forced to remain in the church. But it struck me as odd that we never hear about someone being denied communion because they support the Death Penalty, which the Vatican also opposes. (For that matter, did the church ever raise the issue regarding "pro-choice" Republicans like Rudy Giuliani or Tom Ridge?) Anyway, this morning in The Washington Post, there's an article that discusses that issue.

There's an e-mail message making the rounds that points out that John Kerry's service record starts with the words, "I request duty in Vietnam," whereas George W. Bush's includes the line, "Do not volunteer for overseas duty."

Now, I happen to think that very little that either man did in the seventies is relevant to what kind of president he'd be in the next four years. In fact, I doubt there's a person in their (or my) age bracket who doesn't have a few 30-year-old deeds or statements that they should be ashamed of, and I'm suspicious of being urged to vote for or against someone because of what they did in 1971.

However, I do think that if those service records were reversed — if Bush had Kerry's and Kerry had Bush's — Bush supporters would be telling us the following: That Bush is a real man, Kerry is a wimp, and they don't need to know anything more about either candidate to know who to vote for.

Here's a short but nice article on Sidney Reznick, one of the best comedy writers of his era. And last time I saw him, he still seemed pretty darned funny.

A week or three ago here, I asked if anyone could recommend an MP3 player with a harddisk that had a good pause/resume feature. (Among other needs, I wanted to be able to listen to recordings of Al Franken's new show, starting and stopping without losing my place.) I instantly received e-mails singing the praises of almost every model by every manufacturer out there, and I'm sure most of them would have been fine. But after studying several messages, especially those from a gent named Phil Merkel, I opted for the Archos 20 GB USB 2.0 MP3 Jukebox Recorder. The Archos is a little heavy, so it isn't ideal for carrying around when you jog or walk but it holds a ton of music and seems otherwise ideal…that is, if you make one little change.

When I first began researching this, I came across some poor reviews for this device, based largely on its internal software. Phil informed me that there's a terrific, free alternative. Some folks wrote an open source program called Rockbox which you can download here and load into your Archos Jukebox. It's simple to install and it corrects all the flaws the Archos people built into their product, making it into a wonderful little machine.

One other selling point for the Archos Jukebox is that it's cheap. If you click on this link, you can buy one from the Amazon folks for $179.88, which is a pretty good price, somewhat below what other online dealers charge. It can be even better because Amazon is currently offering a $50 rebate, bringing the actual price down to $129.88. There are online dealers asking a hundred bucks more than that, which reminds us that it pays to shop around. Anyway, so far, I'm pretty happy with my purchase.

I just got one from Abase J. Ironical and another from Gambled M. Earplugs. My pal Nat Gertler says he just got one from Cretin K. Crossfire.

I'm getting e-mail asking me what's up with the announced (but not too clearly) release of Garfield and Friends on DVD. As you may recall, I recently posted a press release that said the first volume, collecting the first season of 13 episodes, would be out in July from Fox Home Video for $39.98. I also said — and I quote me — "I think the above may have the contents listing wrong." I said this because I'd been informed that they'd be releasing the first 24 half-hours, and it seemed to me that $39.98 was a more appropriate price for that.

Well, this announcement says that it's coming out July 27 for $39.98 and they list episode titles for 24 half-hours. Sharp-eyed folks will notice that the episode titles do not exactly match a list I've circulated of what was in the first 24 half-hours. That's because my list was based on the original CBS runs, and a few things were switched around when the shows were released in syndication. The only special feature on this set is a trailer for the forthcoming Garfield live-action/CGI movie.

I notice that DVD Empire is taking advance orders for it but they think the list price is $29.95 and they've discounted it to $20.07. I have no idea what will happen if you order from them but if someone does, let me know.

Jerry Beck asked me to let him know which episodes have the interesting guest voice actors in them. This first release includes Chuck McCann, Stan Freberg, Pat Buttram, Dick Beals, Lennie Weinrib, Larry Storch, Jeff Altman, and Robin Leach. (The odd story of how Robin Leach wound up on the show is told here.) And of course, we have our regular cast of Thom Huge, Gregg Berger, Julie Payne, Howie Morris, Frank Welker and the late, lovely Lorenzo Music.

I'm also being asked when the next release will be, whether there will be special features on future volumes, and which theme song(s) will be on this one. I have no answers to any of those questions. All I know is that the concept here is that the entire run of 121 half-hours will be collected on five DVD sets, of which this is the first. How soon we'll see the next one may depend on how quickly this one gets snatched up.

Ray Harryhausen is the acknowledged master of stop-motion animation. His work on movies like The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad and Jason and the Argonauts inspired almost everyone else who ever tried to animate three-dimensional figures, whether it was on major 35mm features done in Hollywood or little 8mm attempts done in some teenager's garage. Mr. Harryhausen himself started in his garage in Hollywood, working in 16mm, learning his craft by experimentation, which is really the only way you can learn that kind of thing. Last night at the Motion Picture Academy, a good sampling of the animation business gathered to hear him interviewed by Leonard Maltin, and to see some of that earliest trial-and-error work.

It was amazing how few errors were visible in it, even with the films enlarged to 35mm for the Academy's screen. (Well, visible to us. Ray kept talking about how many flaws he now saw in films he made over a half-century ago.)

Those who associate him only with animating dinosaurs and skeleton creatures would have been fascinated to see what made up the bulk of the program last night. Beginning in the forties, Harryhausen animated — still in his garage — a series of short fairy tales for what was then called the non-theatrical market, meaning schools and rental agencies. The Academy arranged for major restoration work to be done on the films, and the prints were stunning. This material has been available in home video in the past, but a forthcoming DVD of the restored versions will soon be out, perhaps as early as late this year. It is quite fascinating, especially when viewed in chronological order, allowing you to see Harryhausen become more ambitious and more facile in bringing life to the beautiful little figures he designed and built.

The audience was like a Who's Who of the animation field. (I sat next to June Foray, who had just come from recording voice tracks for a new Rocky and Bullwinkle slot machine.) Mr. Harryhausen seemed genuinely humbled by the turnout and passion for his work, and I think a lot of those in attendance sensed a direct correlation between the film and the filmmaker. Stop-motion animation requires an incredible devotion to detail, and nothing occurs by accident. After hearing Ray Harryhausen talk about his craft, I think everyone understood why it all turned out as well as it did, and why he was always striving to outdo himself. A lovely time.

As this news story explains, a number of newspapers had to agonize over whether or not to publish today's installment of Doonesbury.

Some papers (like this one) elected not to print the entire week of strips "because of the graphic, violent battlefield depictions of Iraq." Makes you wonder what they're publishing on their front pages.

Others (like this one) dropped only today's from the print edition but made it available on their website. This sounds to me more craven than not running the week of strips at all. Why is it appropriate for the website but not the newspaper? It's an old trick when you're afraid of outrage over something to make some meaningless gesture just so you can tell the protesters you did something about it.

The Duluth News Tribune took the occasion to move Doonesbury permanently from the comics page to the editorial page. That strikes me as a more intelligent way to deal with things…if you felt you had to do something.

The Green Bay News-Chronicle chose to "bleep" the expletive in today's strip. In the first article I linked to in this item, an editor is quoted as saying, "…we learned that we are contractually bound to print the strip as is, or not publish it at all." I thought that was s.o.p. for Doonesbury contracts. Does the News-Chronicle actually have a different deal? Or did they just violate it?

This article gives a good overview of the situation (and even quotes Mort "Beetle Bailey" Walker). And finally, if you haven't seen it, here's a link to today's Doonesbury…unexpurgated.